The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “March 6, 2011”

Embrace Constant Rejection

I’ve been seriously online dating for just over a year. I’ve become the lord and master of the first date and “dated briefly”. I am assigning no blame to the women who I have dated. I am simply acknowledging the state of things in my life. I am quite aware of who I am and confidently know what I offer in the context of a serious relationship.

In the past three weeks, despite being effectively unemployed, I have had several first dates. Each one has resulted in the follow up message of “you’re not the one”. To that, I hoisted a fine gin and tonic and said out loud and confidently, “Next!” My neighbors might think me a bit loopy, but I simply don’t care.

Working up the emotional energy to plow ahead has been a challenge. Thankfully, I am a rather optimistic fellow and that gives me enough strength to continue. Regardless of my job situation (I have some good freelance gigs) and being in almost dire financial circumstances, I know that I simply must move forward toward my ultimate goal – a solid, healthy, and wonderful long term relationship. I simply refuse to let my own rationalization hamster convince me that being single is the best situation for me.

It’s not easy. Each rejection – and yea, I am legion in that regard – is a wee cut to my confidence. But there is a positive impact as the result of that wee cut. To heal, I turn to my passions. I write. I read (history is my favorite). I ride my motorcycle. I seek the company of friends and connect with family. I correspond with several bloggers and offer advice and solace to them. Hell, I’m trying to arrange a set-up with a female blogger and an old friend.

I truly empathize with guys who also face constant rejection. To them, I say keep moving forward. Maintain your passions, connect socially, be strong. I know it’s incredibly difficult,  impossibly difficult. Also, consider your own characters flaws and work on them. Don’t just improve yourself for that potential love of your live. Improve yourself for you, for your confidence, for your self respect. The women around you will sense it and you will become more attractive to them.

Read, observe, be aware and learn about social interactions. Don’t allow negativity to cast a shadow over the positive elements of your masculinity. Oh, and call your father or another, older male relative. Talk with them about the nature of being a man. Those men won’t live forever and it’s your moral duty to absorb their wisdom.

If you truly want some wisdom, volunteer at an active retirement community or nursing home just to listen to the stories and history of men in their later years. Volunteering is easy, put in a call in to the activities director and tell them you want to write or record the stories of the men. You will be welcomed and appreciated. I have done this and it’s a life changing experience. Also check out the Veteran’s History Project at the Library of Congress. Read and listen to those amazing stories and be motivated by other men.

Rejection needn’t be an oppressive  and soul-draining experience. Rejection is an opportunity

Her Toxic Female Friends

Single women over 45 tend to stuff their days with endless activities outside of work such as errands, hopefully the gym or pilates, hobbies, family, friends, etc. This can often lead to little time for dating. In fact, she will often state that she’s quite busy but will make time for the man in her life. That’s a subject worthy of another post.

Of all the activities a busy woman indulges, socializing is frequently high on the list. She likely has a circle of friends, most often single, with whom she discusses, commiserates, and vents on a variety of subjects. Men and relationships are a frequent source of misery and woe for this group of middle aged women.

A reasonable fellow who finds himself dating a woman with a tight circle of single friends must be extremely wary. That circle of friends is often extremely toxic to building a real relationship with the woman he is dating.

The next logical question is “why would a woman of character surround herself with friends who are toxic to a relationship?” This is because when a woman becomes single, she will often find friends in the same situation without realizing their negativity. It’s only when a woman of character (to be tested by the guy later) seeks a positive and healthy relationship does the negativity of her friends manifest itself.

It is true that with age should come maturity and the ability to think independently away from the influence of others. This is not always the case and especially for women with a very close group of female friends. Women tend to be influenced far more by social expectations, regardless of the outcome. That circle of single female friends is doling out all sorts of advice, criticism of potential male partners, and encouragement that is extremely negative and often quite destructive.

That clutch of single women most often speaks of dissatisfaction. Dalrock covers this is a broader context here. It’s an excellent read.

Dissatisfaction is an emotionally cancerous idea, especially in the realm of dating and relationships. Should a woman meet a new man, she comes along with a jury of her peers eager to heap contumely upon the man’s head. Her friends will grill her ruthlessly and seek viciously to find the man’s faults. Should he not meet the jury’s exacting standards – “he’s only a middle manager?”, “he’s got a mustache?”, “he’s got a child still in the house?” – the single friends will urge her to dump him and quick with one awful and terminal phrase “you deserve better”.

No one deserves anything. Who came up with the nonsense that someone deserves something?

If there is truly a good connection between the man and woman, it’s the man’s absolute responsibility to keep the woman away from those toxic, single friends. It’s also the woman’s absolute responsibility to acknowledge that her single friends are indeed toxic to her new relationship. That’s why those friends are still single. The single friends will also view the new man as a threat to the social status quo. Of course the man is a threat, he should be actively working to remove emotionally ugly and negative people from the woman’s life so the relationship can blossom and be healthy in the long run.

As a relationship grows, there is a point where introductions are made to respective friends. The man should resist being introduced to her friends, especially her single friends. That first introduction is nothing more than an awful gauntlet of evaluations and judgments. The outcome will likely be that she deserves better. Rather, the man should introduce the woman to his friends first and work actively to bring her into his social circle, not vice versa. A man of good character will surround himself with positive, engaging, and non-judgmental people. Those friends will see the man’s happiness with the new relationship and encourage him, not look for flaws in his new paramour.

There is an additional benefit for a man insisting that his new love meet his friends first. This sets the precedent of him taking the lead in the relationship, showing his confidence, of being alpha. Only when the relationship is firmly in place should a man accept meeting her single friends. If she is insistent that he meet her friends early in the relationship, that’s a warning sign. It shows that she is not secure enough and requires the assurances and validation of others.

On that fateful date when he faces a group of dissatisfied entitlement queens (no wonder they are still single), he must Game those single women as hard as possible. He must be the uber alpha. If he determines that the friends are indeed toxic, he must be come across as arrogant and repellent.  There should be one result from meeting those nasty type of single friends: they don’t like him and the friends should be actively encouraging her to dump the man. This is his shit test to the new woman in his life and it could very well be a deal breaker.

She fails the test when she breaks up with the guy and returns to the nest of hornets. The man has dodged a bullet. If she tries to maintain both the friends and the man, the man must break up with her because the friends will be actively trying to cause a break up of the relationship.

She passes the test when she distances herself from those harridans and finds a better social life with her man’s friends. As a bonus, the man never has to deal with her unpleasant friends again.

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