Call It A Date, Dammit

One of the biggest mistakes a man makes after meeting a woman in real life is when he retreats on the nomenclature of dating. I’m often surprised that even the most confident of men refuse to call a date a “date”. Once a man has established and determined mutual attraction with a dame and he wants to see more of this woman, it’s his moral obligation to escalate to a real future date, not some other meeting where the two are simply hanging out together without any romantic expectations.

Here are some common phrases spoken by a man who is attempting to escalate to a date.  He is screwing things up with such phrases. My comments are in italics.

“We should get together sometime.”

Guys, the conditional “should” is weak and spineless and therefore unacceptable. As well, “get together” is meaningless. There is no expectation of romance.

“Let’s have drinks next week.”

This is better because it’s much more declarative. But where’s the romance? Imply romance, get romance. (Yeah, we know I am talking about, wink wink, nudge nudge)

“[Rock band] is playing next week, want to go?”

NO! I wrote about this.

“Are you free sometime?”

Never, ever end with a question. Confident men make statements and assume the date will already happen.

“Can I get your number?”

Again with the question…oy vey. Also, why would she give the phone number? She has no motivation because there is no future context such as a real date.

In my own life, my most recent date was secured by being firm with the nomenclature. I was out in the village walking my dog and I spied a blond sitting at the outside bar at a local restaurant. There was a vacant seat next to her. I sat down next to her and proceeded accordingly.  Laughs were had, drinks were shared, and a fine conversation occurred. Sure enough, there was quite a bit of mutual attraction.

At some point, I told blondie straight out “I’m really liking this, we’re going to have date.” I looked her straight in the eyes.

“We could hang out, that would be fun” she responded.

After all my practice and failing too many times, I knew the proper response here.

“No, we’re going to have a real date, I’ll take care of everything. It will be something simple.”

The blonde smiled. “OK, a date. I haven’t been on a real date in a long time.”

“That’s because most men don’t know how this works.” Yeah, that was my boasting and it sealed the deal.

Phone numbers were exchanged. Some texting happened before that date so as to avoid the flake factor. The actual date went smoothly and we had lots of fun. We’ve seen each other several times since then and we continue to enjoy each other’s company on real dates. Blondie now laughs comfortably when I tell her we’re going to have another date.

I certainly acknowledge that it puts a woman on the spot when a man sticks to his guns regarding the word “date”. I say good for the man who does this. The willingness to make a woman feel slightly uncomfortable is a major statement of masculine confidence. If she won’t go along with the “date” concept and only wants to get together in another context, the man shouldn’t accept that and simply stop trying for a date.

Regarding the post-divorce crowd, I’m surprised that there is so much resistance to using the correct vocabulary about dating. It’s understandable that we try to avoid romantic expectations because there is the risk of romantic rejection. But if either the man or the woman is unwilling to take that risk, that person is not ready for dating.

25 Comments

Post-Divorce Pickup Artistry For Men

To be honest, the type of advice I give to post-divorce men contains a few elements of Pickup Artistry (PUA). The attention PUA has received has recently increased significantly. PUA has received lots of criticism, mostly aimed at the PUA teachers and Manosphere blogs that target young men. As well, there are many businesses selling PUA “systems” where the marketing is simplistic to the point of ridiculousness. “Watch this video, get laid tonight” was the actual subject line of a PUA systems marketing email I once received. The whole Eliot Rodger tragedy was erroneously blamed on PUA because of his involvement with PUAHate.com, a website that is no longer online. For the woefully ignorant, “PUAHate” is against PUA. Facepalm, wow, just wow, I can’t even…

Another term related to PUA is “Game”. That word is relatively common in the part of the Manosphere where young men are found. As my audience is older with very different life experiences, I don’t anymore use the word Game and I avoid the term PUA. But it would be disingenous of me to claim I’m not advising elements of PUA and Game. Traditional Game and PUA for young men focuses a great deal on “closing”. The close can be getting a phone number, a passionate kiss, or a sexual encounter. That’s the traditional approach. Game and PUA has evolved quite a bit since the days of Mystery and David DeAngelo. The current approach is to teach masculine self-improvement, amongst other things.

Such self-improvement applies to men of all ages. I do urge my male readers to investigate the masculine self-improvement Manosphere blogs which cater to the under-30 demographic of men. Unfortunately, it might take a bit of digging because the Manosphere is not categorized well enough to steer my readers precisely. However, I open the comments to anyone who wants to make a recommendation. When making a recommendation for a particular blog, even your own blog, please include the URL; a description of that blog; and the demographics of the blog’s readership.

What I’ve observed in the typical post-divorce man is a distinct lack of self-improvement effort. I understand that it takes time and effort. Fortunately, such improvements work to significantly increase a man’s confidence. Such confidence  is a vital foundation for building up social skills and then adding the PUA skills. Combining the social skills with the PUA skills yields a man’s Charisma, the most important part of being attractive to the fairer sex. I’ve written about it previously. But this must be noted often: A man’s self-improvement must be about him, not just trying to attract dames. Guys, beware the Sodini effect.

A post-divorce man with confidence and charisma really doesn’t need too much in the way of PUA tactics. He does, however, need the ability to read a woman’s mood during the course of a hopefully flirtatious conversation. He also needs the willingness to approach women and to know the right context in which to do so. “PUA” for these guys is about situational awareness and adjusting accordingly, not a set of pre-produced routine tactics sold as a seduction “system”.

7 Comments

Just Who Is This Wiggler?

I got a fine, politically correct email where the sender takes some umbrage at one of my recent blog posts. I enjoy such umbrage because it gives me a nice, juicy blog post to write. I’m grateful to the politically correct shitlord for helping me wend away a fine Friday night. Tourist season has ended here so there ain’t no lady tourists to flirt with. Even my dog is bored.

The format of my fisking is thusly – the paragraphs of the original email are in italics, my responses are in bold. Naturally, I will not reveal the original email address to protect the identity of the foolish, ignorant, and naive.  Should I give some sort of trigger warning for the faint of heart and slender of intellect? Nah, just keep reading.

This article is simply not ok.

Eh, bad start. In my opinion, this article is completely awesome. A big part of Red Pill wisdom is acknowledging the horrible conventional wisdom that dispenses psychologically damaging advice regarding attraction and dating. In my writing here, I do a fine job of dealing with yet another pretty lie we tell each because of social expectations and culturally cancerous political correctness. Note to readers: political ideology is ruining the quest for meeting relationship goals.

You want women to “show some damned humility” and not display the “masculine” characteristic of confidence, nitpicking even the very words you think women should be allowed to use to describe themselves so that males will be more attracted to them–because you believe women ought to be more docile and submissive, traits that you believe will fulfill a male’s “relationship goals”. Inherent here is the implication that women are designed to submit to men, and thus are not equal–textbook misogyny.

Oh… I’m a big, bad misogynist! Let me scuttle home with my wounded soul tucked between my legs! Hey Poindexter, here’s a basic biological fact that ideology will never, ever be swept away through shame or bullshit social expectations: Men and women are different. We are different physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially. These are natural behaviors based on sex and DNA. We are so different that it’s amazing how we managed to populate this planet with several billion human beings.

Here’s something else, words have connotations which also cannot be swept away. Frankly, the English language completely fails to express the proper words with the effective connotations in this context. So, here’s how I will refine your ham-fisted attempts at framing the debate. In the context of attraction and dating, the man takes the lead. If the woman has a problem with that, she can simply rebuff the fellow’s advances, no harm, no foul. But here’s a dirty little secret, women adore the masculine confidence of a man approaching, being attractive, and leading the very rewarding art of the natural courtship dance.

Let’s stop acting like human qualities such as confidence are gendered. Let’s stop pretending confidence is for men while humility is for women, let’s stop pretending that certain words should only be associated with certain sexes. Let’s wake up to the fact that humans are humans regardless of gender, and both genders are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities. Both confidence and humility are good qualities that good people possess. People. Period.

English words, including adjectives and adverbs, are either directly or indirectly assigned to a person’s sex. Pronouns are clearly feminine and masculine. Adjectives and adverbs have common usage applied to a person’s particular sex.  Given the vast differences between the sexes, your assertion that both are “are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities” is simply wrong. Acknowledging, accepting, and embracing those differences make it far easier and far more fulfilling for the men and women seeking to meet relationship goals. The dating coach industrial complex is a profoundly important social trend and really reveals attraction truths. When it comes to attraction between the sexes, humility is on the feminine side of the spectrum, confidence is on the masculine side of the spectrum. Fight that at your peril because you will lose. But have fun while you try.

The fact that you believe a woman’s confidence works against a man’s feeling needed is…ludicrous. A woman’s confidence is her own and if a man feels threatened by it, he ought to reevaluate his own insecurity, because it’s incredibly childish to believe that another individual’s confidence with their own, personal self will emasculate him. That’s like saying because your girlfriend is eating an ice cream bar, she’s preventing you from eating one too. You’re effectively saying that as a man you need to have all the ice cream and any ice cream she gets should come from your hand because it’s your job as a chivalrous male to give it to her or withhold it as you please, right? Let’s stop being a baby and understand that both partners can have their own ice cream and enjoy it together.

Oh lordy, here comes the usual “threatened, insecure man” trope. Lay off the attempted shame, it’s beneath you and completely ineffective when arguing in this space. The readers here simply laugh that away because they are older and wiser. Readers in this space, the Manosphere, want truths. You are not dealing in truths, you are dealing in unrealistic and damaging social expectations.  Oh, and just using the word “emasculate” the way you did is ludicrous and also ineffective.  Really? Wow, just wow. I can’t even.

Women are just as entitled to confidence as men, in both the public and romantic spheres, and don’t exist to submit themselves to the whims of your dick. Your sense of what a relationship is and ought to be is very warped and seems to be based on some fantasy of a valiant knight protecting some helpless damsel, when in reality a relationship is two people enjoying ice cream together on equal terms.

Shit, I loathe chivalrous white knights as much as you. I deal in realistic and successful attraction and dating advice for the post-divorce crowd. A doormat dude supplicating himself to a woman’s endless needs kills a woman’s attraction and respect for that guy. Most men are ignorant of this. Just ask the fellow over at Bring Chivalry Back. He’s swimming up the cultural and biological Mississippi river with no arms, no legs, no life jacket, and a lead weight tied around his waist. Also, enough with the word “equal”. What part of “men and women are different” don’t you understand? Oh, wait, all of it. Time to move on.

Instead of demanding that women humble themselves before men, please realize that the fact that you feel women need to do this in order for men to feel good about themselves speaks of incredible insecurity. Effectively, you’re asking for a more abject woman so that you can feel in control, which is not healthy whatsoever and is actually a dangerous complex.

Let’s review some shaming code words aimed at men: Insecure, immature, intimidated, threatened, etc. These words simply don’t work on confident and charismatic men. Water, meet duck’s back. Oh, and “control” is another code word aimed at men. It can be translated as “do a woman’s bidding” so you can receive some affection. Here’s another dirty little biological secret in primates like us human. Relationships between the sexes is transactional. Don’t like it? Offended? That’s your problem and yours only.

You claim that women “humbling themselves” before men will evoke their protective instinct, but what women really need protection from is this kind of misogyny.

Careful, you’re invoking protection , the ultimate female privilege. Bad ideas! Bad words! Protect the dames! PROTECT THE DAMES AT ALL COSTS! Hypocrisy much?

I’ll end with this: While you claim a confident woman is good only for a few dates and sex, if this is the kind of thing you truly believe then you aren’t even good for that. Show some damned humility, already.

In closing, and after being marginally entertained by writing this blog post, I sum up with these words: Go fuck yourself you simpering, politically correct stooge. You know nothing of the realities of honest attraction and dating. Start a dating coach business, you’ll be bankrupt in moments. Also, go be humble on your own time. The readers here have more important things to do and humility is not scheduled.

 

6 Comments

The Mine Field Of Adjectives

  • Nice guy
  • Good man
  • Mysterious fellow
  • Arrogant prick
  • Confident dude

How a man is perceived is complex and confusing, especially for the man back on the dating scene. After digesting the emotional turmoil that is divorce – even if civil – the single guy is entering a new landscape. Gone are the days of the dinner and a movie date. Now there is online dating and “meetings” where reduced expectations are the new normal.

But the 40-something guy simply wants to meet his relationship goals. Perhaps he wants to be a Lothario and master the art and science of seduction. Maybe he just wants a woman to love again and her love for him is matched. Maybe he wants the “stayover” relationship where there is exclusivity but not cohabitation. All these goals are legitimate.

Our 40-something guy is not in his twenties. He’s smart enough to listen to his single female peers. When he takes in their words, he has haplessly wandered in the adjective minefield. It gets worse if he fires up some online dating and reads a few hundred dating profiles written by single women. I’ve read tens of thousands of such profiles and I know the patterns.

“Looking for a nice guy” is a frequent term used by the dames in their online dating profiles. I’ve covered this quite recently. The difficulty lies in understanding that actions and words diverge terribly when it comes to understanding how women deal with attraction and dating. Descriptors like “nice” and “good” are the socially expected words. Those are polite company words. Those are the words used at singles events where we actually have to communicate face to face.

Away from social expectations and well-meaning friends, a woman does what she wants. She’ll publicly and happily tell a friendly fellow that she has no problem dating shorter men. But when she puts her fingers on the keyboard to describe her preferences, out comes “you must be 5’11” or taller” in her online dating profile. Gentlemen, this is a feature in women, not a bug. Deal with it like an with it like an adult.

When reading the pick up artistry (PUA) literature, a man learns a whole new language and a completely new set of skills. “Aloof”, “cocky”, and “confident” become the new normal. These are not the words of his sister and his female friends who bestow well-meaning and socially accepted advice.  Confusion swirls in his mind. Our man simply wants to be himself. He wants to be humble, decent, and good. But in his efforts to be such things, he dines alone and his online dating efforts come to naught.

Let’s bring in the whole concept of “be yourself”. New readers will be nodding in agreement. My seasoned readers will be slowly shaking their heads. If a man or woman is not meeting relationship goals, then “being yourself” simply won’t cut it. Coming through the divorce process is an opportunity to change. Yes, I said it, “change”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, regardless of age.

It’s time to sum up. Nice guys lose in the dating game. Supplication never wins for guys. Chivalry ain’t working it. Good guys might do better but they need to be aloof and mysterious. If it such characteristics don’t come naturally, men can learn. Women can re-learn femininity, as well. Being more attractive to the opposite sex can be learned.

4 Comments

Pretty Lie Nuked – Nice Guys

This one is easy.

The dames completely loathe and despise nice guys. If a man is nice to a dame, she will instantly hate him. If she had a gun, she will kill him.

Actually, the word “loathe” isn’t strong enough. Give a dame a gun and she will murder a “nice guy” in a skinny minute.  She will take that gun, point it towards his head and blow his brains out without hesitation. Then she will hit up some Tinder dick to hamster away her homicidal act because she’s so empowered. But if that Tinder  guy is short, he’ll be on the low end of the “Fuck, Marry, Kill” game. Yes dears, men know this game. The ‘Net shows all.

Ladies, you hate nice guys. Please be honest about it. You ladies want a confident, cocky guy. If you want to kill off the nice guys, there are lots of guns available. Oh, and white knights should be the first to go. Thankfully, such guys will line up for the slaughter.

19 Comments

Another Pretty Lie Is Slain

 

As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

11 Comments

Two Pretty Lies Addressed

TRIGGER WARNING – There are some truths in this blog post that might cause offense (That warning inserted because irony)

In the effort to make us all feel good about ourselves, we tell each other very pretty lies to cover up the ugliest of truths. This is the conundrum of “polite company”. We seek to soothe, not to confront. When the merest whisper of confrontation surfaces with unpopular ideas, there are now some very politically correct ways to scream “shut up!” without actually screaming or saying the words “shut up”. Oh crap, I forgot to check my privilege. I am so sorry for causing “offense”. Regardless, I’m going to plow ahead.

The First Pretty Lie: “Accept yourself”

This is the prettiest of lies. It’s also a meaningless statement if a person, man or woman, seeks self-improvement in order to meet relationship goals. That phrase is actually damaging. If a person has accepted himself or herself then there is little motivation to adapt to Dating 2.0.

Self-acceptance results in too much personal stagnation. When relationship goals are not met, that’s incentive to cast off that self-acceptance and work on personal development. “Personal development” is the clever euphemism for “I suck at meeting my relationship goals and I have to change myself”. Hence, we have the dating coach industrial complex.

There are certain elements of life where acceptance is the only way. Consider the situation of the short man. Shoe lifts might help but he simply cannot grow taller. With the self-acceptance of his height, he can go on to improve his charisma and confidence. The ability of a human being to adapt and change is remarkable. Even after decades on this planet, a person can change himself or herself if the incentives are strong enough. Meeting relationship goals is a very strong incentive indeed. Did I mention the dating coach industrial complex? Actually, the whole life coach concept arose because traditional psychology hasn’t done particularly well. These types of coaches work to remove the cultural fog of the pretty lies.

There is a terrible social expectations that work directly against men and women working to improve their behaviors and personality to be more attractive to the opposite sex. Women are encouraged to appear more attractive physically but are actually dissuaded from working on their personalities so as to be more feminine. Worse, women are encouraged to be brassy, aggressive, and opinionated. That type of personality is hardly feminine and actually quite repellent to men with confidence and charisma.

Men are also encouraged to work on their appearance to be more physically attractive – though less than women – but are dissuaded from working on their personalities to be more masculine and therefore more attractive to women. Should a man work on his personality and communication skills to be more attractive, it’s somehow considered cheating or manipulative of women. So, men and women are strongly urged toward self-acceptance. The result is an unhealthy and static attraction and dating scene where relationship goal frustration is the norm.
The second pretty lie: “Love yourself”

Um, no. This pretty lie is simply an expression of the feelz over the realz. This lie is most often directed at women by well-meaning but hopelessly naive friends and advice-givers. Telling a woman to “love herself” should actually be considered a back-handed insult. Women tell each this lie because of feelings and not truth.

Similar to the lie of “accept yourself” some dissatisfaction with one’s self is necessary for growth and change in order to meet relationship goals. But loving oneself has some very unpleasant unintended consequences. For men, it’s insufferable arrogance and all the unpleasantness that goes along with that personality characteristic. For women, the unintended consequence is an insufferable entitlement complex. Such an attitude results in complete selfishness along with strong narcissism. A woman’s online dating profile manifests such an entitlement complex with long lists of requirements and the statement of “Don’t message me if…”.

The female ego run amok is terrible and terrifying thing. Younger men deal with this much more than men in my demographic. The stories. The stories of demanding, shrill, unpleasant young women are legion and frightening. To be sure, there are women over 40 years old who act like spoiled children and thankfully, those women are few and far between. “Love yourself” results in consequences divorced from actions along with a “I can do no wrong” mentality. When a woman “loves herself”, humility – a very attractive feminine quality – simply evaporates.

Pretty lies must be exposed so that the truth about attraction between the sexes can be revealed. With those truths revealed for all the see, it’s possible to engage in some meaningful personal development to increase attractiveness to the opposite sex. Let’s review some noble truths of attraction and dating:

  • Men and women are different
  • The masculine attracts the feminine
  • The feminine attracts the masculine

Have I mentioned the dating coach industrial complex?

(H/T Heartiste for the phrase “Pretty Lies”)

6 Comments

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,264 other followers