Archive for category The Eternal Solipsism of the Female Mind
As a smoker, I take my smoke breaks with the few other smokers in this fairly large office building. My compatriots in nicotine are mostly ordinary people working white-collar jobs, just like me. There are two 40-plus single dames who I chat with regularly, albeit briefly. They both know that I give attraction and dating advice to the post-divorce crowd.
Because they know I have a blog and I run into them regularly, I am going to be extremely diplomatic with my words. Both women are over 40 and to a 50-something guy, they are not unattractive. One has a teen-aged son, the other is never-married (I think) and without kids. So have we have Mom and Non-Mom. Non-Mom is actively looking for a male romantic interest in her life. Mom would probably date a guy if he fell in her lap.
Non-Mom is frustrated with the whole dating process. She’s making many of the classic mistakes that women make in the search for romance. But Non-Mom is actively looking. She’s doing the online dating thing and does get out of the house with yoga and walking. Recently, she gave out her phone to a guy she met on the street (think city street, not suburbia). So Non-Mom is doing that part right. She also dresses in a very feminine manner. That alone will get attention from men.
Mom, on the other hand, is more circumspect about her romantic endeavors. “I’m just so busy for dating.” My readers will know exactly that actually means. I just looked at her and stated simply, “then you’re not ready for dating.” Her reaction was expected, she back-peddled a bit and changed her approach to the conversation. Again, as expected. Her back story is all about being attracted to the wrong types of men after her divorce. Good for excitement, poor for relationships, hence, her circumspection. Mom does dress well, just not as feminine as Non-Mom.
I do talk about some Red Pill subjects with these two women while we smoke. The listen patiently but I don’t expect it to sink in very much. It takes an incredible amount of effort to be introspective enough to adjust attitudes. My readers know the process. Non-Mom will likely meet her relationship goal. She’ll be most disappointed in the whole dating scene until she meets her version of Prince Charming. This is because she’s actively working at meeting men.
Mom is receptive but too passive in her quest for romance. Her challenge is that few men in this age range actively approach women. I will wager that mostly men over 60 years old will approach her while she’s out and about. I sense she’ll take it well but wistfully wonder why aren’t guys her own age aren’t approaching her. It’s because men her age with the confidence and charisma to approach women will be approaching younger women.
Attraction and dating changes a great deal once a certain age is reached. It’s hard to understand and accept that the attraction balance shifts towards the men. A lot of guys my age don’t understand that and this keeps them from working on self-improvement to be even more attractive to the opposite sex. These same guys don’t understand that single women want to approached, even if just for validation purposes. This is the generation of men who came of age in the 1980s and were taught to be Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAGS). This is also the generation when herpes and AIDS burst into the sexual marketplace. It affected us and reprogramming is a tough process.
To my commenters, exercise diplomacy please, I see these two women almost every day. And no, no photos of them.
This is about men and women over a certain age. When women are no longer noticed, usually because of age, there is great verbal consternation. Many words go into the ‘Net ether that bemoan the great invisibility of a certain demographic. It’s good copy and results in many page clicks. There is a great collective wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the estrogen gang.
When men become invisible, they either buy the trappings of status – I live in south Florida and see it constantly – or they completely retreat from the dating marketplace through social isolation. Such men don’t express their deepening frustration. Rather, they unhappily accept it. It’s an awful scenario.
For men and women alike, it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is simple: be noticed, stand out, don’t blend in with the miasma of social mediocrity.
Standing out is not easy. It’s also not the same for men and women. Three of the noble rules of attraction must be reinforced now:
1. Men and women are different.
While obvious on the surface, this is a revolutionary notion given the current landscape of social expectations. The great, and wildly unrealistic, slow-moving tsunami of “equality” ‘twixt the genders has our generation somehow convinced that men and women are the same above the shoulders. That’s a the worst lie ever foisted on western civilization. That lie is ruining attraction, dating, and relationships.
2. The feminine attracts the masculine.
Ladies, if you look and act in a feminine manner, men will notice you. The first is appearance. Men are visual (and how many times must you be told that?) Here’s a great quote: “When I was young and clever, I tried to change the world. When I was older and wiser, I simply changed myself.” Please keep that in mind. The world will not bend to your opinion.
Whether 25 or 65, looking feminine can happen. It does take work. The term “descernable waist” is your friend. Long hair is a serious bonus. If your “friends” tell you that you shouldn’t work on yourself, please find new friends. They don’t want to see you happy with your appearance because they are unhappy with their own appearance. Femininity also means behaving in a feminine manner. Those are natural gender behaviors. What, being happy, pleasant, and nurturing is offensive? Insert eye-roll and forehead slap here.
3. The masculine attracts the feminine.
Gentlemen, you are failing. Let’s say it again: Confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership. It’s hard to stand out because it’s been beaten into your heads to keep those heads down and fit in. That’s understandable. Fitting in means being invisible. The easiest way to stand out is to dress better and working seriously on your charisma. By the way, charisma can be learned, regardless of age.
For you guys in colder climes, you’ll have to wait a bit to take off the parkas and wear better clothes. No matter, standing out visually is an act of serious confidence. Shut up and do it – just don’t be a clown about it. Dress one level up from the guys you normally associate with. It will work.
Being invisible is the death of attraction and dating. It does not matter what the gender. Don’t be invisible.
I read many different Internet forums that deal with men’s issues as they relate to attraction and dating. I was over at the A Voice for Men forum and found a devastatingly perceptive observation regarding why so many men don’t approach women. Here’s the post, in italics, that started the thread (in the Relations & Dating section of the forum). My inline comments are in bold. I have some additional comments are under it.
I have a theory that the notion that “men fear rejection” is horribly misguided.
I was exploring my fears almost a year ago, and I realized: “Wait! I don’t fear rejection. I fear punishment!”
Fear of Rejection:
- The fear that she might say “no,” and not be interested in having a sexual relationship with me.
Fear of Punishment:
- The fear that she will express disgust or shaming or laughing towards me. That’s right girls, punish his ego.
- The fear that she might tell her friends that I am a “creep,” and that the women will start spreading the word amongst themselves. This is good motivation to learn better social skills.
- The fear that my advance will be felt to be dangerous, or that my interactions with women will be felt as potentially dangerous, because I did not observe some cautionary signal that women are looking for but I don’t happen to know. More motivation to learn better social skills.
- The fear that I will show up on the radar of white knights, who will then signal that I am “under watch,” warn women of my approach, interrupt future approaches, what have you. I loathe white knights.
- The fear that I will lose social status, be laughed at, or shamed before the local community. This is huge and I have more comments on this below.
- The fear that she will make up in her mind that not only is she not interested now, but that she will decide that she will NEVER be interested. The writer of this thread post doesn’t yet understand that there are few, if any, second chances.
When I inventoried my fears, I realized that by far, the fear of punishment dramatically dwarfs the fear of rejection. Yet, we’re always hearing talk about how men “fear rejection,” and how it’s viewed as almost an insult to women: “You can’t handle that she might say no. You feel entitled to a yes, basically.” But that’s ridiculous.
Imagine that you had telepathic powers, and you could read a woman’s mind, to see if she would say “yes” or “no.” There would be no punishments issued, because she wouldn’t even know that you asked. Would you check to see her interest? I can’t speak for you, but for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I’d be constantly scanning most every woman around me, in order to find out, “Are you interested?” (..!) If I were afraid of the rejection itself, my answer should be “no.” But it’s NOT the rejection I’m afraid of. It’s the punishment.
I don’t hear anybody really talking about this, but I think that we should be talking about this more loudly.
I think we should be talking about all the ways that men are punished for doing the task that is assigned to men ANYWAYS. I am meaning how men are forced to be the ones to initiate, or else nothing’s ever happening for you. What sense does it make to force a person do a job, refuse to tell them how to do it “right,” and then dole out powerful punishments for doing it “wrong” ..? This is the most important paragraph in the thread post. Women won’t correctly tell a man how to approach a woman, that’s the Manosphere’s job.
I want us to be vigilant about making it safe for men to make sexual requests of women. And I want to get the word out that we need to be compassionate for boys and men who are making sexual requests. There’s this whole thing about shaming socially awkward men, especially socially awkward men who are making sexual requests. Yet these are the people who MOST need to make awkward sexual requests, so that they can develop to the point where they can make skilled sexual requests. I somewhat disagree. A man must learn better general social skills before he starts trying to be more assertive with his relationship goals.
My experience from talking with women is that they have simply NO CONCEPT of what the punishments are like for men. Norah Vincent wrote about this in “Self-Made Man,” and trying to explain to women what the situation was. I know a feminist woman who goes to bars in order to compete to make men cry with her friends. I want men to go out there, and talk about the punishments. (I told several feminist women about this, and they said, “That’s not feminist! That’s not what a feminist would do!”, but… …they were all friends with the feminist who does this. They just weren’t aware that it was her.)
At the very least, whenever you hear the phrase “fear of rejection,” consider replacing the phrase with: “Fear of Punishment,” and think about what exactly are the things you are fearing having happened.
I think men are being made to take on too much crap from women, and I think men are too often serving as the servants of women in dishing out punishment and shame. I want us to push for more sensitive women. Me, too.
Us gents in the world of masculine self-improvement are continually extolling guys to have incredibly thick skins when it comes to approaching women. That makes sense when it’s only a simple rejection. Frankly, I had never considered these various punishments that might accompany a simple, polite rejection. Women – and girls, especially – do judge ferociously should the “wrong” guy approach. The thermonuclear rejection, “ewwww, as if!” is a form of emotional punishment meant to belittle a man’s ego.
For a guy established in the community and re-entering dating without adequate social skills and charisma is running a huge risk when he approaches a woman to see if there is a mutual attraction. She will likely be nice about the rejection but if she’s also part of the community and is social, she very well might assassinate his character to her friends, male and female. To me, this is the biggest punishment because it greatly reduces the man’s future chances to successfully approach other women. Likely, he won’t know why he is presumptively rejected without even a chance.
Fear of punishment is a huge reason for the popularity of online dating. If the approach can be made from the relative safety of the computer, the rejection can have far fewer punishments for the man. There’s a big caveat here. In smaller communities, there is a still the risk of punishment because women will communicate with each other. This applies to small geographical communities and/or online dating niche communities, like JDate (trust me, I know this from personal experience).
The next time a woman mocks men for the fear of rejection, I’ll be the first to speak up so I can say, “It’s not fear of rejection, it’s fear of punishment”. I urge other guys to do the same.
I usually don’t criticize dating coaches directly. I support all successful dating coaches because they are performing a valuable social function, especially in regards to educating their clients about the essential truths regarding attraction and dating. A successful dating coach is an excellent counter-balance to the vast amounts of politically correct (and damaging) dating advice that permeates the media and Internet like a lethal virus.
Through the miracle of Twitter, I was alerted to the most recent blog post from Miss Solomon and her dating coach business, “The Dating Truth”. The title of the blog post says it all, “WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS IN DATING”. Her full post is here. Overall, the blog post is rather disjointed. The lengthy quote in the beginning of Miss Solomon’s blog post is simply feel-good stuff with the purpose of making the female readers, well, feel good. You go, grrl! It has little to do with the reality of attraction and dating.
For the rest of her blog post, my comments are in boldface. I’m keeping my tone as reasonable as possible because I’m sure Miss Solomon means well, she’s simply lost her focus on this one post because many of her other blog posts are truthful and reasonable.
In dating, women are incredibly apologetic. We’re sorry when we react emotionally, we’re ashamed when we’re single at a certain age and we compete for men who let us humiliate ourselves in the name of love.
There’s nothing wrong with being apologetic. That’s a sign of humility, a wonderfully attractive feminine characteristic. Sometimes, women do get too emotional and apologies are important. Practicing emotional self-control is the best tactic. Emotional self-control is the hallmark of a mature adult. Finally, women do compete for the most attractive men. This is a firm reality of Dating 2.0 and the nature of attraction. Not liking that is like not liking the sun rising in the East.
Women don’t see themselves as equal to men in dating. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that we are chosen by men and we have to do everything we can to be “his choice” and when we’re not we find ways to apologize to the world for it.
Women and men are so different that equality in the context of dating is pointless, frustrating, and self-defeating. There is no “conditioning” The attractive men certainly do the choosing in regards to relationship commitment. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. This is biology. This is DNA. This is not “conditioning”.
Adding a little feminism in dating isn’t about the woman paying for the date. It doesn’t mean women should ask men out more often or have sex casually. Being a feminist in your love life means giving both sexes the right to want and participate in a loving relationship.
Miss Solomon needs to dial down the hypocrisy. She demands equality in one breath and then appeals to natural gender behaviors in the next breath. She must pick one. Men will find that consistency quite appealing. Better still, men will happily pay for the first few simple dates if the woman understands and embraces her femininity (call the PC police!).
Miss Solomon can either embrace feminism or repudiate it. Given that she is a business-person and her capitalistic endeavors are based on the profit-motive, she must repudiate (diplomatically) feminism. If not, she can write for XOJane and wallow in the filth of that website’s political correctness. That won’t be so good for business.
Start to view a man as a partner and not the master of your marital destiny. It’s not the complete responsibility of the woman to be good enough, or make the relationship work or to compromise more.
Let’s be honest, men are the deciders, the selectors, the choosers when it comes to relationship commitment. With that in mind, it is the woman’s responsibility to be good enough. It is she who must bring something to the dating and relationship table if she wants to fulfill her relationship goals. This becomes more and more important as men and women age.
I understand the nature of marketing. Every dating coach and PUA “systems” dude has to deal with it. This is why I cut a lot of slack regarding those marketing messages: “Three simple tricks to [make him commit... three simple tricks to get her into your bed]” I have signed up for many email marketing campaigns and such messages are common. This is business, nothing more.
I do hope that Miss Solomon is successful and that her blog post was an unfortunate exception. She has a business and she is financially bound to give successful attraction and dating advice. She might not like it. Her clients will not like it… but the truth always wins out.
I sometimes get amazing correspondence from my readers. Here is something from a woman about the nature of women. I’ve done some minor editing to make it a bit more readable.
I’m unfamiliar with this site. But the page on domineering women struck a nerve. As a battle-scarred woman, let me tell you about the three most domineering women I’ve ever known. I’m talking the ultimate, supreme, unrivaled, gold standards. Two of whom I’ve known since youth. The third I worked with for just two years but who scarred me badly.
The first two are rough, crude, battle-axe types who are so insufferable they eventually drive away everyone, including their husbands, who were so fed up that they both got out of control sexually and had numerous affairs (think Bill Clinton and his battle-axe). Now each of the women are raising three kids on their own. They have mostly themselves to blame.
The third was most dangerous. Unlike the others, she is well educated, refined, sophisticated, and who came across as lady-like. Upon first meeting her, no one would ever suspect that they were looking into the eyes of a lying, scheming, domineering, manipulative, self-serving, back-stabbing, greedy little witch. One who got ahead by shamelessly undermining those around her, one by one: male, female, young, old, higher ups and support staff alike. Sometimes it was subtle. Other times she would throw tantrums and tattle on people.
Perhaps, tellingly, the one she treated most viciously and unfairly was a beautiful young blonde woman. For the existence of beautiful women (as opposed to her plain Jane self) was an affront to her smug sense of superiority. That she would never consider herself dishonest or unethical was most outrageous. Everyone else she expected to toe the line. Otherwise she would nail them and squash them like a bug. If this were the behavior of a soap opera villainess it would be amusing. But in reality it’s truly disturbing.
Years later I actually saw her on the tv news, in a segment on working women with stay-at-home husbands. Not a surprise given that a) she’s narcissistic enough to seek publicity; and b) the poor shmuck is now totally under her control. Let’s see how long he lasts.
In conclusion, for me it took time, experience, and helpful insights by good folk like those on this site to piece it all together and see behind the curtain. God bless us everyone.