The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Embrace Constant Rejection

I’ve been seriously online dating for just over a year. I’ve become the lord and master of the first date and “dated briefly”. I am assigning no blame to the women who I have dated. I am simply acknowledging the state of things in my life. I am quite aware of who I am and confidently know what I offer in the context of a serious relationship.

In the past three weeks, despite being effectively unemployed, I have had several first dates. Each one has resulted in the follow up message of “you’re not the one”. To that, I hoisted a fine gin and tonic and said out loud and confidently, “Next!” My neighbors might think me a bit loopy, but I simply don’t care.

Working up the emotional energy to plow ahead has been a challenge. Thankfully, I am a rather optimistic fellow and that gives me enough strength to continue. Regardless of my job situation (I have some good freelance gigs) and being in almost dire financial circumstances, I know that I simply must move forward toward my ultimate goal – a solid, healthy, and wonderful long term relationship. I simply refuse to let my own rationalization hamster convince me that being single is the best situation for me.

It’s not easy. Each rejection – and yea, I am legion in that regard – is a wee cut to my confidence. But there is a positive impact as the result of that wee cut. To heal, I turn to my passions. I write. I read (history is my favorite). I ride my motorcycle. I seek the company of friends and connect with family. I correspond with several bloggers and offer advice and solace to them. Hell, I’m trying to arrange a set-up with a female blogger and an old friend.

I truly empathize with guys who also face constant rejection. To them, I say keep moving forward. Maintain your passions, connect socially, be strong. I know it’s incredibly difficult,  impossibly difficult. Also, consider your own characters flaws and work on them. Don’t just improve yourself for that potential love of your live. Improve yourself for you, for your confidence, for your self respect. The women around you will sense it and you will become more attractive to them.

Read, observe, be aware and learn about social interactions. Don’t allow negativity to cast a shadow over the positive elements of your masculinity. Oh, and call your father or another, older male relative. Talk with them about the nature of being a man. Those men won’t live forever and it’s your moral duty to absorb their wisdom.

If you truly want some wisdom, volunteer at an active retirement community or nursing home just to listen to the stories and history of men in their later years. Volunteering is easy, put in a call in to the activities director and tell them you want to write or record the stories of the men. You will be welcomed and appreciated. I have done this and it’s a life changing experience. Also check out the Veteran’s History Project at the Library of Congress. Read and listen to those amazing stories and be motivated by other men.

Rejection needn’t be an oppressive  and soul-draining experience. Rejection is an opportunity

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16 thoughts on “Embrace Constant Rejection

  1. Jeannie on said:

    As a woman in the same (dating) boat, I would say that we all have to get used to rejection. But it’s really hard to not take it too personally. From reading this post, I know we all get rejected a lot, and it’s a normal part of the process.

    You make a really good suggestion here about men talking to the older males in their family, while they still can. I think they got some things right. The code. The honor. Whatever it is or was. There is wisdom in the generations that come before. I think women would do well if we did the same thing. Maybe looked to grandmothers more than our mothers for some of those qualities that give us confidence and comfort in our gender, and the ability to create and sustain good relationships with good men.

  2. How about a break from the online Game?

    Sounds like you could use it. Run some daygame or nightgame perhaps?

    • I think this is good advice, thanks.

      Real life Game requires a different set of skills. As I have been concentrating on online Game, my real life Game has been suffering. It’s been a couple of months since I have done that and my skills and confidence need a brush up.

      • I think you’re in for a treat.

        Women use online dating sites with the negative guarded mindset of screening out unsuitable guys. They end up screening out nearly everyone. The problem isn’t you. The problem is their suspicious attitude.

        Whereas in real life, they are just going about their day and along comes this charming guy who strikes up a conversation while they are walking the dog in the park, sitting in Starbucks with their laptop, browsing in the bookstore or whatever. You are adding value to their day and they are not in “screening mode”.

        If you don’t mind the bar scene, get a wingman you trust and check out the local neighbourhood bars.

        Best of luck!

  3. Well, I met my current gf (w have been dating 1.5 years) after about 3 years of dating mostly from meeting women on-line. In that time, I went through about 25-30 women (I live in a metro area of about 250,000 people) for one to three dates, so about one new meeting every 1-2 months. I would say about 50% of the time she rejected me, and 50% of the time I rejected her (usually because she was overweight). I suspect my experience is average, and so that means that you will meet 1 out of 25 that is LTR material–and that is even after filtering out the obviously fat/unattractive ones.

    My observations of women on-line (in my age bracket of mid 40’s) were this: 80% of the women are just too fat or unattractive to date (but I do live in the Ohio valley, where obesity rates are above average). Of the remaining 20% they fall into at least one of the four following categories:

    1.) some kind of personality problem (eg histrionic personality disorder) so that she would be too difficult to be in an LTR with.
    2.) gold digger
    3.) not any money saved, or in debt.
    4.) some kind of chronic health problem (genital herpes, diabetes, etc).

    Anyway, I got lucky with my current gf in that she only has one of these problems (#4).

    We keep telling women that they can’t have it all. We cannot either.

    Its remarkable that there are so few women that are LTR material out there.

    Good luck with the dating, PM

  4. cybro on said:

    Online dating is a complete waste of time. Most American women online and offline are not worth more than a pump and dump. Even then I don’t recommend it because of the high rate of STD’s they are infected with. Add to that all the game you have to employ just to get a pump out of them and it really is more trouble than it’s worth. My advice is to not take it seriously and use it for your amusement purposes only.

  5. Hughman on said:

    I think my earlier rant on the ‘contact’ section has improved my mood PM. The sun is shining, and I’m going to get suited and booted for the best nighclub in my town tonight.

    On a sidenote, a reply from a 8.5 student nurse today:
    “Just read your profile and Wow
    YOUR A C**T
    Regards,
    Steph”

    Tempted to reply, just to see if she will provide some reasoning. Her anger is the start of emotional investement in me

  6. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: We’re Back! Edition

  7. If you truly want some wisdom, volunteer at an active retirement community or nursing home just to listen to the stories and history of men in their later years.

    I worked as a caregiver for a year, and I recommend it to anyone. Taking care of the elderly is equal to drinking from a fountain of wisdom.

    Except for changing soiled diapers. That part sucks.

  8. Pretend the second and third stanzas are not italicized.

  9. superenigma on said:

    great post. worth taking it offline though, as Joe suggested.

  10. “To them, I say keep moving forward. Maintain your passions, connect socially, be strong. I know it’s incredibly difficult, impossibly difficult. Also, consider your own characters flaws and work on them. Don’t just improve yourself for that potential love of your live. Improve yourself for you, for your confidence, for your self respect”

    Aw-some!

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