The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

A Good Comment Worthy of a Longer Reply

A reader posted a comment in response to “Online Dating, A Short Primer”. It’s all about the approach of blocking the profiles of women who aren’t interested and show that lack of interest by not responding to a guy’s message or waiting too long (more than a week) to respond to that message.

And while I approved the comment, it didn’t display. [EDIT – it did display but I was looking in the wrong place. Doh!] No matter, here is the comment with my response after each paragraph.

Why block someone? That seems like an angry and immature act. And when do you decide she has “disappeared?” After she doesn’t respond in a week? A month?

Men are not women. While blocking a profile might seem angry and immature to you, it is actually reason and logic at work. It’s men working a consistent system. I advise no more than a week before giving up and blocking the profile. If a woman finds the guy attractive, she should be responding sooner. More than a week indicates lack of interest. It’s just that simple.

I have many, many guys who have been unresponsive or disappear. In fact, I think this is more common with males than with females. But I would never block them or take it personally. I just assume that they got busy or were not interested. If it’s odd, I’ll usually send them a funny email, perhaps with a multiple choice response form to try and figure out why the communication stopped. When they want to contact me they will, but if I’ve blocked them, they can’t! Many times guys who have “disappeared” will reappear and apologize. I won’t date them, but often we do reconnect as friends.

I have to say it again and again. Blocking a profile is not taking it personally to a guy, it’s simply being efficient. Once again, men are not women. As for the guys who have disappeared and reappeared, what is their reward? You put them in the FriendZone. There is a phrase for this type of guy: “average frustrated chump”. Most guys have lots of friends in real life and they are online dating, not online friending.

I’m someone who almost always responds because I want to be nice. If I’m not interested in dating, I let the guy know that, but some will want to continue to be pen-pals when I’m not interested in that. What should I say: “Leave me alone?” I usually don’t do that, but I do not respond quickly and I hope they come to realize that I’m not interested in being chatty. If need be, I tell them that I’d prefer to just be Facebook friends or let them know that I don’t have time to be pen-pals. Still, if I take awhile to respond, it is no reason to consider me a “vapor” or block me. I think that’s going too far.

Taking a long time to respond indicates two things:

1. She’s too busy to be dating, especially in real life. If she finds a guy attractive online yet can’t spare just a few moments to respond to his message, then her life is way too full and she needs to seriously re-evalute her priorities.

2. She’s a conscience or sub-conscience game player. “I can’t respond too quickly because he’ll think I’m desperate.” That’s just an emotional game. Ironic that so many woman have on their profiles, “no games”. Snort, chuckle, guffaw. In response to that, I advise guys to wait just as long to respond all the while working other profiles. She waits, she loses. If she’s over 45 and still playing those games? Double loss. Demographics and time are not working in her favor.

But it is gracious that you respond with a polite rejection. You are a tiny minority of women who do that.

It is certainly more polite to respond, but a lack of response should not be taken personally. Many times people are not even checking their email, but when they do check, if you’ve blocked someone, she won’t even be able to respond.

If people aren’t checking their messages regularly (as in daily) they are simply not serious about online dating and so blocking that profile separates the wheat from the chaff. This is why I will sometimes recommend a fee-based online dating website. If a woman is actually paying the monthly fee, she’s serious about online dating and is far more likely to be checking her emails and sending out her messages to guys. That also goes for the guys. If they are simply using the free website to idly troll the waters of single women, he’s simply not serious about finding a relationship. He’s likely looking for quick pick-ups and “casual dating”.

Anyway, you, of course, can block if you want, and she probably won’t even know it, but I think that is the immature behavior.

Immature to you, efficient and process-oriented to me. It’s a numbers game for men. As you are a never settle kind of lady, have you read the post on Emotional Pornography?


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4 thoughts on “A Good Comment Worthy of a Longer Reply

  1. Mr. Expert,

    Are you going to have a follow up post or article about this anytime soon? 🙂


  2. If Yvette decides to jump back into the fray, I’ll be all over it.

    I think Yvette chickened out.

    She’s the Marie Antoinette of dating.

  3. This kerfuffle was much ado about nothing.

    If a woman’s not interested, she has no right to ask that she be allowed to keep coming up in your online searches and suggestions. This is totally silly. Blocking is not a personal offense, it’s simply a way to make the process more efficient by weeding out people who have expressed their lack of interest.

    • DC Phil on said:

      I second the emotion with a woman who seems to be “too busy” to date. Indeed, in my year’s time with online dating, I’ve come across a handful of women who, in their profiles, say that they work in international development/NGOs, charitable institutions, government agencies, etc. that take them out of the DC area and sometimes out of the country for a few months at a time. “Then why bother to be on a dating site?”, I asked myself. Answer: attention-whoring — but only after the red pill made its way further down my gullet and I could start feeling the effects.

      On the same note, I’ve asked the same question of women who, on their profiles, state that they’d met a “wonderful guy,” yet who still have their profiles up. Uh-huh . . . double attention-whoring.

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