Archive for category Relationships

A Dating Exercise For Women (Re-post)

[I posted this just over three years ago. It needs to go viral.]

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.

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Spreadsheet Husband

Now that the news of the Spreadsheet Husband, “SH”,  has faded and cooler minds can prevail, it’s my turn to weigh in. There’s a big caveat here, I rarely opine on relationship issues because my forte is attraction and dating. But this story I cannot ignore because many of my male readers can likely relate to SH’s frustrations with their sex lives while they were married or in a committed relationship. Here are some links for folks to catch up.

Reddit (Where it all started but has since been removed, comments are available)
Jezebel
Globe and Mail (Canada)
Us Magazine
People
NY Daily News
Huffington Post
Independent (UK)

The full list links is very long which shows just how sensitive this issue is. Where comments are available, it’s worth checking them out to a sense of how this struck such a nerve.

Here’s my input: I think Spreadsheet Husband did the right thing. He called out his wife on her unwillingness to help him enjoy his sexuality with her. He did it correctly. The spreadsheet was perfect, especially the log of the reasons why she turned him away. This put her on the serious defensive. So much so, she had to respond with the standard reasons for a sexless spell in their marriage and not simply denying the events. When he went silent on his wife during her business trip, he was adding the necessary exclamation point with “dread game“.

The response to this story was utterly predictable. He’s excoriated for being passive/aggressive. She’s supported because he’s, well, desirous of sex from his wife. Oh, that brute! The story originally broke on Reddit and that’s where the good comments are. Once the mainstream media picked up it up, the feminine imperative  erupted loudly and the focus quickly shifted to the sexual desires of women and the victimhood of this particular wife. This is yet another example of how the sexual desires of the man should be a lessor priority in the context of a committed relationship.

The angry reaction against SH simply showed that he was fundamentally right. His wife simply failed him, he pointed it out with unassailable documentation, and the rally-round-the-vag crowd went bananas. Hell, even the BroBible guys went after the husband. Nice white knighting, Bros. Let’s hope that’s not an editorial policy going forward.

This story is also a cautionary tale for men, especially men entering a marriage or live-in relationship situation. As a husband, a man has obligations and responsibilities but the wife, much less so. This applies in the bedroom, of course. Her sexual satisfaction is more important than his. This is the feminine imperative and it can often be unpleasant and unfair to men. As a peer pointed out, we don’t know how SH approached his wife for some sexy time. Perhaps he was supplicating and weak, a true turn-off for women. We also have to consider his sexual prowess, or lack thereof.

I hope that SH gets out of this sexless situation. Being rather cynical, I doubt that the wife will put on her big girl panties and recognize that what she did was wrong. I also suspect that SH will backpeddle and apologize profusely. There’s a good place to send him before divorce looms – Athol Kay’s website. If SH is not taking the lead in his sexual relationship with his wife, he won’t be taking the skin boat to tuna town on a regular basis.

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Cuddling For Dollars

Read this story first.

Welcome back.

This is important because it speaks to a human need. Many of us get enough physical contact from the opposite sex so that a professional “cuddler” isn’t necessary. However, many men go without such physical contact. Many women have the same issue. Our species, homo sapiens, is a physical one. We need the touch from others. Hell, we’ll accept the closeness of other species as a substitute.

Years ago I travelled to the middle east (United Arab Emirates) and I often observed two guys walking down the street or in the souk, holding hands, as friends. To my western sensibilities, I thought this completely nuts. As I think now, it makes sense. Humans need physical contact with other humans and it doesn’t need to be sexual. I have been reading about older women who are deeply sad that there are no man to provide even a simple hug.

This professional cuddler is a manifestation of a social pathology brought on by recent changes in human culture. Technology is one of them. Also, the atomization of our culture encourages us to remain single and isolated from the physical touch of others. This trend doesn’t end well.

With hook up apps like Tinder on the high seas of “dating”, a man can get some quick sexual touch and for most guys, this can suffices. The professional cuddler, however, is clearly for a smaller group of guys who need more than a sweaty night with bodies conjoined at the genitals. A powerful read on the lack of human touch is M3’s post on being involuntarily celibate (incel) .

The desire for physical closeness with the opposite sex is why I recommend that a woman takes a man’s arm when they’re out perambulating, especially when on a date.  I don’t criticize the professional cuddler. She sees a need in the marketplace and is fulfilling it. I do, however, have criticism of her clients. If they are fairly normal guys, they can up their Charisma so that no cash needs to be involved when physical intimacy occurs.

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The Mine Field Of Adjectives

  • Nice guy
  • Good man
  • Mysterious fellow
  • Arrogant prick
  • Confident dude

How a man is perceived is complex and confusing, especially for the man back on the dating scene. After digesting the emotional turmoil that is divorce – even if civil – the single guy is entering a new landscape. Gone are the days of the dinner and a movie date. Now there is online dating and “meetings” where reduced expectations are the new normal.

But the 40-something guy simply wants to meet his relationship goals. Perhaps he wants to be a Lothario and master the art and science of seduction. Maybe he just wants a woman to love again and her love for him is matched. Maybe he wants the “stayover” relationship where there is exclusivity but not cohabitation. All these goals are legitimate.

Our 40-something guy is not in his twenties. He’s smart enough to listen to his single female peers. When he takes in their words, he has haplessly wandered in the adjective minefield. It gets worse if he fires up some online dating and reads a few hundred dating profiles written by single women. I’ve read tens of thousands of such profiles and I know the patterns.

“Looking for a nice guy” is a frequent term used by the dames in their online dating profiles. I’ve covered this quite recently. The difficulty lies in understanding that actions and words diverge terribly when it comes to understanding how women deal with attraction and dating. Descriptors like “nice” and “good” are the socially expected words. Those are polite company words. Those are the words used at singles events where we actually have to communicate face to face.

Away from social expectations and well-meaning friends, a woman does what she wants. She’ll publicly and happily tell a friendly fellow that she has no problem dating shorter men. But when she puts her fingers on the keyboard to describe her preferences, out comes “you must be 5’11” or taller” in her online dating profile. Gentlemen, this is a feature in women, not a bug. Deal with it like an with it like an adult.

When reading the pick up artistry (PUA) literature, a man learns a whole new language and a completely new set of skills. “Aloof”, “cocky”, and “confident” become the new normal. These are not the words of his sister and his female friends who bestow well-meaning and socially accepted advice.  Confusion swirls in his mind. Our man simply wants to be himself. He wants to be humble, decent, and good. But in his efforts to be such things, he dines alone and his online dating efforts come to naught.

Let’s bring in the whole concept of “be yourself”. New readers will be nodding in agreement. My seasoned readers will be slowly shaking their heads. If a man or woman is not meeting relationship goals, then “being yourself” simply won’t cut it. Coming through the divorce process is an opportunity to change. Yes, I said it, “change”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, regardless of age.

It’s time to sum up. Nice guys lose in the dating game. Supplication never wins for guys. Chivalry ain’t working it. Good guys might do better but they need to be aloof and mysterious. If it such characteristics don’t come naturally, men can learn. Women can re-learn femininity, as well. Being more attractive to the opposite sex can be learned.

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Another Pretty Lie Is Slain

 

As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

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A Fine Feature of True Femininity

A woman of whom I’m quite fond has a remarkable feature to her personality. She’s peaceful. She has a stressful job as an independent (and sole proprietor) businessperson and also has a sometimes complicated personal life. Pleasingly, I’ve never heard her raise her voice in anger. I’ve never seen her sad for no reason. There are no tears for non-existent reasons. She does smile and laugh often and that’s quite attractive. When we’re together, it’s just peaceful and nice, amongst other pleasurable things. Unfortunately, this woman lives well over 200 miles away.

This is an example of a woman who is, to me, almost completely drama free but who still has good emotional bandwidth. I have plenty of examples of her peacefulness in the face of what could have turned incredible emotional drama involving me. There has been none of that drama. There have been hints and a few wry comments yet nothing more than that. Peaceful is an amazing thing in a woman. The masculine equivalent is emotional restraint and non boastful emotional strength.

The women I’ve been close to in the past were never that peaceful. Like stereotypical women, there was drama aplenty and too much anger and sadness. Actually, any anger in a woman is too much anger. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to respond accordingly, many lessons learned. It must be known that anger is simply not feminine. If a woman is going to be angry, she needs to take it outside like she’s about to pass serious gas because the two are the same in attractiveness. Snark is anger’s sarcastic cousin and also something very unfeminine.

I weep for the younger generation of men who must deal with girls (not women) who manufacture drama just to raise emotional nonsense in order to keep themselves entertained and stimulated. That’s cluster B behavior and anyone displaying such behaviors should be completely shunned. Emotional self-control is the absolute hallmark of adult maturity, regardless of sex.

On a somewhat related note, I’m meeting up with a 28-year-old friend in a couple of days to advise him about re-entering the world of dating and to help him better understand girls. I’m also going to ask him about his relationship goals. He’s coming off a relationship with a classic cluster B girl, an attraction pattern of his regarding girls he has had relationships with.. I will advise him to find a healthy, social, and athletic enthusiasm to help him better his emotional frame. I will also advise him to find a girl who is peaceful.

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The Parable of Mark and Lauren (by laidnyc)

I’m a huge fan of cleverly written blog posts. With the author’s permission, I’m reposting an extraordinarily clever post from LaidNYC (link below). A smart reader will quickly figure out angle of this post and the lesson it imparts on young women. Honestly, there are times when I’m grateful to be middle age and don’t have to deal directly with the 20-something dating scene.

Lauren is happy.  Last night, her boyfriend Mark finally told her he loved her.  She had been wanting that ever since they started seeing each other four months ago.  She had been having sex with him, and it had been pleasurable for sure, but she was doing so hoping it would turn into something more: love.

Mark had been aloof and slow to give away his emotions.  Lauren didn’t mind this, she even preferred it.  It meant that she had to work for his love, and by the time he said it, she felt she had earned it and that it really meant something to him.

Lauren set up an excited brunch with her friends Stina, Terri and Lisa.  They hadn’t seen each other in four months, in fact none of them knew she was dating Mark.  Right away, she starts telling them the good news.

“Wow” said Stina, “I didn’t even know you were dating a new guy! That’s great.”

“Yeah”, said Terri, “what is the guy’s name?”

“Mark Smith”, said Lauren.  A hush immediately fell over her support group as they began to give each other awkward looks.

“Uhhhh, Lauren”, said Lisa, “Mark Smith has loved a lot of girls.”

“Yeah”, said Stina, “He told Jackie Valenti he loved her.”

“Okay” said Lauren, “But she probably fucked his brains out, right?  Like, he was definitely getting sex from her?”

Stina cringes.  ”No” she says, “They never even kissed.  He went over to her place drunk one night and professed his love for her.  She never even let him in her bedroom.”

“Alright but that’s only one girl.  That’s okay.” Said Lauren, getting nervous.

“Well there’s also Andrea Tedesco.  He told her he loved her after two casual dates.” said Terri, “She was bragging that she kept him around for a while, getting ‘good morning beautiful’ texts from him and other indications of love whenever she needed it, and she only stopped accepting his love when he started to want sex.  He still writes on her facebook wall.”

Lauren felt a deep pit in her stomach.

Lisa continues: “Mark told Angelica Messina he loved her the first night he met her.  She said he was REALLY into it, looking her right in the eyes when he said it, getting down on his knees in front of her just to kiss her hand, and he even recited poetry for her.  She gave him one of those awkward one arm hugs and that was it.”

He never did that freaky stuff with me, thought Lauren.  If he does that stuff, then why did I just get a plain old “I love you”?

Plus Angelica is the biggest cocktease in the city, thought Lauren.  How could Mark fall for her bullshit? What an idiot.  Now she thought Mark was stupid as well as loose with his love.

Stina says, apologetically, “I don’t want to tell you this, but I heard Mark met a girl in a club and dragged her into the bathroom to tell her she was beautiful, then he gave her twenty dollars.  She never even touched him.”

“Okay, please stop” said Lauren.  She was growing sicker by the second, her world crushed.

Later, she confronts Mark with her new knowledge.  Did he really love all those girls without getting sex from them?  She demands to know.

“Well yeah but I didn’t really WANT sex from them”, Mark lies, possibly even to himself, “I wanted to give them love, that’s all.  I wasn’t ready for sex at that point in my life.”

“Uggggghhhhh” says Lauren, “Don’t you know that guys who give girls love and attention without getting sex are LOSERS??? The girls getting the love and attention don’t actually respect them, they are just using them!”

“No way, guys can want love without sex, too”, claims Mark.

“Well I heard you told Shirley Thompson from my building you loved her and I have to look at her every day.  Plus she’s really pretty, there’s no way she was going to fuck you! Why did you love her?” says Lauren.

“Is that what this is about”, Mark says, “You are just insecure because I have more experience with love than you.  You think you can’t measure up to all the beautiful girls I’ve loved in the past.”

“Just how many girls did you tell you loved?” asks Lauren

“I don’t know, about 30″ says Mark

This hits Lauren like a brick in the stomach. “30! That is insane, you are a loser!”

“Can’t you see that my past doesn’t matter, and you are giving me sex now and that’s all that matters?” says Mark, “I love the sex we have and that’s something I didn’t get from the other girls.”

Mark can’t see why this only makes Lauren madder.  Why should she be the one who has to pay by putting her valuable eggs at risk by taking his sperm in order to get the love and attention that the other girls got so easily.

“Well if you give away love so easily, why did you make me wait?” says Lauren, “Was I not as good as the other girls?”

“Well I saw the chance for sex with you and I didn’t want to mess that up by giving away love too soon”, says Mark.

Lauren dumped Mark.

She had to.

Someone so loose with their emotions is not a good person to give sex to.

What if they have a son who turns out to be easily manipulated by a pretty face, like Mark?

What if a pretty girl in need bats her eyelashes at him and he gives her money that their family needs?

What if she just wants a man’s love all to herself and that can’t happen with Mark?

Even beyond that, on a very visceral, base level that she couldn’t explain, she found Mark repulsive.  It was as if she had been wired biologically to feel disgust and lack of attraction for guys who allow themselves to get friendzoned.  There was no way she could fuck him again.

Yup, it was as clear as day, thought Lauren.  Guys who give away love easily are definitely not worthy of sex.

LaidNYC’s original post

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