- Nice guy
- Good man
- Mysterious fellow
- Arrogant prick
- Confident dude
How a man is perceived is complex and confusing, especially for the man back on the dating scene. After digesting the emotional turmoil that is divorce – even if civil – the single guy is entering a new landscape. Gone are the days of the dinner and a movie date. Now there is online dating and “meetings” where reduced expectations are the new normal.
But the 40-something guy simply wants to meet his relationship goals. Perhaps he wants to be a Lothario and master the art and science of seduction. Maybe he just wants a woman to love again and her love for him is matched. Maybe he wants the “stayover” relationship where there is exclusivity but not cohabitation. All these goals are legitimate.
Our 40-something guy is not in his twenties. He’s smart enough to listen to his single female peers. When he takes in their words, he has haplessly wandered in the adjective minefield. It gets worse if he fires up some online dating and reads a few hundred dating profiles written by single women. I’ve read tens of thousands of such profiles and I know the patterns.
“Looking for a nice guy” is a frequent term used by the dames in their online dating profiles. I’ve covered this quite recently. The difficulty lies in understanding that actions and words diverge terribly when it comes to understanding how women deal with attraction and dating. Descriptors like “nice” and “good” are the socially expected words. Those are polite company words. Those are the words used at singles events where we actually have to communicate face to face.
Away from social expectations and well-meaning friends, a woman does what she wants. She’ll publicly and happily tell a friendly fellow that she has no problem dating shorter men. But when she puts her fingers on the keyboard to describe her preferences, out comes “you must be 5’11” or taller” in her online dating profile. Gentlemen, this is a feature in women, not a bug. Deal with it like an with it like an adult.
When reading the pick up artistry (PUA) literature, a man learns a whole new language and a completely new set of skills. “Aloof”, “cocky”, and “confident” become the new normal. These are not the words of his sister and his female friends who bestow well-meaning and socially accepted advice. Confusion swirls in his mind. Our man simply wants to be himself. He wants to be humble, decent, and good. But in his efforts to be such things, he dines alone and his online dating efforts come to naught.
Let’s bring in the whole concept of “be yourself”. New readers will be nodding in agreement. My seasoned readers will be slowly shaking their heads. If a man or woman is not meeting relationship goals, then “being yourself” simply won’t cut it. Coming through the divorce process is an opportunity to change. Yes, I said it, “change”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, regardless of age.
It’s time to sum up. Nice guys lose in the dating game. Supplication never wins for guys. Chivalry ain’t working it. Good guys might do better but they need to be aloof and mysterious. If it such characteristics don’t come naturally, men can learn. Women can re-learn femininity, as well. Being more attractive to the opposite sex can be learned.
This one is easy.
The dames completely loathe and despise nice guys. If a man is nice to a dame, she will instantly hate him. If she had a gun, she will kill him.
Actually, the word “loathe” isn’t strong enough. Give a dame a gun and she will murder a “nice guy” in a skinny minute. She will take that gun, point it towards his head and blow his brains out without hesitation. Then she will hit up some Tinder dick to hamster away her homicidal act because she’s so empowered. But if that Tinder guy is short, he’ll be on the low end of the “Fuck, Marry, Kill” game. Yes dears, men know this game. The ‘Net shows all.
Ladies, you hate nice guys. Please be honest about it. You ladies want a confident, cocky guy. If you want to kill off the nice guys, there are lots of guns available. Oh, and white knights should be the first to go. Thankfully, such guys will line up for the slaughter.
TRIGGER WARNING – There are some truths in this blog post that might cause offense (That warning inserted because irony)
In the effort to make us all feel good about ourselves, we tell each other very pretty lies to cover up the ugliest of truths. This is the conundrum of “polite company”. We seek to soothe, not to confront. When the merest whisper of confrontation surfaces with unpopular ideas, there are now some very politically correct ways to scream “shut up!” without actually screaming or saying the words “shut up”. Oh crap, I forgot to check my privilege. I am so sorry for causing “offense”. Regardless, I’m going to plow ahead.
The First Pretty Lie: “Accept yourself”
This is the prettiest of lies. It’s also a meaningless statement if a person, man or woman, seeks self-improvement in order to meet relationship goals. That phrase is actually damaging. If a person has accepted himself or herself then there is little motivation to adapt to Dating 2.0.
Self-acceptance results in too much personal stagnation. When relationship goals are not met, that’s incentive to cast off that self-acceptance and work on personal development. “Personal development” is the clever euphemism for “I suck at meeting my relationship goals and I have to change myself”. Hence, we have the dating coach industrial complex.
There are certain elements of life where acceptance is the only way. Consider the situation of the short man. Shoe lifts might help but he simply cannot grow taller. With the self-acceptance of his height, he can go on to improve his charisma and confidence. The ability of a human being to adapt and change is remarkable. Even after decades on this planet, a person can change himself or herself if the incentives are strong enough. Meeting relationship goals is a very strong incentive indeed. Did I mention the dating coach industrial complex? Actually, the whole life coach concept arose because traditional psychology hasn’t done particularly well. These types of coaches work to remove the cultural fog of the pretty lies.
There is a terrible social expectations that work directly against men and women working to improve their behaviors and personality to be more attractive to the opposite sex. Women are encouraged to appear more attractive physically but are actually dissuaded from working on their personalities so as to be more feminine. Worse, women are encouraged to be brassy, aggressive, and opinionated. That type of personality is hardly feminine and actually quite repellent to men with confidence and charisma.
Men are also encouraged to work on their appearance to be more physically attractive – though less than women – but are dissuaded from working on their personalities to be more masculine and therefore more attractive to women. Should a man work on his personality and communication skills to be more attractive, it’s somehow considered cheating or manipulative of women. So, men and women are strongly urged toward self-acceptance. The result is an unhealthy and static attraction and dating scene where relationship goal frustration is the norm.
The second pretty lie: “Love yourself”
Um, no. This pretty lie is simply an expression of the feelz over the realz. This lie is most often directed at women by well-meaning but hopelessly naive friends and advice-givers. Telling a woman to “love herself” should actually be considered a back-handed insult. Women tell each this lie because of feelings and not truth.
Similar to the lie of “accept yourself” some dissatisfaction with one’s self is necessary for growth and change in order to meet relationship goals. But loving oneself has some very unpleasant unintended consequences. For men, it’s insufferable arrogance and all the unpleasantness that goes along with that personality characteristic. For women, the unintended consequence is an insufferable entitlement complex. Such an attitude results in complete selfishness along with strong narcissism. A woman’s online dating profile manifests such an entitlement complex with long lists of requirements and the statement of “Don’t message me if…”.
The female ego run amok is terrible and terrifying thing. Younger men deal with this much more than men in my demographic. The stories. The stories of demanding, shrill, unpleasant young women are legion and frightening. To be sure, there are women over 40 years old who act like spoiled children and thankfully, those women are few and far between. “Love yourself” results in consequences divorced from actions along with a “I can do no wrong” mentality. When a woman “loves herself”, humility – a very attractive feminine quality – simply evaporates.
Pretty lies must be exposed so that the truth about attraction between the sexes can be revealed. With those truths revealed for all the see, it’s possible to engage in some meaningful personal development to increase attractiveness to the opposite sex. Let’s review some noble truths of attraction and dating:
- Men and women are different
- The masculine attracts the feminine
- The feminine attracts the masculine
Have I mentioned the dating coach industrial complex?
(H/T Heartiste for the phrase “Pretty Lies”)