The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “March, 2011”

Online Profile Codewords Used By Bossy and Domineering Women

I’ve already covered the concept of the strong and independent woman, here.

In an effort to avoid bossy and domineering women for a long term relationship, men should be on the lookout for the codewords of the women with those unpleasant traits. If any of the codewords are used when a woman describes herself in her online dating profile, be extremely careful.

There is a bonus in that the codewords can often be used to spot an entitlement princess.

Here is the list:

  • Strong and Independent
  • Sassy
  • Headstrong
  • Opinionated
  • Feisty
  • Willful
  • Bold
  • Demanding
  • Ambitious
  • Hard charging
  • Sarcastic
  • Assertive
  • Aggressive
  • A handful
  • Difficult
  • Challenging
  • Tough
  • Smart-aleck
  • Uncompromising
  • Won’t “settle”
  • Usually gets what she wants
  • Competitive
  • Outspoken

It is important to note that many of these words and phrases are applied to men in a far more positive light. Most of these words and phrases describe successful alpha men. If a woman is applying these words to herself, she perceives herself herself as having masculine characteristics. It’s like saying “I have a penis” in an online dating profile.

While a bossy and domineering woman might be fun for something short term or for an alpha man’s harem, these women are extremely bad for a long term relationship because frankly, they’re too damned difficult to put up with for any length of time. After 40 years old, such characteristics become very difficult to de-program, regardless of Game applied.

I do realize that some guys are looking to be let the woman take the lead in a relationship and so they actively seek out bossy and domineering women. I can only take pity on those guys.

There is a vicious social expectation feedback loop that too many men fall into. Bossy and domineering women have become the expected characteristics for women (thanks feminism!). So, men feel (unnecessarily) that they somehow must be attracted to such women. Then, in an effort to attract men, feminine women feel they must become bossy and domineering.

For the rest of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, we seek the feminine. Bossy and domineering is simply not feminine. It’s repellent and ugly. Reject those type of women for long term relationships. They are only good for the short term or for the harem.

Embrace Constant Rejection

I’ve been seriously online dating for just over a year. I’ve become the lord and master of the first date and “dated briefly”. I am assigning no blame to the women who I have dated. I am simply acknowledging the state of things in my life. I am quite aware of who I am and confidently know what I offer in the context of a serious relationship.

In the past three weeks, despite being effectively unemployed, I have had several first dates. Each one has resulted in the follow up message of “you’re not the one”. To that, I hoisted a fine gin and tonic and said out loud and confidently, “Next!” My neighbors might think me a bit loopy, but I simply don’t care.

Working up the emotional energy to plow ahead has been a challenge. Thankfully, I am a rather optimistic fellow and that gives me enough strength to continue. Regardless of my job situation (I have some good freelance gigs) and being in almost dire financial circumstances, I know that I simply must move forward toward my ultimate goal – a solid, healthy, and wonderful long term relationship. I simply refuse to let my own rationalization hamster convince me that being single is the best situation for me.

It’s not easy. Each rejection – and yea, I am legion in that regard – is a wee cut to my confidence. But there is a positive impact as the result of that wee cut. To heal, I turn to my passions. I write. I read (history is my favorite). I ride my motorcycle. I seek the company of friends and connect with family. I correspond with several bloggers and offer advice and solace to them. Hell, I’m trying to arrange a set-up with a female blogger and an old friend.

I truly empathize with guys who also face constant rejection. To them, I say keep moving forward. Maintain your passions, connect socially, be strong. I know it’s incredibly difficult,  impossibly difficult. Also, consider your own characters flaws and work on them. Don’t just improve yourself for that potential love of your live. Improve yourself for you, for your confidence, for your self respect. The women around you will sense it and you will become more attractive to them.

Read, observe, be aware and learn about social interactions. Don’t allow negativity to cast a shadow over the positive elements of your masculinity. Oh, and call your father or another, older male relative. Talk with them about the nature of being a man. Those men won’t live forever and it’s your moral duty to absorb their wisdom.

If you truly want some wisdom, volunteer at an active retirement community or nursing home just to listen to the stories and history of men in their later years. Volunteering is easy, put in a call in to the activities director and tell them you want to write or record the stories of the men. You will be welcomed and appreciated. I have done this and it’s a life changing experience. Also check out the Veteran’s History Project at the Library of Congress. Read and listen to those amazing stories and be motivated by other men.

Rejection needn’t be an oppressive  and soul-draining experience. Rejection is an opportunity

Her Toxic Female Friends

Single women over 45 tend to stuff their days with endless activities outside of work such as errands, hopefully the gym or pilates, hobbies, family, friends, etc. This can often lead to little time for dating. In fact, she will often state that she’s quite busy but will make time for the man in her life. That’s a subject worthy of another post.

Of all the activities a busy woman indulges, socializing is frequently high on the list. She likely has a circle of friends, most often single, with whom she discusses, commiserates, and vents on a variety of subjects. Men and relationships are a frequent source of misery and woe for this group of middle aged women.

A reasonable fellow who finds himself dating a woman with a tight circle of single friends must be extremely wary. That circle of friends is often extremely toxic to building a real relationship with the woman he is dating.

The next logical question is “why would a woman of character surround herself with friends who are toxic to a relationship?” This is because when a woman becomes single, she will often find friends in the same situation without realizing their negativity. It’s only when a woman of character (to be tested by the guy later) seeks a positive and healthy relationship does the negativity of her friends manifest itself.

It is true that with age should come maturity and the ability to think independently away from the influence of others. This is not always the case and especially for women with a very close group of female friends. Women tend to be influenced far more by social expectations, regardless of the outcome. That circle of single female friends is doling out all sorts of advice, criticism of potential male partners, and encouragement that is extremely negative and often quite destructive.

That clutch of single women most often speaks of dissatisfaction. Dalrock covers this is a broader context here. It’s an excellent read.

Dissatisfaction is an emotionally cancerous idea, especially in the realm of dating and relationships. Should a woman meet a new man, she comes along with a jury of her peers eager to heap contumely upon the man’s head. Her friends will grill her ruthlessly and seek viciously to find the man’s faults. Should he not meet the jury’s exacting standards – “he’s only a middle manager?”, “he’s got a mustache?”, “he’s got a child still in the house?” – the single friends will urge her to dump him and quick with one awful and terminal phrase “you deserve better”.

No one deserves anything. Who came up with the nonsense that someone deserves something?

If there is truly a good connection between the man and woman, it’s the man’s absolute responsibility to keep the woman away from those toxic, single friends. It’s also the woman’s absolute responsibility to acknowledge that her single friends are indeed toxic to her new relationship. That’s why those friends are still single. The single friends will also view the new man as a threat to the social status quo. Of course the man is a threat, he should be actively working to remove emotionally ugly and negative people from the woman’s life so the relationship can blossom and be healthy in the long run.

As a relationship grows, there is a point where introductions are made to respective friends. The man should resist being introduced to her friends, especially her single friends. That first introduction is nothing more than an awful gauntlet of evaluations and judgments. The outcome will likely be that she deserves better. Rather, the man should introduce the woman to his friends first and work actively to bring her into his social circle, not vice versa. A man of good character will surround himself with positive, engaging, and non-judgmental people. Those friends will see the man’s happiness with the new relationship and encourage him, not look for flaws in his new paramour.

There is an additional benefit for a man insisting that his new love meet his friends first. This sets the precedent of him taking the lead in the relationship, showing his confidence, of being alpha. Only when the relationship is firmly in place should a man accept meeting her single friends. If she is insistent that he meet her friends early in the relationship, that’s a warning sign. It shows that she is not secure enough and requires the assurances and validation of others.

On that fateful date when he faces a group of dissatisfied entitlement queens (no wonder they are still single), he must Game those single women as hard as possible. He must be the uber alpha. If he determines that the friends are indeed toxic, he must be come across as arrogant and repellent.  There should be one result from meeting those nasty type of single friends: they don’t like him and the friends should be actively encouraging her to dump the man. This is his shit test to the new woman in his life and it could very well be a deal breaker.

She fails the test when she breaks up with the guy and returns to the nest of hornets. The man has dodged a bullet. If she tries to maintain both the friends and the man, the man must break up with her because the friends will be actively trying to cause a break up of the relationship.

She passes the test when she distances herself from those harridans and finds a better social life with her man’s friends. As a bonus, the man never has to deal with her unpleasant friends again.

Through a Different Lens

With age comes experience. With introspection and honest observation comes knowledge of self and the human condition. Combine the two and true wisdom is the result.

There was no epiphany. There was no flash of inspiration. The wisdom accumulated gradually over the years and led to a series of small intellectual gains. I’m re-focused completely and utterly.

This is not a matter of just learning Game, it’s the matter of learning about masculinity and femininity. It’s the matter of learning about how men and women interact romantically, sexually, socially in the milieu of the biological imperative.

It’s also the matter of stripping away the social expectations of political correctness where words and actions become completely and destructively separated.

I look at human interactions differently now. Game and the manosphere is like a new set of eyeglasses that provides clarity of truth. Watching people is now a completely different experience. I see a man and a woman interact socially and I see the real truths. I know now that words are usually just the shell of social expectations and the actions, however subtle, reveal the true nature of that social interaction.

Game and the manosphere allows me to look far beyond the surface of words and see motivations, weaknesses, emotions, agendas that were often invisible to me in my previous and naive approach to understanding communication amongst people.

This is doubly true in the context of dating and relationships. So many social expectations attempt to smother the biological imperative when men and women attempt to connect intimately. Yet the biological imperative simply can’t be stifled. We are living creatures and many of our behaviors are based on biology. When the wet blankets of social expectations are ripped away, only then can the truth about men and women be fully understood.

In effect, I have taken the red pill (hat tip to A Voice for Men) and have seen the matrix for what it is. It pains me that more men haven’t done so. It pains me that there is still so much resistance to understanding the truths of our biology.

Distance and Online Dating

I am fortunate in that I live in a metropolitan area with over 5 million people. I have certain guidelines regarding my preferences for women and their geographical location. If the woman meets all of my preferences, I am willing to travel further to see her. The more preferences that are not met, the closer she must be. This is all part of the online dating process that I use.

For typical men living in smaller cities or rural areas, the distance factor becomes quite the challenge. There are simply fewer available women and so he must search in a much bigger geographical area. Once a date is set up, it’s likely that the man will do most of the driving to meet the woman. With all the additional driving, it can get expensive and very time consuming. As well, if there are kids on both sides of equation, scheduling can become something of a nightmare. Logically, a  typical man is faced with building rapport with a potential first date through other means – emails, texts, phone calls, etc – in order to determine if a connection exists.

Sadly, logic in the dating game doesn’t work particularly well. Unless a man is 100% preselected by a woman, every email, text, phone call is an opportunity for rejection. It’s important to remember that without that preselection, a woman is looking for reasons to reject a man, not accept him. It’s the whole mystery thing that a man is expected to project. Such mystery forces the woman to build a mental narrative with the guy as part of the story. Too many words from the guy and the mystery evaporates.

Here is the dilemma that the typical man faces when he must cast his net in a large geographical area to find dates. Too little communication means too much driving to a first date that will never result in a second date. Too much communication means that there will be far fewer first dates. Ironically, this could result in an even larger geographical area being searched and even greater driving distances.

The ultimate fix for that dilemma is to make her do the driving to the first date. This requires an online dating profile of stunning alphaness to get their attention and then having superb communication skills combined with solid Game (text, email, phone) to ensure enough preselection so they come to you. This is the solution for the atypical man. Typical is beta, atypical is alpha.

Fortunately, the profile, communication skills, and Game can all be improved. As a single man works on these things, he still might have to do some driving to those first dates but every date should be considered an opportunity for practice and learning. A good measure of a man’s success is the percentage of dates where the woman drives to meet him. There is also the home turf advantage and that’s a confidence builder.

Of course, if the man is looking for a long term relationship and his dating endeavors are ultimately successful, this could lead to the long distance relationship, a true challenge.

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