Some Realities About Attraction And Dating

Ross Jeffries is a seduction educator from way back. His first book on seduction was published over 20 years ago. He had a great quote that I heard on an archived talk show from 1992. When he was asked “What do women really want?” his response was rather brutal.

“I don’t care what they want.”

Before the audience could respond, he continued.

“I only care what women respond to.”

This is the solid crux of the matter. It is the heart of the Red Pill world view in the context of attraction and dating. It is what men of all ages must accept and internalize. There’s a blizzard of words where women claim what they want. Fair enough, but social expectations and polite company compel women to say what they are expected to say. Men must know this if they are to have good dating experiences. The rest of the TV segment is entertaining.

Some more of his wisdom:

“There is what women say they want.

There is what women think they want.

There is what women respond to.

Which one do you think matters?”

This is rather cold stuff but it’s ultimately true. The truth of this is on display in the online dating profiles of women. I’ve read thousands upon thousands of such profiles and the vast majority are not exactly riveting. Fortunately, there are consistent patterns in these profiles. Here is a typical statement in a woman’s profile:

“I’m looking for a decent, honorable guy because I’m tired of dating jerks.”

This is a perfectly reasonable request. Yet between the lines it’s easy to see how the actions and words are not in synchronization. The desire for a decent, honorable guy is what she says wants and what she thinks she wants. But how is it that she keeps dating jerks? Those are her actions in real life and that’s the fundamentally truth. She reacts positively to the type of guys she perceives – retroactively – as jerks. Why are they jerks? It’s very likely that these were attractive men simply exercising their options regarding women. When it comes to attraction, no one wants to be just an option. This is a feature of our species, not a bug.

I render absolutely no judgments on either the woman or the men she’s dated in the past. This is simply the reality regarding attraction and dating. No amount of social expectations or shame can change this reality. Men and women will do what they want even while acknowledging (with words) the problems of the current attraction and dating landscape. Rather than wasting energy of trying to change the world, both men and women can make personal adjustments to better adapt so that relationship goals can be met.

My blog and many other Manosphere blogs encourage masculine self-improvement that goes way beyond the pickup artist systems marketed by thinly veiled hucksters. I focus more on charisma, confidence, competence, and leadership. But some of my blog peers focus on physical self-improvement. Others make masculine fashion the central theme of the blog. The nice side effect of such masculine improvement is that a man becomes more attractive to more women. Note that I said this is a side effect, not the primary goal of self-improvement.

There are far more resources available for women looking to meet their relationship goals. In previous blog posts, I’ve already mentioned the dating coach industrial complex. There are also hundreds of self-help books for women that address attraction and dating. I’ve also had some advice for women. The dating exercise for women  is one of my best blog posts for women. I’ve also got some good stuff at Red Pill Dating blog.

If a man comes to me for advice and I can only give him one sentence, it would be “To learn about women, always look to their actions before accepting their words.” Ross Jeffries knew this and broadcast it back in the day. I’m sure my commenters will bring up far more ancient and similar wisdom. I welcome that. Human beings are remarkably predictable regarding the behaviors of attraction and courtship. Generalizing is not a bad thing in this context because we’re all not actually special snowflakes. To willfully ignore those patterns is the fast track to relationship goal failure and general dating frustration.

OK, time for the comments – “I’m not like that” or “I know someone who isn’t like that.” See, I told you that people are predictable!

10 Comments

Getting Old… It’s Going To Be Epic! (Repost)

Living in South Florida means being around lots and lots of retirees. Thankfully, most of them don’t drive during rush hour. If they did, I’d be dead. Motorcycles and older drivers are a poor fit. Instead, there’s a loud bell at 10AM and the gates of all the local retirement communities open and a vast armada of Buicks slowly rolls out, at trolling speed. At 4PM, another bell rings and the Buicks return. As I am firmly middle-aged, my senior years are most definitely on the horizon. I can’t wait.

Being a senior citizen grants certain privileges. My young colleague pointed this out today. He spent the weekend with his parents who have recently moved to a retirement community. “Old people do weird shit” was his observation. This is exactly why I’m looking forward to being a codger. Why do old people do weird shit?

Because they can, dammit!

Here’s a partial list of things I intend to do when the excuse of old age allows me:

  • Grab my crotch and give the finger to random neighbors
  • Wave my cane around menacingly
  • Criticize everyone and everything
  • Refuse to clean up after my dog (my dog will be old and crotchety, too)
  • Open stuff at the grocery store for a quick snack and put it back on the shelf
  • Tell stories about me that didn’t actually happen
  • Pants up to my navel
  • Socks and sandals
  • Tell wildly inappropriate jokes (racist and sexist, both)
  • Loud flatulence in public
  • Mutter, mutter, mutter…
  • Buick, slowly, no lane discipline
  • Quote Rush Limbaugh
  • Pay in coins when there are at least six people in line behind me
  • Slow jaywalking as a hobby
  • “Damned kids these days!”
  • Old man smell (does that come in a bottle? I sure hope so!)
  • Attend town council meetings, rail about taxes and refuse to shut up
  • Block pedestrians on sidewalks with a slow and unsteady gait
  • Loudly demand senior discounts at convenience stores
  • Hearing aid buzz (“What? WHAT?! Speak up, dammit!”)
  • F-bomb becomes F-machine gun
  • Vote often and selfishly (“We don’t need no fucking bond issue for those fucking crappy schools, anyway!”)
  • Pretend to be confused by technology and obnoxiously pester younger people to help
  • Incredibly graphic descriptions of disgusting health problems
  • Scourge of the local senior center
  • Dentures, hand puppet, hilarity

Y’all get the idea, I’m sure. Feel free to add more.

13 Comments

Remember Danny From 504?

“Editor’s” Note: Danny has pretty much given up blogging on his primary website. That’s his choice and I respect it. But his life has moved on. Gone is his military career – he retired at 40 – and a new career, after vocational school, will soon begin. But in the meantime, his life is interesting and I’ve agreed to post some things of his. This is his post. I’ve not corrected or edited anything. It’s copypasta at his request.

it’s been a while since i thought about writing something. to be honest, i really didn’t have anything to write about. well that’s officially changed.i got a job.i placed applications at damn near every place that has radiology. i STILL haven’t gotten a call back and when i call they refer me to HR. so i placed applications at every restaurant within 15 minutes of my house. 2 places called back. long story short, i’m now a kitchen guy at hooters. yes, hooters. they let the fox into the chicken coop. been there about 2 weeks. and let me tell you, it’s been fucking interesting. for now, i can really only do dishes, but that means i ALWAYS have the girls coming up to me.first, one of the girls came to the back and made a smart ass comment, a shit test. i called her out and told her she was on planet danny, and on planet danny i’m the sun and she’s the moon, and moon revolves around the sun. she laughed it off and gave me a, “yeah, ok.” and walked away. the next day she came in about an hour into the shift and asks me, “so i’m the moon and you’re the earth?” i laughed and told her i was the SUN. now when she comes in and drops off shit for me to wash i tell her, “thank you my moon.” and she answers with, “of course my sun.” tonight i got her number and going for drinks wednesday. she’s easily a 7.

i have a large rack above me to the right that the girls put cups in. when the racks are full, i wash them. when they’re done, i stack them to my left for the girls to take back out. i think it was day 2 or 3 that a girls came in and placed cups in the rack and said, “we always have cups.”. i told her they weren’t cups, they’re  love. i pointed to girls rack above me and told her that the girls love me, then pointed to my stacked cups and told her that i love the girls back. she laughed and walked out. same girl was placing cups in the rack and was standing very close to me; she’s about 5’8″. i turned my head to the right to grab shit and i got a face full of tit. i backed away and apologized- she was laughing. i told her “thank you” while making a voice like my face was buried in there still.

the girls HATE getting wet, and i have the hose. the girls know if they stay in my section too long they may just end up getting a little water on them. so they unload their shit as quickly as they can and hurry away. i now know how to cause just enough spray to get a little on them. when i do they squeal and talk shit. i give them a side glance and point the hose right at them. they yell playfully and run out the kitchen.

and then there’s the best part about being in the wash station. when the girls come in and leave for the night, they change in a corner behind me. well, when we close, and they’re rushing to get out, they change out of their shorts and shirts in front of me. one new girl asked why they change with me the there and one girl said dismissively, “he works here, he doesn’t doesn’t count.” then one girl called my name, i looked ad she was standing there without her shirt and asked me if i liked her bra. i laughed and told her if she kept it up she’d end up pregnant. all the girls laughed.

the other night, while the girls were changing to go home, a girl mentioned, “i finally got my clit pierced. i love it.” this led to a brief conversation about best sexual positions for clit piercing, which led to favorite sexual positions. and it wasn’t a conversation that was had in a hushed tone. they were VERY vociferous about it.

they just hired a new girl- solid 8. when we were starting the shift she was pretty chatty with me. i don’t know her, so i said little more than to answer her questions. as the shift went on, every time she came to the back, she’d stare me down for a good 4-5 seconds. prolonged eye contact- classic IOI. as we were closing one of the kitchen guys told me that girl liked me. i told him i knew. he looked at me weird and i explained the eye contact shit.

he laughed. this guy is banging the hottest girl in the kitchen (she’s WAAAAAAAAAAY too young for me). but i call his chick my little mermaid. she LOVES it.

my girl was changing and i told her we needed to hang out we have a day off. i copped her number and we did a little text flirting after i got home. and let me tell you, the girls at work are 7’s MINIMUM.

they feed me free food, give me a beer after shift, and i get paid to neg 7’s+. and if you don’t neg the girls, you’ll get rolled by them. i LOVE this job.

stay up.

16 Comments

If My Traditionalist Readers Only Knew…

I have a wonderful and diverse group of readers. They hail from all over the world and cover many different political and social outlooks. There is a group of readers who are firmly in the traditionalist, socially conservative, religious camp. Several times over my past years of blogging I have been called a tradtionalist, at least in regards to attraction and dating.

I’m not going to take umbrage at being called a traditionalist. It’s just a label assigned by commenters and to them, I do fit into a traditionalist mold. This is because I advise that women and men follow some basic guidelines regarding dating. Such guidelines do bear a passing resemblance to a few historical dating and courtship rituals. The similarities are merely passing. The biggest similarity between historic dating – prior to the sexual revolution – and what I advise is the process of dating. Yes, having a dating process isn’t particularly romantic.

My dating advice is updated to reflect social and technological changes. The technological changes are quite obvious with online dating and texting taking the lead. Tinder is sweeping through the pre-married crowd and may seriously impact the post-divorce demographic. I’m keeping an eye on it. The biggest social change is the financial independence of women. Gone are big, expensive, chivalrous dates. Shorter, casual, and inexpensive dates are the new dating normal. Meetup.com singles groups are a good combination of technology and social change. Singles in roughly the same age demographic can join a Meetup group online and then attend the actual events.

One of the biggest social changes is access to the raw truths about attraction. Men are using the Internet to learn about how attraction works and what they can do to increase their attractiveness. Quite a few men have sent me emails asking for advice or just wanting a sympathetic ear to hear their stories. Women are more likely to seek out a dating coach, either in real life or digitally. Attraction and dating blogs for men and dating coaches for women provide the same type of truths. Blogs for men are as diplomatic as a sledge hammer. Dating coaches for women cover that sledgehammer with lots and lots of softening diplomacy.

The women I’ve been involved with in the past would likely laugh out loud at the traditionalist label I have acquired. As The Private Man, I don’t reveal too much in the way of personal information. I will say that I don’t live a traditional life outside of dating. Discretion prevents me from going further. Women from my past would politely refer to me as a libertine without any shame. There are quite a few impolite adjectives that would be applied to me, as well. I’m taking so many secrets to my grave, my funeral will require two coffins.

12 Comments

Call It A Date, Dammit

One of the biggest mistakes a man makes after meeting a woman in real life is when he retreats on the nomenclature of dating. I’m often surprised that even the most confident of men refuse to call a date a “date”. Once a man has established and determined mutual attraction with a dame and he wants to see more of this woman, it’s his moral obligation to escalate to a real future date, not some other meeting where the two are simply hanging out together without any romantic expectations.

Here are some common phrases spoken by a man who is attempting to escalate to a date.  He is screwing things up with such phrases. My comments are in italics.

“We should get together sometime.”

Guys, the conditional “should” is weak and spineless and therefore unacceptable. As well, “get together” is meaningless. There is no expectation of romance.

“Let’s have drinks next week.”

This is better because it’s much more declarative. But where’s the romance? Imply romance, get romance. (Yeah, we know I am talking about, wink wink, nudge nudge)

“[Rock band] is playing next week, want to go?”

NO! I wrote about this.

“Are you free sometime?”

Never, ever end with a question. Confident men make statements and assume the date will already happen.

“Can I get your number?”

Again with the question…oy vey. Also, why would she give the phone number? She has no motivation because there is no future context such as a real date.

In my own life, my most recent date was secured by being firm with the nomenclature. I was out in the village walking my dog and I spied a blond sitting at the outside bar at a local restaurant. There was a vacant seat next to her. I sat down next to her and proceeded accordingly.  Laughs were had, drinks were shared, and a fine conversation occurred. Sure enough, there was quite a bit of mutual attraction.

At some point, I told blondie straight out “I’m really liking this, we’re going to have date.” I looked her straight in the eyes.

“We could hang out, that would be fun” she responded.

After all my practice and failing too many times, I knew the proper response here.

“No, we’re going to have a real date, I’ll take care of everything. It will be something simple.”

The blonde smiled. “OK, a date. I haven’t been on a real date in a long time.”

“That’s because most men don’t know how this works.” Yeah, that was my boasting and it sealed the deal.

Phone numbers were exchanged. Some texting happened before that date so as to avoid the flake factor. The actual date went smoothly and we had lots of fun. We’ve seen each other several times since then and we continue to enjoy each other’s company on real dates. Blondie now laughs comfortably when I tell her we’re going to have another date.

I certainly acknowledge that it puts a woman on the spot when a man sticks to his guns regarding the word “date”. I say good for the man who does this. The willingness to make a woman feel slightly uncomfortable is a major statement of masculine confidence. If she won’t go along with the “date” concept and only wants to get together in another context, the man shouldn’t accept that and simply stop trying for a date.

Regarding the post-divorce crowd, I’m surprised that there is so much resistance to using the correct vocabulary about dating. It’s understandable that we try to avoid romantic expectations because there is the risk of romantic rejection. But if either the man or the woman is unwilling to take that risk, that person is not ready for dating.

25 Comments

Post-Divorce Pickup Artistry For Men

To be honest, the type of advice I give to post-divorce men contains a few elements of Pickup Artistry (PUA). The attention PUA has received has recently increased significantly. PUA has received lots of criticism, mostly aimed at the PUA teachers and Manosphere blogs that target young men. As well, there are many businesses selling PUA “systems” where the marketing is simplistic to the point of ridiculousness. “Watch this video, get laid tonight” was the actual subject line of a PUA systems marketing email I once received. The whole Eliot Rodger tragedy was erroneously blamed on PUA because of his involvement with PUAHate.com, a website that is no longer online. For the woefully ignorant, “PUAHate” is against PUA. Facepalm, wow, just wow, I can’t even…

Another term related to PUA is “Game”. That word is relatively common in the part of the Manosphere where young men are found. As my audience is older with very different life experiences, I don’t anymore use the word Game and I avoid the term PUA. But it would be disingenous of me to claim I’m not advising elements of PUA and Game. Traditional Game and PUA for young men focuses a great deal on “closing”. The close can be getting a phone number, a passionate kiss, or a sexual encounter. That’s the traditional approach. Game and PUA has evolved quite a bit since the days of Mystery and David DeAngelo. The current approach is to teach masculine self-improvement, amongst other things.

Such self-improvement applies to men of all ages. I do urge my male readers to investigate the masculine self-improvement Manosphere blogs which cater to the under-30 demographic of men. Unfortunately, it might take a bit of digging because the Manosphere is not categorized well enough to steer my readers precisely. However, I open the comments to anyone who wants to make a recommendation. When making a recommendation for a particular blog, even your own blog, please include the URL; a description of that blog; and the demographics of the blog’s readership.

What I’ve observed in the typical post-divorce man is a distinct lack of self-improvement effort. I understand that it takes time and effort. Fortunately, such improvements work to significantly increase a man’s confidence. Such confidence  is a vital foundation for building up social skills and then adding the PUA skills. Combining the social skills with the PUA skills yields a man’s Charisma, the most important part of being attractive to the fairer sex. I’ve written about it previously. But this must be noted often: A man’s self-improvement must be about him, not just trying to attract dames. Guys, beware the Sodini effect.

A post-divorce man with confidence and charisma really doesn’t need too much in the way of PUA tactics. He does, however, need the ability to read a woman’s mood during the course of a hopefully flirtatious conversation. He also needs the willingness to approach women and to know the right context in which to do so. “PUA” for these guys is about situational awareness and adjusting accordingly, not a set of pre-produced routine tactics sold as a seduction “system”.

7 Comments

Just Who Is This Wiggler?

I got a fine, politically correct email where the sender takes some umbrage at one of my recent blog posts. I enjoy such umbrage because it gives me a nice, juicy blog post to write. I’m grateful to the politically correct shitlord for helping me wend away a fine Friday night. Tourist season has ended here so there ain’t no lady tourists to flirt with. Even my dog is bored.

The format of my fisking is thusly – the paragraphs of the original email are in italics, my responses are in bold. Naturally, I will not reveal the original email address to protect the identity of the foolish, ignorant, and naive.  Should I give some sort of trigger warning for the faint of heart and slender of intellect? Nah, just keep reading.

This article is simply not ok.

Eh, bad start. In my opinion, this article is completely awesome. A big part of Red Pill wisdom is acknowledging the horrible conventional wisdom that dispenses psychologically damaging advice regarding attraction and dating. In my writing here, I do a fine job of dealing with yet another pretty lie we tell each because of social expectations and culturally cancerous political correctness. Note to readers: political ideology is ruining the quest for meeting relationship goals.

You want women to “show some damned humility” and not display the “masculine” characteristic of confidence, nitpicking even the very words you think women should be allowed to use to describe themselves so that males will be more attracted to them–because you believe women ought to be more docile and submissive, traits that you believe will fulfill a male’s “relationship goals”. Inherent here is the implication that women are designed to submit to men, and thus are not equal–textbook misogyny.

Oh… I’m a big, bad misogynist! Let me scuttle home with my wounded soul tucked between my legs! Hey Poindexter, here’s a basic biological fact that ideology will never, ever be swept away through shame or bullshit social expectations: Men and women are different. We are different physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially. These are natural behaviors based on sex and DNA. We are so different that it’s amazing how we managed to populate this planet with several billion human beings.

Here’s something else, words have connotations which also cannot be swept away. Frankly, the English language completely fails to express the proper words with the effective connotations in this context. So, here’s how I will refine your ham-fisted attempts at framing the debate. In the context of attraction and dating, the man takes the lead. If the woman has a problem with that, she can simply rebuff the fellow’s advances, no harm, no foul. But here’s a dirty little secret, women adore the masculine confidence of a man approaching, being attractive, and leading the very rewarding art of the natural courtship dance.

Let’s stop acting like human qualities such as confidence are gendered. Let’s stop pretending confidence is for men while humility is for women, let’s stop pretending that certain words should only be associated with certain sexes. Let’s wake up to the fact that humans are humans regardless of gender, and both genders are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities. Both confidence and humility are good qualities that good people possess. People. Period.

English words, including adjectives and adverbs, are either directly or indirectly assigned to a person’s sex. Pronouns are clearly feminine and masculine. Adjectives and adverbs have common usage applied to a person’s particular sex.  Given the vast differences between the sexes, your assertion that both are “are equally capable of the same emotions, the same wants, the same qualities” is simply wrong. Acknowledging, accepting, and embracing those differences make it far easier and far more fulfilling for the men and women seeking to meet relationship goals. The dating coach industrial complex is a profoundly important social trend and really reveals attraction truths. When it comes to attraction between the sexes, humility is on the feminine side of the spectrum, confidence is on the masculine side of the spectrum. Fight that at your peril because you will lose. But have fun while you try.

The fact that you believe a woman’s confidence works against a man’s feeling needed is…ludicrous. A woman’s confidence is her own and if a man feels threatened by it, he ought to reevaluate his own insecurity, because it’s incredibly childish to believe that another individual’s confidence with their own, personal self will emasculate him. That’s like saying because your girlfriend is eating an ice cream bar, she’s preventing you from eating one too. You’re effectively saying that as a man you need to have all the ice cream and any ice cream she gets should come from your hand because it’s your job as a chivalrous male to give it to her or withhold it as you please, right? Let’s stop being a baby and understand that both partners can have their own ice cream and enjoy it together.

Oh lordy, here comes the usual “threatened, insecure man” trope. Lay off the attempted shame, it’s beneath you and completely ineffective when arguing in this space. The readers here simply laugh that away because they are older and wiser. Readers in this space, the Manosphere, want truths. You are not dealing in truths, you are dealing in unrealistic and damaging social expectations.  Oh, and just using the word “emasculate” the way you did is ludicrous and also ineffective.  Really? Wow, just wow. I can’t even.

Women are just as entitled to confidence as men, in both the public and romantic spheres, and don’t exist to submit themselves to the whims of your dick. Your sense of what a relationship is and ought to be is very warped and seems to be based on some fantasy of a valiant knight protecting some helpless damsel, when in reality a relationship is two people enjoying ice cream together on equal terms.

Shit, I loathe chivalrous white knights as much as you. I deal in realistic and successful attraction and dating advice for the post-divorce crowd. A doormat dude supplicating himself to a woman’s endless needs kills a woman’s attraction and respect for that guy. Most men are ignorant of this. Just ask the fellow over at Bring Chivalry Back. He’s swimming up the cultural and biological Mississippi river with no arms, no legs, no life jacket, and a lead weight tied around his waist. Also, enough with the word “equal”. What part of “men and women are different” don’t you understand? Oh, wait, all of it. Time to move on.

Instead of demanding that women humble themselves before men, please realize that the fact that you feel women need to do this in order for men to feel good about themselves speaks of incredible insecurity. Effectively, you’re asking for a more abject woman so that you can feel in control, which is not healthy whatsoever and is actually a dangerous complex.

Let’s review some shaming code words aimed at men: Insecure, immature, intimidated, threatened, etc. These words simply don’t work on confident and charismatic men. Water, meet duck’s back. Oh, and “control” is another code word aimed at men. It can be translated as “do a woman’s bidding” so you can receive some affection. Here’s another dirty little biological secret in primates like us human. Relationships between the sexes is transactional. Don’t like it? Offended? That’s your problem and yours only.

You claim that women “humbling themselves” before men will evoke their protective instinct, but what women really need protection from is this kind of misogyny.

Careful, you’re invoking protection , the ultimate female privilege. Bad ideas! Bad words! Protect the dames! PROTECT THE DAMES AT ALL COSTS! Hypocrisy much?

I’ll end with this: While you claim a confident woman is good only for a few dates and sex, if this is the kind of thing you truly believe then you aren’t even good for that. Show some damned humility, already.

In closing, and after being marginally entertained by writing this blog post, I sum up with these words: Go fuck yourself you simpering, politically correct stooge. You know nothing of the realities of honest attraction and dating. Start a dating coach business, you’ll be bankrupt in moments. Also, go be humble on your own time. The readers here have more important things to do and humility is not scheduled.

 

6 Comments

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,296 other followers