The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “February, 2011”

A Good Comment Worthy of a Longer Reply

A reader posted a comment in response to “Online Dating, A Short Primer”. It’s all about the approach of blocking the profiles of women who aren’t interested and show that lack of interest by not responding to a guy’s message or waiting too long (more than a week) to respond to that message.

And while I approved the comment, it didn’t display. [EDIT – it did display but I was looking in the wrong place. Doh!] No matter, here is the comment with my response after each paragraph.

Why block someone? That seems like an angry and immature act. And when do you decide she has “disappeared?” After she doesn’t respond in a week? A month?

Men are not women. While blocking a profile might seem angry and immature to you, it is actually reason and logic at work. It’s men working a consistent system. I advise no more than a week before giving up and blocking the profile. If a woman finds the guy attractive, she should be responding sooner. More than a week indicates lack of interest. It’s just that simple.

I have many, many guys who have been unresponsive or disappear. In fact, I think this is more common with males than with females. But I would never block them or take it personally. I just assume that they got busy or were not interested. If it’s odd, I’ll usually send them a funny email, perhaps with a multiple choice response form to try and figure out why the communication stopped. When they want to contact me they will, but if I’ve blocked them, they can’t! Many times guys who have “disappeared” will reappear and apologize. I won’t date them, but often we do reconnect as friends.

I have to say it again and again. Blocking a profile is not taking it personally to a guy, it’s simply being efficient. Once again, men are not women. As for the guys who have disappeared and reappeared, what is their reward? You put them in the FriendZone. There is a phrase for this type of guy: “average frustrated chump”. Most guys have lots of friends in real life and they are online dating, not online friending.

I’m someone who almost always responds because I want to be nice. If I’m not interested in dating, I let the guy know that, but some will want to continue to be pen-pals when I’m not interested in that. What should I say: “Leave me alone?” I usually don’t do that, but I do not respond quickly and I hope they come to realize that I’m not interested in being chatty. If need be, I tell them that I’d prefer to just be Facebook friends or let them know that I don’t have time to be pen-pals. Still, if I take awhile to respond, it is no reason to consider me a “vapor” or block me. I think that’s going too far.

Taking a long time to respond indicates two things:

1. She’s too busy to be dating, especially in real life. If she finds a guy attractive online yet can’t spare just a few moments to respond to his message, then her life is way too full and she needs to seriously re-evalute her priorities.

2. She’s a conscience or sub-conscience game player. “I can’t respond too quickly because he’ll think I’m desperate.” That’s just an emotional game. Ironic that so many woman have on their profiles, “no games”. Snort, chuckle, guffaw. In response to that, I advise guys to wait just as long to respond all the while working other profiles. She waits, she loses. If she’s over 45 and still playing those games? Double loss. Demographics and time are not working in her favor.

But it is gracious that you respond with a polite rejection. You are a tiny minority of women who do that.

It is certainly more polite to respond, but a lack of response should not be taken personally. Many times people are not even checking their email, but when they do check, if you’ve blocked someone, she won’t even be able to respond.

If people aren’t checking their messages regularly (as in daily) they are simply not serious about online dating and so blocking that profile separates the wheat from the chaff. This is why I will sometimes recommend a fee-based online dating website. If a woman is actually paying the monthly fee, she’s serious about online dating and is far more likely to be checking her emails and sending out her messages to guys. That also goes for the guys. If they are simply using the free website to idly troll the waters of single women, he’s simply not serious about finding a relationship. He’s likely looking for quick pick-ups and “casual dating”.

Anyway, you, of course, can block if you want, and she probably won’t even know it, but I think that is the immature behavior.

Immature to you, efficient and process-oriented to me. It’s a numbers game for men. As you are a never settle kind of lady, have you read the post on Emotional Pornography?

Share Those Awful Online Dating Profiles!

I love reading the online dating profiles of women, especially the really bad ones. Gentlemen, if you find an awful online dating profile, go to this page and leave a reply at the bottom of the page.

I don’t care about the profiles from the men. There are plenty of blogs where those profiles are revealed and reviled by women.

Also, I don’t care about the profiles of women under 35. Leave the youngsters alone. I want the profiles of seemingly mature, intelligent women.

I’ll try to put this post on a side bar as a constant reminder.

Finding “Chemistry”

The word “chemistry” the most overused word in all the online dating profiles. This is especially true for the over 40 crowd of women. They all so desperately seek chemistry. I am quite tempted to include a photo of a chemistry set in my online dating profile with the caption, “Look ladies, I gots da chemistry!” I doubt anyone will get the joke.

Chemistry for a woman is her conscience acknowledgment that she will have sex with you. That’s all there is to it. When she feels chemistry, her vagina tingles and she’s mentally planning a sexual encounter with you. Men aren’t the only ones thinking with their reproductive organs. If you connect with her on a more intellectual and emotional level, she’s not only planning for sex, she’s planning her new life with you.

It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually. Sadly, I can’t vouch for this. I do know that the demands for “chemistry” are omnipresent in the online dating profiles. I would say that women want to know within the first few seconds of meeting and they actively look for men who would make them feel the swift torrent of sexual desire on the first meeting. This is what the whole first date bullshit is all about. She wants to know quickly and efficiently if you are a potential sexual partner.

Before you get all excited about the prospect of sexual chemistry, you have to understand that even the most sexually liberated woman isn’t going to welcome you into bed on the first date. Consider the awesome power of social expectations. A nice lady doesn’t jump a man’s bones unless some element of the dating ritual is completed. And while she might know in the first few seconds of the date that there’s going to be some nookie at some point, she is not going to reveal that fact overtly. Proper ladies of a certain age don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, there will be only passing discussion of the hypocrisy that many of these proper ladies were complete and utter floozies in their youth.

So here we have you on a date and you feel a strong sexual desire for the women sipping wine with you. You want her bad. Maybe she wants you just as badly but she’s being coy. She’s not the type of girl, after all. Never mind the threesome she had with her roommate and her boyfriend way back in college. She was drunk. And he was really, really cute. Oh, and forget her experiences with swinging with her second ex-husband. That was just a phase and while it might have been a lot of fun, she’s not like that anymore. She’ll sip her wine and gaze at you, her lady parts smoldering away. How do you know she’s smoldering? Read the next paragraph twice.

The question for you is, have you learned to read body language and non-verbal cues? If you haven’t, your dating life is going to be simply wretched and you will be wailing and gnashing your teeth on a regular basis. Frankly, if you don’t understand a woman’s body language and non-verbal cues, you are a clueless putz and deserve every bad date you get. There will be no lessons in body language here. Go out on the interwebs and learn. The PUA websites are a good start. You will also learn about your own body language and how to build comfort and attraction with women.

There is one fundamental weakness to the whole notion of chemistry. It assumes that chemistry is a quick and unyielding experience. Women don’t want a man to grow on them. They want instant gratification. Of course they will not state this clearly in their profiles. “I want a man to make my panties wet instantly.” Rather, it’s “I want to find a real chemistry with a man.” Yet with instant gratification comes shockingly poor decisions regarding men. That fellow who made her panties wet might be a complete tool in regards to maintaining a relationship. Ah, ain’t love grand?

If a string of sexual encounters is what you seek through online dating, then by all means learn the skills of creating sexual attraction with the opposite sex. It’s not rocket science. Women aren’t mysterious creatures imbued with magical powers. They’re just women and can be quite predictable. Learn the skills. Go have fun. Wear a condom.

More frustration: Even if your correspondence and phone calls were blisteringly hot with da sex talk, that is no guarantee of future sex. If a women doesn’t feel the chemistry in real life, there will be no sex in real life.

If you want a real relationship, you have to get past the chemistry thing. You have to make the leap from “guy I’m on a date with” to “guy who I really want to get all naked and sweaty with”. For that leap, there are no second chances. Once she determines that you’re not going to be a sexual partner, there is nothing – I repeat, nothing – you can do to grow on her. She’s already mentally reviewing the online profiles she read that morning and hoping the date with you ends quickly.

Just cut your losses and move on. Your consistent online dating process should mean that you’re actively corresponding with at least three potential new dates. There are, after all, plenty of fish in the sea.

Emotional Pornography

[This particular post is getting lots of hits. I urge readers to check out the rest of this blog. I also urge readers to comment.]

I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not mine.

There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no” constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.

Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’ online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.

Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy. What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex? Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.

Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed that emotional pornography.

Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).

Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she suddenly realizes that he’s no longer attractive to her. And how do women come up with this nonsense? Emotional pornography, believing the fantasy should be real.

If our government really wants to embrace censorship (it shouldn’t, by the way), emotional pornography should be first on the list.

Lest I seem the curmudgeonly and cynical sort, I believe that men are finally wising up to the situation. They are learning that women merely talk a good game about needing romance and the whole knight in shining armor thing. That’s the social expectation as supported by that emotional pornography. But the actions of women, ah, that’s where the truth comes out. Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid.

Online Dating, A Short Primer

It’s all about having a consistent system.

I will assume that you already have a profile and photos with one of the major online dating websites. I use Plenty of Fish and Match. Your local area might be more into OKCupid or even Craigslist. Ask around. I will cover more about profiles in a subsequent post.

So you review the profiles of the single women and you begin the hunt. If you’re sending out lots of messages, keep track. Use a spreadsheet if you must. Once you start working a consistent system, you might find yourself corresponding and going out on dates with quite a variety of women. This requires organization.

You send a message. You must read every word in her profile, even if it’s just a few brief words. Don’t compliment her on her looks. Seriously. Find something, anything, unique in her profile and comment on that. Your spelling and grammar must be flawless. Women conflate good communication skills with intelligence. Ironically, if you communicate too much with a woman, it’s a turn off.

If you’ve got honest wit and are good with words, you’ll be in a better position. Do bear in mind that humor is very subjective. One woman’s perception of witty and clever and is another woman’s perception of offensiveness and hostility.

If the woman has a long list of requirements that no man can realistically meet, don’t bring up it in any of your messages. In fact, don’t bother sending her a message. You’ve just run across an entitlement princess. I will have a more detailed post about how to translate womanese to manspeak regarding profiles.

The other part of the message can be a simple copy and paste and needs to have the “call to action” in the marketing lingo.

In this example, I am sending a message to a woman who has put “majorette” as her occupation and stated that she is learning to snorkel and has big dogs as pets:

Hiya!
OK, being a majorette could be considered a job. Do you get benefits in the off chance you suffer a majorette related injury? Hey, gotta ask!

And yes, I read profiles.

I do like dogs, especially big, slobbery dogs that jump into laps at the worst possible moment.

As for the snorkeling bit, just keep your breathing tube clear! lol.

I’d like to start a bit of a correspondence with the intent of actually meeting at some point soon. After all, the purpose of online dating is to go out on actual dates!

Ciao Bella!

The Private Man

[Follow up – This women did indeed return my message and seemed enthusiastic about corresponding. But like so many before, she went “poof” and I never heard back from her.]

I use the boldface part of the message on every message.

Don’t make any overt sexual references. That’s a big a no no. From what I am told, there is a subset of guys on Plenty of Fish who are looking for sexual hookups.  If that is your goal, get yourself over to Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finder and stop polluting the waters at Plenty of Fish.

Again, it is extremely important that you find something unique in her profile and mention it in some way. The biggest complaint from women is that men don’t read profiles. Read her damned profile!

Once she receives your message, she’ll look at your profile. Yes, women look at photos and if you’re not her physical type, then it is highly unlikely that your message will even be read. This is the frustrating part. Try not to let it bother you. In fact, this part of the process is enormously frustrating because of the constant and never ending rejection. If there enough women in your area, you should be sending out at least five new messages every day. Yup, that’s almost 50 each week. Expect constant and never ending rejection.

Naturally, you will seek out the most physically attractive women first. These are the women who gets dozens of messages daily from fawning guys. These are the women who will also reject you unless you are devastatingly good looking (male model material), in ferociously good shape, over 6 feet tall, and wealthy. Your incredibly good photos and stunning words will reveal all this. There are just a few guys like this. They’re the ones dating all the attractive women you see in the profiles.

Why do you think so many attractive women write “no players” in their profiles? It’s because they got pumped and dumped by those very, very few guys who meet these women’s insanely high standards. Those guys, those really alpha guys, have no reason to commit and so they play the field because they can.

So, you will get realistic about whom you might attract once it’s clear that the online hotties aren’t responding to your messages. No one ever said that this part of online dating is supposed to be an emotionally rewarding experience. And seriously, going after 20-somethings? Save that for real life and not online.

Oh, don’t wink on Match.com. Just don’t. Send a real message. As for Plenty of Fish, if you make a woman a “favorite”, follow up with a message within a couple of days. The “Meet” feature is new to PoF and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s worth it.

If a woman winks at you on Match and you’re actually attracted to her, send a message. The same goes for when a woman makes you a favorite on PoF. If you’re not attracted to them, you can be polite and send a rejection message. Or, just ignore them. After all, that’s what the vast majority of women do.

If fate and fortune smile upon you, she returns with a positive message. Don’t expect an immediate return message, even if she is online. Shit, don’t expect any return message. If you’re the average guy, you might get a message or two for every dozen or so you send out.

Sidebar – Instant Messages:

They can work but be sparing about them. The best time for instant messages is right after dinner. But unless you can do really, really well with words, don’t expect much. Lead with “hello”, it’s the safest way to go. This will get her to read your profile. If she responds, she’s curious but not necessarily interested. Yet. Your job is to get her interested. This is tricky. Ask questions about herself. This is key. Reveal little about yourself. Don’t spend more than about 10 minutes going back and forth. And you must end the chat. If there are long delays between her instant messages, she’s chatting with other men or is busy. Take that as a sign to stop chatting. Send a thank you message. This will hopefully result in the message/email correspondence.

The problem with chatting is that you could reveal that your written communication skills aren’t up to snuff. That’s why messaging is good. You get the time to craft your message and clean up the grammar and spelling. Women think that good communication skills are a sign of intelligence.

You exchange approximately three back and fourths and then either you or she recommends a phone call. Don’t ask her to call you in the first message. Sometimes, the correspondence occurs over weeks. If there are long delays between messages, you reply in kind with the same delays. If she responds quickly, you do the same. Your online correspondence must be light and breezy without anything negative.

If after a few messages back and forth that seem to go well. Give her your number and hopefully she will give you hers. If she does, ask her when is a good time to call. If she doesn’t give you her number, don’t hold your breath for a phone call from her. Likely, you will call her. Do so within 48 hours.

If she answers your call, have a nice phone conversation, don’t flatter her. Instead, ask questions about her and listen very carefully. Volunteer only limited information about yourself. Maintain the mystery. If she talks mostly about herself, she will think you’re an interesting and accessible guy.

If she doesn’t answer the phone, leave a nice, brief message and ask that she returns your call at a convenient time for you. If after a three or four days there is no call, text, or online message, she’s done. End communications and move on. You can consider this a flake maneuver and it’s worthy of blocking her profile and ignoring any further communication from her.

When you do speak with her and you feel that the conversation is going well, it’s time to move forward to a real date. How do you know if it’s going well? She’s revealing more personal information about herself and in particular, her emotional state. “Well, I am feeling frustrated at work.” If she feels comfortable enough to reveal that without prompting, she’s comfortable enough for meeting in person.

But if she’s being very guarded and reveals little about herself, you may need another phone call. Phone calls should be stress free and no more than 15 minutes or so. For some guys, it’s difficult not to get nervous. Unfortunately, nervousness does not come across as confident. But if you’re keeping your online dating pipeline full, you will be having lots of these conversations and any nervousness and stress should ease over time. If you’re a really shy guy or lack social skills, I strongly recommend this website: http://www.succeedsocially.com/

Don’t ask if she wants to meet. Tell her. “I’m really enjoying this conversation with you, we need to meet.” The vast majority of women will agree. Have several options available. You are the man, don’t ask her where she might want to go unless she volunteers it. As for the timing, this gets tricky. Going for a Saturday date is problematic because Saturday nights make it sound like a big deal when you just really want to determine the chemistry factor.

After work on a weekday is best. Know where she works and pick a place halfway between her place of work and yours. A weekend afternoon for ice cream is also a good idea. In both these scenarios, you might even continue the date to a rather intimate conclusion. Don’t assume that. For the vast majority of guys, the first date is about determining chemistry and not making an attempt at seduction.

A dinner date is not recommended for a first date, especially somewhere fancy and expensive. This puts too much pressure on her and even more pressure on your wallet.

At this point, you should have a solid knowledge of Game to help you determine if your date is attracted to you. Game can also help escalate the date into something more. Don’t bring flowers to your first date.

Once the arrangements have been made, you are the one who ends the phone conversation. “I look forward to meeting you… and now I have to run…”

Real Life Flaking

Whether it’s getting stood up on a date or not following up to confirm a date, real life flaking is far more frustrating than online flaking.

If she calls you to cancel the date without offering a solid counter offer of another time or venue, it’s still a flake. She’s either not that into you or is working a bigger, better deal. Regardless, any real life flaking must result in instant dismissal. Make no further contact, block her profile, no exceptions. One chance, one chance only. Getting stood up with no notice – not even a simple text message – is the ultimate in flaking. It will happen. Be warned.

Here is a great tip for weeding out the flakes: Call them the morning of the day you have your date planned and tell them you’ve got an errand to run and will be 10 or 15 minutes late and ask if that’s ok. If they’re going to flake, they’ll jump on this opportunity to bail thus saving you from wasting your time later on.

Thankfully, real life flaking decreases as women get older. If she flakes in real life after 40, you’ve dodged a huge, life-sucking bullet and you should count your blessings.

[If you liked this blog post, please support my continued efforts through my Patreon]

Online Dating and Flaking

This is when a woman stops corresponding with you for no stated reason. She simply doesn’t return your latest message, email, or phone call. Even mature women do this.

There could be any reason for it –

1. The arrival of a bigger, better, deal. You’ll know this because she pulls her profile or logs in much less frequently. It’s a competitive world out there and you’re not the only Prince Charming to be knocking on her door.

2. She’s just not that into you. You’ll know this because she’s logging in just as frequently but somehow just can’t muster up the energy to write you. This comes from the “never settle” attitude that women have adopted in regards to dating and relationships. Also bear in mind that before you have an established relationship a woman is looking for reasons to reject you.

3. Her personal life just got too crazy. You’ll know this because she logs in far less often, if at all. Of all the reasons for flaking, this one is the most legitimate. However, women program themselves to completely fill up their off-work hours with all sorts of activities. Very few are content to just spend time alone. A frenzy of activities allows them to rationalize that they have no time for dating or that they are content to be single.

4. Online attention whoring. Women thrive on attention and getting it online is quite enough for some flakey women. Of course, they have no intention of actually meeting you because once they get their attention fix online, they can happily move on to the next guy should their always fragile egos need another pick-me-up. She’ll still be logging in, maybe even changing her profile. Oh, and she’s married or in a serious relationship.

5. They are not serious about online dating. Even the most perfect man cannot get her to respond consistently to online messages. She might log in every few days just to see what’s going on and to check out her very full in box. See number 3 and number 4.

Online flaking happens all the time and while annoying, it shouldn’t be cause for anger. The solution to online flaking is to always be filling the pipeline with new prospects. The more women you are corresponding with, the more options you will have when the inevitable flaking occurs.

Just remember that the purpose of the online correspondence is to escalate to a phone call and then possibly to an actual date. Don’t be an online chatty cathy.

It’s a waste of your time and energy to confront the online flakes with a nasty message. Just stop all contact and block their profiles. It’s easier that way.

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