The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

A Most Epic Of Essays

It started with my post here. (You need to read this)

Aunt Haley responded here. (And you need to read this, too)

In the comments responding to Aunt Haley’s post, Detinennui32 presented the following extraordinary essay:

Let’s turn Aunt Haley’s essay around and view it through men’s prisms.

“It’s remarkable but I wonder how many men resist or completely reject such female advice [to commit to or marry a woman] because of manosphere grounds (“women are self-absorbed overgrown children who don’t love us and use us anyway”) or their own sense of self-preservation causes them to stick their heads in the sand.”

The answer is: a lot.

The reason that men resist and reject (mostly female and feminist) advice to invest in, commit to and marry woman is basically an issue of self-preservation. You wouldn’t know it from reading sites like DateMeDC or HaleysHalo, but women, especially if young and good looking, get the majority of perks in the sexual marketplace. They get the best, wealthiest, most powerful men. They persuade and manipulate those men into spending obscene amounts of money on them. They sex up those men with full pornstar treatment while carelessly laughing at betas who truly love them. They get perks like trips, meals, gifts, clothes, entertainment, and drinks — all completely free, without spending a dime.

These young, good looking women get to do anything they want, say anything they want, anytime they want, anywhere they want and receive very little judgment for it. The alphas don’t care because if they get tired of her, she’s history. The betas say nothing in the hopes that she’ll give them a dopple of attention someday. These women fully know all of this, of course, and keep the betas stringing along. They have beta orbiters waiting in the wings to step in when they are kicked off the alpha carousel.

Then, when they’ve hit the wall and they can’t pull alphas anymore, they are usually able to reel in a beta provider to support them, father their spoiled brat cuckolded children, and finance their houses, cars and bling. When she’s sick of beta, she tosses him aside while expecting the endless money supply to continue, enforced by the court system.

Meanwhile, men are expected to shut up, get their fat asses back to work, bring home that paycheck, take Entitled Princess out for her weekly dinner and movie date, and never do anything to stand up to her fitness tests for fear that she’ll leave him.

Given these circumstances, it’s pretty easy to see why a modern man balks at investing in, committing to or marrying today’s woman. In his mind, she already has the world’s oyster in her palm (and it was placed there by feminism). Giving her MORE deference, MORE investment, MORE money/gifts/perks and MORE time is only going to inflate her ego (and sense of self-entitlement and wildly inflated view of her own SMV) even more than it already is and make her feel even more entitled to the things society has already given her. And what, exactly, has this woman done to earn any of these things other than be born with a vagina? Furthermore, if a man invests in, commits to or marries today’s woman, she will just take him for granted and feel she has the ability to make unqualified demands as well as the right not to be of any help to the man. Men can’t see how treating a woman well (i.e., like a cherished part of his life or even as a wife) for no reason other than that she is a woman can result in anything good for themselves.

Additionally, every man either has a friend or knows somebody who got an entitled princess girlfriend and then turned into an average frustrated chump who does everything she asks him to do and she still treats him like dirt, spends all his money, makes unreasonable demands on his time, and when it isn’t enough she gives him no physical attention whatsoever. And the friend will insist that he has to stay with her because he has no other options. No sane man wants this to happen to him or be seen as weak and controllable, so that’s another reason that men tend to be resistant to giving women what they say they want (because what women say they want, and what they actually want, are very often two quite different and mutually exclusive things).

Some of this attitude stems from male polyamory. Men want sex all the time from most women. But men know that most women find only a few men even remotely attractive. Men also know that the “alpha male” who most women want comprises a small percentage of the male population. So most men are considered beta and totally invisible to most women. Men know that all of this severely limits their options. Add to this their 5-10% approach success rate (i.e. 90 to 95% of approaches result in flat out rejection) and their options constrict even more.

A man knows his woman is hypergamous and in many cases she will have no compunction about straying if she perceives her man as lower value than another interested prospect. A man could treat such a woman as a queen/princess, and he still runs the risk of her cheating/cuckolding. So in a defensive measure, the man will do what he thinks will shore up his power (refuse to invest, date casually, neg, be aloof) and thus deny her what she wants or what she thinks she is entitled to (undivided attention, being lavished with gifts and perks all while doling out sex when she feels like it). Then the woman won’t feel quite so secure about walking all over him because she knows if she does, he’ll walk and find another more agreeable woman. And if this happens enough times to her, it’s off the carousel and to Feline City.

Another reason is the American culture of trash celebrity worship, where we take pride in learning about do-nothing celebutards who could not think their way out of wet paper sacks and much American lore is centered around women who Can’t Do Anything For Themselves, as opposed to getting something because of your female body parts. This attitude extends to mating, as well. It’s hard for men to realize that everything their ignorant, feminist parents and others taught them about how the world works apparently doesn’t work at all in romantic male/female relationships, and it’s not like any major media is out there promoting the red pill truth, anyway.

(It IS kind of ironic, though, that women who will complain incessantly that “I Just want a Nice Guy who will Treat Me Right” will never actually be happy when several such men in perfect succession fall into their laps. And they’re not happy because they are beta providers, not alpha males.)

I can hear the cries rising up from the “I am woman, hear me roar” contingent already, so let me be clear that YES, a lot of this modern male attitude is a response to feminism and hypergamy and WAH WAH WAH I JUST WANT A NICE GUY WHO WILL TREAT ME RIGHT ALL YOU MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS CARE ABOUT IS SEX THEY DISRESPECT AND USE US COMMITMENTPHOBIA WAHHHHH YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR MINDS CAREERS JOBS WANTS NEEDS DESIRES ORGASM PUMP & DUMP INSENSITIVE UNCARING EMOTIONAL RETARDS WAHHHHHHH. But at the same time, men instinctively don’t want to dish out investment, money, time, commitment and marriage to women who act like sluts, behave like entitled princesses, spend them into bankruptcy, and who will simply leave them when they think something better has come along or because “I’m bored” — all while expecting us to wait for the sloppy seconds until after they’ve had their fun on the carousel. Sorry, Princess Paula. And sorry, Slutty Samantha. And sorry, Career Girl Carrie. And sorry, Blingy Brenda. A lot of times men see women as overgrown children who seem barely able to take care of themselves. They live in fantasy worlds created by themselves and their BFFs. They think getting married is equivalent to being married all while treating their men like dirt and always on the lookout to trade him in. They would rather spend $1000 on a Louis Vuitton handbag than give their man an encouraging word or a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a long day at work. And men think to themselves, “I’m working a full-time job and still living respectably, but I’m supposed to tell this girl how wonderful she is and drop $200 on her at Chez Paul?!?

So what is the solution? It’s not castigating men and screeching that everything is their fault. (See: Dr. Helen, Badgerhut, and until June 2, HaleysHalo.) Explanations of the differences between what motivates men and what motivates women are all fine and good, but you can’t undo a couple of generations of feminist dogma raised to a level of canonical faith to go bye-bye with a few sarcastic zingers and female complaining. Demonstrating attractive female characteristics like chastity, femininity, pleasantness, pleasing physical appearance and cheerfulness is the best way to go, especially if done with confidence and good humor. Femininity is irresistible, so show some femininity and men will gladly open their hearts, homes and checkbooks. (If they don’t, you might have wildly unrealistic expectations. Best to get a reality check in that case.)

Detinennui32 is an astoundingly good essayist and his keen cultural observations are worthy of his own blog. Of course, I would he rather be a contributor to my blog. That’s a hint, Detinennui32

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

20 thoughts on “A Most Epic Of Essays

  1. Gorilla on said:

    I realized now the key issue is that feminism decries rich alpha-male privilege as white male privilege, and brings in dozens of grievance movements who each demand compensation for their victimhood. All paid for on the back of the beta male (mostly the white beta male).

    But does the average hard-working, boring, monogramous beta male recognize himself at all in Haley’s essay? No. Why should he demand his job be taken away, his govermental and legal oppression increased, his money be taxed away to be spent on women’s empowerment? He’s not having any of the fun. The 2% or 20% of privileged alpha males are. So why should he beg to punished for that?

  2. Good post man;I dont know where to begin.This addresses the gold-digger issue,orbiters,betas…Solid post.

  3. 1lettuce on said:

    Great stuff, Detinennui32.

    As usual, my friendo.

  4. detinennui32 on said:

    PM, I’m humbled you thought enough about this rant/comment to put it up here.

    I found Haley’s post surprising in its strident, angry tone. When I wrote this comment this morning, I was just:
    1. fed up with feminism’s lies,
    2. angry about being taught nothing of value about male-female relationships as a younger man, and
    3. angry about being deprived of decent female companionship because they never got any decent Game.

    Thanks to sites like yours, I now know I’m not the only one who feels this way, or felt this way. I’m posting here and other sites because I’m washing the blue pill out of my system.

    The answer? Game. And having the courage, foresight and self respect to kick them to the curb and be content in solitude until a better woman comes along.

    Men, take the red pill. You’ll feel better and have a more fulfilling, satisfying life.

    Thanks again. PM.

  5. detinennui32 on said:

    “.And the friend will insist that he has to stay with her because he has no other options. *** So that’s another reason that men tend to be resistant to giving women what they say they want (because what women say they want, and what they actually want, are very often two quite different and mutually exclusive things).

    Some of this attitude stems from male polyamory. Men want sex all the time from most women. But men know that most women find only a few men even remotely attractive. Men also know that the “alpha male” who most women want comprises a small percentage of the male population. So most men are considered beta and totally invisible to most women. Men know that all of this severely limits their options. Add to this their 5-10% approach success rate (i.e. 90 to 95% of approaches result in flat out rejection) and their options constrict even more.”:

    –The valuable service of the manosphere is telling men about the nature of men and what really works to attract women. Most men (myself included) only figure these things out on their own, through trial and error, finding out that “nice guy” and “be yourself” is epic fail, and watching their arrogant dickhead friends (the top 10% sharing all the hot chicks. It also became painfully apparent to me that 80% of the women would rather be alone and single than settle for my beta ass.

    “A man knows his woman is hypergamous and in many cases she will have no compunction about straying if she perceives her man as lower value than another interested prospect. A man could treat such a woman as a queen/princess, and he still runs the risk of her cheating/cuckolding. So in a defensive measure, the man will do what he thinks will shore up his power (refuse to invest, date casually, neg, be aloof) and thus deny her what she wants or what she thinks she is entitled to (undivided attention, being lavished with gifts and perks all while doling out sex when she feels like it).”

    === Again, I found this out the hard way and didn’t learn it until stumbling on these sites.

    My viewpoints are from experience, reading Badger, Dalrock, Athol Kay, and here, leavened with a little Roissy and In Mala Fide. That’s all. I don’t think I presented any original thoughts.

    Thanks again, PM.

  6. She might be young and enticing now, but she has a one way ticket to old age.

    You, might be young and stupid, but you can fight, compete, win, and all of the sudden, she is old, and you are rich, famous, powerful, and can take your pick (a la Silvio Berlusconi). That’s our God-given trade off.

    Girls = Young and sexy = all the male attention, strings attached (you gonna be an old hag)
    Guys = Old and powerful = all the female attention, strings attached (you gotta prove it)

    I guess it could seem unfair that she gets everything for having a vag. But look at the bright side. You have control: you can determine where your sex rank falls. Whenever you want, you can make yourself king, or dictator for life, and you will have girls begging for you.

    PS You just have to back it up when the lynch mob comes around.

  7. Gorilla on said:

    I think more men are starting to wake up. I certainly had views on feminism in college I’d be embarassed of today in light of what I’ve learned. It seemed like an equality movement at the time until I realized it was all lies much later. Given how little tolerance any dissenting views are afforded on college campuses, what other views could I have heard at the time? The red pill can only be bought with years of pain and rejection.

    But it’s going to get more confusing for men as feminists like Haley pick up on the alpha-beta-SMV language. Right now it’s an easy way to communicate ideas free of interference. But when the feminists come along, suddenly Alpha will mean the “nice guy” who takes care of women that they want to pretend they have attraction to. And Beta will be shamed and demonized, the over-grown under-employed baby who needs to “Man Up” and propose to Fat Fannie over there.

  8. @privateman,

    Man am I glad to see you. I’m 41, and only received a prescription for red pills two years ago. Nice to see a guy around my age in these parts. I was a merchant seaman for 12 years, and came ashore three years ago. We find ourselves in a bizarre socio-sexual environment; the number of people who are single or cohabiting has eclipsed those who are married for the first time in American history. It’s hard to fathom how society will be structured in the future. I have my own Plenty of Fish horror stories, I’ll share those with you one day…I like the disparate crowd here: men of varying ages and geographical location. I live in Vancouver, Canada. Let me tell you the women up here ain’t that much different. Vain, narcissistic drama queens, that can also kick ass! Some are ok, however. But all in all, dating the modern woman has all the romance of a collective bargaining agreement. You might as well be banging a man with a vagina. Not a shred of femininity on these yentas. Ah well, much more later. To the younger guys out there: know that we’re out here in the trenches with you! Will be sharing field reports as time progresses.

    • Michel on said:

      Are you the same one from daedalus a while ago? I remember reading you. I agreed with your point of view. The only one that made sense.

      • Hello Michel,

        Yes, that was me, but that was a rather dark part of my life. I’m somewhat surprised and also grateful that you agreed with me. I was hostile with her, and I regret that. I don’t think these blogs are meant to raise our blood level, and I’m trying to be more thoughtful and reflective. She didn’t deserve the verbal assault I gave her. Plus she is an Irish girl, and I was talking with her as though she were an American, completely forgetting we are not the same culture. Daedalus is intelligent and driven, and reminds me of my sister. But like my sister, has failed in creating a stable relationship, in getting married and having children. She’s a lawyer, and so has probably *greyed out* about 90% of the Irish male population. Like Oscar Wilde, she is “only satisfied with the best.” She is not to be blamed though. We have been pumping up women’s egos for 50 years. They have been telling us for fifty years that they are against gender essentialism, but what do they do? They get rid of modesty and institutionalize the acceptance of female vanity. Nature abhors a vacuum, indeed.

      • Michel on said:

        Some bloggers carry a victim mentality, and they don’t move on because they find solace in support from online figures they will never meet. A lot of men that have been burned in the past start a blog as a progress chart in their new life. A few men bitch and whine. A lot of women who blog do so as well.

        I hated that your view was perceived as hostile. Take away the hostility, and what remains is a genuine piece of advice. To not take it raised my blood level, as you put it. That is all.

    • DC Phil on said:

      I, too, started receiving the prescriptions for the Red Pill about a year ago, and I turned 40 late last year. A good thing, though, that I was able to get some tail (in Korea, from Korean girls) when I was in my 20s. Then, I focused more on building my career and met with a whole host of trials and tribulations in that realm because of three economic crises since 1997. So, partially by choice and partially by circumstance, I turned into MGTOW. Not all bad because I got to do things that I enjoy, but then I realized after moving here to DC that I wanted pussy again and then did the dating thing in earnest. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I feel that I have pussy of high quality. Oh, well . . . all in good time.

      I wanted to know, though, how you feel about being 41 and learning about this relatively late. Also, do you believe that it gets better for men as they age, if they keep themselves ft and interesting?

  9. ennui,

    “The answer? Game. And having the courage, foresight and self respect to kick them to the curb and be content in solitude until a better woman comes along. ”

    Specifically, inner game – guys need to grok that they don’t need to twist themselves around in a quest to supplicate for sex, and that men control the supply of “commitment” that women desire.

    Gorilla,

    “But it’s going to get more confusing for men as feminists like Haley pick up on the alpha-beta-SMV language. Right now it’s an easy way to communicate ideas free of interference. But when the feminists come along, suddenly Alpha will mean the “nice guy” who takes care of women that they want to pretend they have attraction to. And Beta will be shamed and demonized, the over-grown under-employed baby who needs to “Man Up” and propose to Fat Fannie over there.”

    It’s already happening – witness the Men’s Health article written by a woman entitled “10 signs of an alpha male” or somesuch. It’s all the same fantasy woman wishlist – pay for her dinner, defend your woman, don’t gossip – with the unspoken subtext that she must already be attracted to you for any of that to be attractive.

    • Retrenched on said:

      “It’s all the same fantasy woman wishlist – pay for her dinner, defend your woman, don’t gossip – with the unspoken subtext that she must already be attracted to you for any of that to be attractive.”

      And if she thinks the guy is hot, she’ll probably put out for him anyway without him having to do any of those things. (Which tends to dissuade other men, even betas, from seriously investing in women.)

  10. detinennui32 on said:

    “A lot of times men see women as overgrown children who seem barely able to take care of themselves.”

    Add to this: Some women make monumentally stupid decisions in every arena of their lives — education, jobs, relationships, major purchases. Then when the consequences of their stupidity and shortsightedness manifest, they play damsel in distress, bat their eyelashes and shriek, “Won’t some big stwong man come in and SAVE ME!!” And on cue, with alpha stud long gone, they expect the beta white knight to ride in on the trusty steed to save the day.

  11. Far too many words on an unworthy subject.

    • Yours is quite the blog. I have added it to my blog roll. Given that you have been in “business” since 2006, you are an emeritus in the Manosphere.

      As well, you’re appreciation for Telemann is admirable.

  12. OffTheCuff on said:

    I think it was “Ask Men” not Men’s Health. The idea of a woman writing for a site called “Ask Men” seems rather pointless, doesn’t it?

    As for Men’s Health, I highly recommend it for everything but the dating advice. The “Girl Next Door” column is replete in “how I want attractive men to behave” fallacies, cutting her useful advice to about the 10% mark. (Remind me again, me why should I take advice from a perpetually single women?) Imagine if they booted her and hired Athol Kay instead?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: