The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “June, 2011”

Manosphere Powers… ACTIVATED!

Spread this far and wide because it’s extremely destructive to masculinity and everything important to the Manosphere.

Paul Elam is onboard. Read his entire post. Please.

The original link:

Every Manosphere blogger needs to be aware of this. Remember the worst video ever made by men? Those guys are involved and it’s our chance to shout out the Manosphere voice, loudly and clearly and firmly. As Paul himself says, “with force and vigor.”

While Warren Farrell is involved, so is Michael Kimmel. If you don’t know who these men are, please educate yourselves and quickly.

Register for this event here.

Do it.


Get the details, call in. Use Paul’s advice. Angry, strident, nasty words are to be avoided. Firm, reasoned, logical words are best.

Let’s do this thing.

UPDATE: I received an email confirmation of my registration and all the details of the call-in schedule. Lots of west coast SWPL, politically correct drivel. Here are some of the call-in topics. My comments in bold

Relationship With A Tigress: Strong Women and the Yogic Tradition What’s with all the yoga? OK, so I bend my body into a pretzel to help cope with a bossy and domineering woman. Got it.

“Evolutionize” Your Manhood, Your Life, and Your World Yeah, whatever.

The Dear Woman Controversy (And What it Means for Men’s Awakening) Gay Hendricks and Arjuna Ardagh get to apologize to the guys for creating the worst video ever made? Sweet!

Morning Practice: Invocation and Mantra Meditation for Men Let’s meditate our way to emasculation! Yay!

Shapeshifting: Shamanic Practices to Transform Yourself and Your World No comment

Understanding Women: Unlocking the Great Mystery Um, we know this already, we’re the Manosphere

Sacred Activism: Focusing the Sacred Masculine’s Spiritual Power on Political Action SWPL douchebags pushing for a political agenda

An Ugly Social Expectation And More On Female Projection

This subject has been covered in other blogs but is so important that it needs a constant refrain throughout the Manosphere and hopefully, well beyond.

Badger had an excellent blog post, “It’s OK To Please Your Man” and repeats one of his quotes from a comment he made Athol Kay’s post, “Cooking As Girl Game“. Badger said this:

We live in a very strange world where a wife enjoying taking care of her man is a shameful secret. This “don’t take any shit from a man” philosophy we’ve pumped into women the last 20 years is without a doubt a major factor in ruining countless relationships.

“Don’t take shit from a man” is code for “men are worthless and not worthy of respect”.

This is a horrible, wretched, and culture-destroying social expectation. This is man-hating at its worst. It goes way beyond bigotry and might even be considered a foreshadowing to gender-based genocide. Women who follow this social expectation are dangerous killers of culture and civilization. Any woman who verbalizes this sentiment must be called out with this question: “Why do you want to destroy our society and civilization?”

Pulling back from this dangerous notion is the idea that women project their attraction to a type of man – the strong and independent alpha variety – onto men. Hence, women must be strong and independent. Badger makes another great point:

I would wager that whoever’s been giving this advice has been projecting big-time. Just because women often lose attraction for a guy who admits weakness and bends over backwards to do everything his woman says she wants (regular readers understand this is usually because he replaces his alpha traits with beta ones), it doesn’t mean a man will lose his jones for a woman who is “girly” or “makes it too easy” by giving him good care.

This. 100%

This type projection, bitchiness, entitlement, lack of restraint, and failure to respect men has utterly ruined countless relationships. It’s amazing that relationship advice outside of the Manosphere continues to reinforce horrible attitudes toward men. It’s laughable to see all the hand-wringing by mainstream media pundits when they comment on the terrible state of dating, relationships, and marriage. The answer is in the Manosphere if those pundits we’re so terrified to read and accept it. But is indeed heartening to see how Game as a social meme is spreading nicely.

In one of the many comments to the Badger post, our man detinennui32 came up with a great list of 10 commandments for both men and women.

Commandments for Women:
1. Thou shalt cultivate a feminine demeanor and bearing. Thou shalt not try to be, look like, or act like a man. Thou shalt observe and obey this Commandment above all others.
2. Thou shalt not use profanity or other coarse language in public.
3. Thou shalt let the man decide where you will go and what you will do on the first few dates.
4. Thou shalt not denigrate thy man in public. Ever.
5. Thou shalt not denigrate or otherwise break bad on thy man to his parents, thy parents, thy coworkers or thy BFFs. Ever.
6. Thou shalt do some things your man likes to do, such as make his favorite foods, do your hair the way he likes, or wear some clothes he likes.
7. Thou shalt not let thyself go. Thou shalt give reasonable care and attention to cultivate a pleasing personal appearance.
8. Thou shalt not try to lead or overrule thy man.
9. Thou shalt let thy man reciprocate thy kindness.
10. Thou shalt not act like a princess.

Commandments for Men:
1. Thou shalt devise and implement a life plan, consisting of career path, interests, hobbies and desires; and thou shalt work on and revise said plan as appropriate. Thou shalt observe and obey this Commandment above all others.
2. Thou shalt learn to be observant of the people and situations around thee. Thou shalt cultivate a thorough understanding of thine own nature and that of the female gender. Said understanding shalt be premised upon established concepts of evolutionary biology, evolutionary psychology and game; not upon political correctness, feminism, or artificial social constructs.
3. Thou shalt approach and pursue what thy will, within the bounds of legal, moral, and reasonable social constraints. Thou shalt not apologize for approaching an attractive woman.
4. Thou shalt not be a pussy. Thou shalt walk away and forget it when there is no attraction, she is not interested, or it’s not working. Thou shalt suck it up and move on. Thou shalt not view female rejection as an assessment of thy self-worth.
5. Thou shalt not force intimacy without first establishing attraction.
6. Thou shalt not derive thy self-worth from a woman’s opinion of thee.
7. Thou shalt not place her on a pedestal. Ever.
8. Thou shalt demonstrate leadership and decisiveness in thy plan and relationships. Thou shalt make and keep dates with thy woman, and thou shalt decide where thee will go and what thee will do on said dates.
9. Thou shalt learn to tell thy woman “no” when necessary.
10. Thou shalt not seek, accept, or implement dating or male-female advice from thy female relatives or friends.

These two lists should be copied and pasted as a comment to any of those terrified pundits when a story or article on relationships is published on the web. I can see the dames over at going nicely apeshit.

Good Frame: Statements, Not Questions

As it turns out, my date has done some Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) therapy to help tone down here fierce career drive. Yeah, she’s a “career woman” in the classic Forbes model. [Note: that article and subsequent comments galvanized a lot of MRM and MGTOW types to start the Manosphere… if any one has a link to the library of comments, please post it up here]

As quite a few PUA practitioners know, NLP is an element of Game. It’s interesting that a career woman would pursue NLP. I told her about Game and it turns out that she already knows about it. Her comment was priceless: “Game is also all about sex, too.”

As for the frame element, I was quite candid about it. As she was leaving today and after a fine weekend, I said “I’ll walk you to your car.”

Seven words and so much implied.

A few years ago, I would have asked “Can I walk you to your car?”

The question versus the statement.

During the attraction phase, a question is alpha.

During the comfort phase, a question is beta.

I told her about the shift in my mindset as we we were walking to the car. “I don’t ask questions anymore.”

She presented another priceless response: “I’m glad you made the statement.”

“I’m a man. I take the lead.”

She kissed me passionately.

“I love men.”

A Most Epic Of Essays

It started with my post here. (You need to read this)

Aunt Haley responded here. (And you need to read this, too)

In the comments responding to Aunt Haley’s post, Detinennui32 presented the following extraordinary essay:

Let’s turn Aunt Haley’s essay around and view it through men’s prisms.

“It’s remarkable but I wonder how many men resist or completely reject such female advice [to commit to or marry a woman] because of manosphere grounds (“women are self-absorbed overgrown children who don’t love us and use us anyway”) or their own sense of self-preservation causes them to stick their heads in the sand.”

The answer is: a lot.

The reason that men resist and reject (mostly female and feminist) advice to invest in, commit to and marry woman is basically an issue of self-preservation. You wouldn’t know it from reading sites like DateMeDC or HaleysHalo, but women, especially if young and good looking, get the majority of perks in the sexual marketplace. They get the best, wealthiest, most powerful men. They persuade and manipulate those men into spending obscene amounts of money on them. They sex up those men with full pornstar treatment while carelessly laughing at betas who truly love them. They get perks like trips, meals, gifts, clothes, entertainment, and drinks — all completely free, without spending a dime.

These young, good looking women get to do anything they want, say anything they want, anytime they want, anywhere they want and receive very little judgment for it. The alphas don’t care because if they get tired of her, she’s history. The betas say nothing in the hopes that she’ll give them a dopple of attention someday. These women fully know all of this, of course, and keep the betas stringing along. They have beta orbiters waiting in the wings to step in when they are kicked off the alpha carousel.

Then, when they’ve hit the wall and they can’t pull alphas anymore, they are usually able to reel in a beta provider to support them, father their spoiled brat cuckolded children, and finance their houses, cars and bling. When she’s sick of beta, she tosses him aside while expecting the endless money supply to continue, enforced by the court system.

Meanwhile, men are expected to shut up, get their fat asses back to work, bring home that paycheck, take Entitled Princess out for her weekly dinner and movie date, and never do anything to stand up to her fitness tests for fear that she’ll leave him.

Given these circumstances, it’s pretty easy to see why a modern man balks at investing in, committing to or marrying today’s woman. In his mind, she already has the world’s oyster in her palm (and it was placed there by feminism). Giving her MORE deference, MORE investment, MORE money/gifts/perks and MORE time is only going to inflate her ego (and sense of self-entitlement and wildly inflated view of her own SMV) even more than it already is and make her feel even more entitled to the things society has already given her. And what, exactly, has this woman done to earn any of these things other than be born with a vagina? Furthermore, if a man invests in, commits to or marries today’s woman, she will just take him for granted and feel she has the ability to make unqualified demands as well as the right not to be of any help to the man. Men can’t see how treating a woman well (i.e., like a cherished part of his life or even as a wife) for no reason other than that she is a woman can result in anything good for themselves.

Additionally, every man either has a friend or knows somebody who got an entitled princess girlfriend and then turned into an average frustrated chump who does everything she asks him to do and she still treats him like dirt, spends all his money, makes unreasonable demands on his time, and when it isn’t enough she gives him no physical attention whatsoever. And the friend will insist that he has to stay with her because he has no other options. No sane man wants this to happen to him or be seen as weak and controllable, so that’s another reason that men tend to be resistant to giving women what they say they want (because what women say they want, and what they actually want, are very often two quite different and mutually exclusive things).

Some of this attitude stems from male polyamory. Men want sex all the time from most women. But men know that most women find only a few men even remotely attractive. Men also know that the “alpha male” who most women want comprises a small percentage of the male population. So most men are considered beta and totally invisible to most women. Men know that all of this severely limits their options. Add to this their 5-10% approach success rate (i.e. 90 to 95% of approaches result in flat out rejection) and their options constrict even more.

A man knows his woman is hypergamous and in many cases she will have no compunction about straying if she perceives her man as lower value than another interested prospect. A man could treat such a woman as a queen/princess, and he still runs the risk of her cheating/cuckolding. So in a defensive measure, the man will do what he thinks will shore up his power (refuse to invest, date casually, neg, be aloof) and thus deny her what she wants or what she thinks she is entitled to (undivided attention, being lavished with gifts and perks all while doling out sex when she feels like it). Then the woman won’t feel quite so secure about walking all over him because she knows if she does, he’ll walk and find another more agreeable woman. And if this happens enough times to her, it’s off the carousel and to Feline City.

Another reason is the American culture of trash celebrity worship, where we take pride in learning about do-nothing celebutards who could not think their way out of wet paper sacks and much American lore is centered around women who Can’t Do Anything For Themselves, as opposed to getting something because of your female body parts. This attitude extends to mating, as well. It’s hard for men to realize that everything their ignorant, feminist parents and others taught them about how the world works apparently doesn’t work at all in romantic male/female relationships, and it’s not like any major media is out there promoting the red pill truth, anyway.

(It IS kind of ironic, though, that women who will complain incessantly that “I Just want a Nice Guy who will Treat Me Right” will never actually be happy when several such men in perfect succession fall into their laps. And they’re not happy because they are beta providers, not alpha males.)

I can hear the cries rising up from the “I am woman, hear me roar” contingent already, so let me be clear that YES, a lot of this modern male attitude is a response to feminism and hypergamy and WAH WAH WAH I JUST WANT A NICE GUY WHO WILL TREAT ME RIGHT ALL YOU MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS CARE ABOUT IS SEX THEY DISRESPECT AND USE US COMMITMENTPHOBIA WAHHHHH YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR MINDS CAREERS JOBS WANTS NEEDS DESIRES ORGASM PUMP & DUMP INSENSITIVE UNCARING EMOTIONAL RETARDS WAHHHHHHH. But at the same time, men instinctively don’t want to dish out investment, money, time, commitment and marriage to women who act like sluts, behave like entitled princesses, spend them into bankruptcy, and who will simply leave them when they think something better has come along or because “I’m bored” — all while expecting us to wait for the sloppy seconds until after they’ve had their fun on the carousel. Sorry, Princess Paula. And sorry, Slutty Samantha. And sorry, Career Girl Carrie. And sorry, Blingy Brenda. A lot of times men see women as overgrown children who seem barely able to take care of themselves. They live in fantasy worlds created by themselves and their BFFs. They think getting married is equivalent to being married all while treating their men like dirt and always on the lookout to trade him in. They would rather spend $1000 on a Louis Vuitton handbag than give their man an encouraging word or a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a long day at work. And men think to themselves, “I’m working a full-time job and still living respectably, but I’m supposed to tell this girl how wonderful she is and drop $200 on her at Chez Paul?!?

So what is the solution? It’s not castigating men and screeching that everything is their fault. (See: Dr. Helen, Badgerhut, and until June 2, HaleysHalo.) Explanations of the differences between what motivates men and what motivates women are all fine and good, but you can’t undo a couple of generations of feminist dogma raised to a level of canonical faith to go bye-bye with a few sarcastic zingers and female complaining. Demonstrating attractive female characteristics like chastity, femininity, pleasantness, pleasing physical appearance and cheerfulness is the best way to go, especially if done with confidence and good humor. Femininity is irresistible, so show some femininity and men will gladly open their hearts, homes and checkbooks. (If they don’t, you might have wildly unrealistic expectations. Best to get a reality check in that case.)

Detinennui32 is an astoundingly good essayist and his keen cultural observations are worthy of his own blog. Of course, I would he rather be a contributor to my blog. That’s a hint, Detinennui32

50,000 Blog Views – Congratulate Me, Dammit

I started this blog back in mid-February of this year so it’s been on the Manosphere for over three months now.

As of today, I have had 50,000 views. I suspect that this amount of traffic is exceedingly modest in the general scheme of the blogging portion of the ‘Net. Yet this is a milestone for me and more readership than I had thought possible for a single author blog. I am sure the multi-author blogs like The Spearhead and In Mala Fide get far more monthly views.

This blog is also more personal than the Manosphere writers who cover bigger social issues. I have resisted delving into such socio-political subjects because I would much rather help men with dating and relationships than railing against [insert your most hated socio-political issue here]. There are some superb blogs that cover such things with amazingly thoughtful writing and nicely distilled bile and vitriol.

To stick with my goal of helping guys with dating and relationships, I am going to try something interesting – online dating profile help for guys over 35 years old. I simply don’t relate well enough to the younger generation to be of any use in that area. Sorry, whiteboykrispy.

I’m going to be sticking a PayPal button in the right-hand column. If you want help with your online profile, throw me a few bucks and send me a follow-up email (emailtheprivateman at gmail) with your original profile. We’ll do a some back and forth via email and then you’ll get a profile makeover for you to copy and paste.

Of course, if you’d like to throw me a few bucks because you find my blog entertaining, I won’t throw the money back. The Private Man needs beer money so he can swill suds while writing pithy and entertaining prose.

Of course, I must heap great praise on the commenters who have added wisdom and keen observations with their comments on my posts. Frankly, I see the comments as the real hallmark of blog success. Most every comment has been thoughtful and intelligent. I am flattered indeed.

Lastly, I am proud to be part of the general Manosphere where some outstanding blogs reside. My blogroll has many of these and each time one of my posts is cross-referenced in a quality blog (Dalrock, for example), I’m quite thrilled. It’s like being published in print. Print, remember that?

In looking at the daily response rates and the referring websites, it’s clear that I get most referrals from the big Manosphere socio-political blogs such as Hawiian Libertarian and In Mala Fide. This is likely because those readers are also interested in elements of Game and how men deal with women, dating, and relationships within the broader context of Manosphere socio-political ideas.

I also get some referrals from more relationship (or Game) oriented blogs such as Dalrock, Athol Kay, and most recently, Haley’s Halo. This is also good stuff and encourages general discourse on subjects that are important to me.

The vast majority of my blog’s views are unattributed to inbound links. This tells me that readers are actively looking for new posts. Once again, flattering. One reader in particular raised my eyebrows quite a lot. Extraordinarily perceptive and intelligent she is… resourceful, too.

It’s difficult to post every day yet it’s rewarding to have high volume traffic days when I do post. As I can muster maybe four posts a week (on average), I am reasonably content to receive about 3000 views weekly.

Blogging on!

One Online Dating Profile – Two Cities

A new colleague at work has provided a rare opportunity to look at the differences between two cities in regards to online dating profile response rates.

Justin has recently relocated from Tampa, Florida to Miami, Florida. Along with his possessions, he also brought his Plenty of Fish online dating profile. Justin is 29, average height and weight, and works a decent white collar job.

He used Plenty of Fish back in Tampa and is using the same online dating profile in Miami. Here is the text portion of the profile:

centerbound – The Bottom Dweller: I am the most humble person I know.


Guitar    Percussion
Reading    Quantum Mechanics
Song Writing
Sexually harassing chicks at work
flogging the dolphin on ChatRoulette

About Me

I’m Justin. I do what I want, when I want to. I can only describe myself as the manna from heaven itself. As looks go, I am so aesthetically pleasing even hardcore lesbians wink at me occasionally. I only put “average” for body type on my profile because the selection for “Greek god chiseled out of f***ing bronze” seems to be missing from the drop-down. If I had to write a newspaper personal, it would read something like this…”Young talented stud looking for a married woman who wants to make her husband jealous in order to procure expensive gifts from him.” It’s probably a very good thing I am not a fish. I read recently on the LiveScience website that fish with large sexual organs can’t swim as fast, so they’re more likely to get eaten by predators. I’m really just on this site because all the attractive women I meet bore me. I like to tickle girls until they cry just so I can hold and comfort them while they sob in my arms. So anyway, basically I am looking for a shy, insecure, socially anxious chick who will defer to me on just about everything.
I am quite new to Miami, and though I am adjusting well, I find the culture of flagrant materialism here quite disgusting, and frankly jaw-dropingly disturbing.

He has seven very decent photos that mostly highlight his face. While he’s no George Clooney, he’s also not  repulsive. I would say that he is above average in his overall appearance. After talking to him, I found him to be pleasant and friendly with a good sense of humor. As a bonus, he also knows Game.

His profile text is quite clever and comes across as cocky and funny, a challenging prospect indeed. Of course, why he included the bit about flogging the dolphin and sexually harassing chicks is beyond me. Maybe it’s an age thing. I’ll ask him about that. I can certainly understand why he put in the update about the incredible materialism here in South Florida.

While living in Tampa, Justin claimed an amazing 40% favorable response rate to his outgoing Plenty of Fish messages. I have no reason not to believe him. His response rate here in South Florida is less than 10%, a rate that mostly matches my response rate to outgoing messages. There can be any number of reasons for this huge response rate difference. There are fewer young people (under 34) in Tampa. It is a more polite city (mid-western ethos) and it’s certainly less materialistic.

A further analysis would be an interesting exercise and I’ll leave that to the commenters who know more about such things. The point is that geographical/cultural differences lead to differences in the approach to online dating. I have always recommended that a man do his research before posting a profile on a particular online dating website. Going beyond that, I also recommended that a man edit is profile regularly to find what works best in his particular locale.

Please note that a man should never look at female profiles to see what women say they want. Women never tell the real truth when stating in words what they are looking for in a man.

“Looking for a nice guy”… snort, chuckle, guffaw.

The Power Of Female Projection Addressed By Dating Coaches

I have signed up for several free email newsletters written by dating coaches. These are mostly real dating coaches and not just Game advisors. I’ve signed up both as a man and as a woman. I have seen that dating coaches for men tend to be more Game-like and dating coaches for women are more relationship oriented.

Most of the dating coaches seem to have a female clientele. This is because women need the most de-programming from the constant message of “you go grrl!” and the accompanying lies and mistruths that go along with such propaganda. Men have Game and the Manosphere but as we are the far more rational and logical gender of the species, we don’t need as much hand-holding that the dating coaches offer.

It’s actually rather encouraging to see that underneath all the pretty words that these dating coaches deliver to women there is a strong element of cold, red pill truth. Here’s an example:

It’s often shocking to learn that men aren’t looking for the same qualities in a woman that you look for in a man. Ambitious, successful, strong – the traits in which you may take the most pride – are not your most important assets to most men.

It’s not that they don’t matter at all. But don’t lose sight of the fact that a quality man wants what he can’t get from his guy friends:

Someone who makes him feel good.
Someone who makes him feel secure.
Someone who makes him feel loved.
Someone who makes him feel sexy.
Someone who makes him feel trusted.

It’s great that you’re awesome to your friends, generous to your family, loyal to your employer, and on the board of three different charities.

But if you’re not consistently making your man feel good when he’s around you, he’s going to disappear and find a woman who does.

This is direct quote from Evan Marc Katz.

Remember, this is advice given to women. It’s remarkable but I wonder how many women resist or completely reject such advice because of feminist, ideological grounds (“it’s wrong to make a man feel good”)  or their own sense of fabulousness causes them to stick their heads in the sand.

Regardless, this is definately red pill stuff that anyone in the Manosphere would recognize. I give Evan Marc Katz a lot of credit for his courage to give such advice. He’s squarely addressing the whole projection thing. “If I’m attracted to strong and independent men, they must be attracted to a strong and independent woman like me.”

I covered that whole strong and independent thing already. It’s important to address the projection element that women continue to delude themselves into thinking that a man’s desires in a relationship are the same as hers. It’s part of the masculinization of women and it’s turned dating into a full-contact, blood sport. Game addresses quite a lot of this trend with effective techniques and strategy for a man to present himself in a more attractive light to women.

It looks like that some dating coaches are teaching women a form of “Girl Game” and that “Game” is about being more feminine and more accepting of men in general. If this is indeed the case, I think it’s important to support these kinds of businesses with referrals.

Another dating coach for women over a certain age is Bobbi Palmer. Her language has a lot more of the “you go grrl” attitude but she does give some good, realistic advice for single women. For example:

•  What beliefs or feelings do I have that may be making it harder for me to accept men with kindness?

•  Where did these beliefs originate?

•  Do I have a “type” that I find myself attracted to yet they never seem to work out?

•  Are the men I’m choosing turning out to be losers or disappointments?

•  Do I rely on chemistry and make judgments about a man’s viability soon after meeting him?

•  Am I giving the nice guys a chance?

•    Is my vision of my ideal man a true and realistic representation of who and what I need in my life today?

Bobbi is much more diplomatic, of course, and I don’t think she’s quite taken the red pill. Hell, she quotes that infamous Manosphere nemesis, Oprah Winfrey. I strongly suspect that Bobbi is a lot more direct with her clients in person than her rather politically correct blog postings would indicate.

Us Manosphere guys tend to be ruthless with our words should we be put in the position of giving advice. Imagine being a dating coach and attempting to address two generations of girl power while trying to get new clients. Not an easy prospect, I would imagine. I also wonder if too many dating coaches simply don’t understand the power of biology and resort to the same old advice based on current (failed) social expectations.

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