Archive for category Rationalization Hamster
As a smoker, I take my smoke breaks with the few other smokers in this fairly large office building. My compatriots in nicotine are mostly ordinary people working white-collar jobs, just like me. There are two 40-plus single dames who I chat with regularly, albeit briefly. They both know that I give attraction and dating advice to the post-divorce crowd.
Because they know I have a blog and I run into them regularly, I am going to be extremely diplomatic with my words. Both women are over 40 and to a 50-something guy, they are not unattractive. One has a teen-aged son, the other is never-married (I think) and without kids. So have we have Mom and Non-Mom. Non-Mom is actively looking for a male romantic interest in her life. Mom would probably date a guy if he fell in her lap.
Non-Mom is frustrated with the whole dating process. She’s making many of the classic mistakes that women make in the search for romance. But Non-Mom is actively looking. She’s doing the online dating thing and does get out of the house with yoga and walking. Recently, she gave out her phone to a guy she met on the street (think city street, not suburbia). So Non-Mom is doing that part right. She also dresses in a very feminine manner. That alone will get attention from men.
Mom, on the other hand, is more circumspect about her romantic endeavors. “I’m just so busy for dating.” My readers will know exactly that actually means. I just looked at her and stated simply, “then you’re not ready for dating.” Her reaction was expected, she back-peddled a bit and changed her approach to the conversation. Again, as expected. Her back story is all about being attracted to the wrong types of men after her divorce. Good for excitement, poor for relationships, hence, her circumspection. Mom does dress well, just not as feminine as Non-Mom.
I do talk about some Red Pill subjects with these two women while we smoke. The listen patiently but I don’t expect it to sink in very much. It takes an incredible amount of effort to be introspective enough to adjust attitudes. My readers know the process. Non-Mom will likely meet her relationship goal. She’ll be most disappointed in the whole dating scene until she meets her version of Prince Charming. This is because she’s actively working at meeting men.
Mom is receptive but too passive in her quest for romance. Her challenge is that few men in this age range actively approach women. I will wager that mostly men over 60 years old will approach her while she’s out and about. I sense she’ll take it well but wistfully wonder why aren’t guys her own age aren’t approaching her. It’s because men her age with the confidence and charisma to approach women will be approaching younger women.
Attraction and dating changes a great deal once a certain age is reached. It’s hard to understand and accept that the attraction balance shifts towards the men. A lot of guys my age don’t understand that and this keeps them from working on self-improvement to be even more attractive to the opposite sex. These same guys don’t understand that single women want to approached, even if just for validation purposes. This is the generation of men who came of age in the 1980s and were taught to be Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAGS). This is also the generation when herpes and AIDS burst into the sexual marketplace. It affected us and reprogramming is a tough process.
To my commenters, exercise diplomacy please, I see these two women almost every day. And no, no photos of them.
Note: All the names have been changed.
I had the opportunity to attend a beach wedding recently. It was in Key West and I was the official date of a female friend of mine. Logistically, the whole thing worked out well. The drive down was mostly uneventful except my friend’s expensive speeding ticket. We arrived in Key West and checked in to a nice bed and breakfast right on Duval Street. For those not in the know, Duval Street is the main drag where all the partying happens. It’s very serious partying.
The first evening we were there, my friend ran into a colleague from years ago. The colleague was a high powered career woman without kids who had married a decent guy over a decade ago. This was Kristen and Dave. The four of us are all roughly the same age, 40s and 50s, and got along well. I mentioned my blog in passing when asked about what I do.
The following day, the beach wedding went off without a hitch. We met up again with Kristen and Dave, this time at the wedding reception at a “rustic” waterfront bar. Think Buffet style, not Warren but Jimmy. It’s Key West, after all. Over drinks and copious food, Kristen asked me a question, “So what’s your blog about?”
“I help men become more attractive to women so these guys can meet their relationship goals”.
That’s my standard and consistent response when I am asked about my blog.
“What’s it called?”
“The Private Man, you can Google it.”
My friend nodded and smiled. She likes what I write. Kristen and Dave seemed intrigued. The conversation shifted for a few minutes where Kristen and my friend caught up on connections and people from the years past when they worked together. Then Dave piped up. He had been searching for my blog on his smart phone.
“I found it.” He then started reading my most recent post about the TV show audition.
The conversation soon started up about alimony. Kristen was of the mind that alimony was fundamentally wrong. I gave her credit for that. She recommended that I read a recent Time magazine article about alimony reform and the 2nd Wives Club. She didn’t know that I had been following this particular issue for years.
At some point soon after, Dave’s cell phone rang with a call from his adult son. He had to find a quiet place to talk on the phone, leaving Kristin, my friend, and me to talk during the busy reception. Kristen soon stood up to fetch another drink from the bar. Now things got interesting. Each time I went the bar, I asked my friend if she wanted anything. I noticed that Dave’s drink was empty and I said, “You should get your husband a drink.” The gesture she gave in return was disrespectful and rude.
She waved her hand away and gave a dismissive facial expression as she turned her back on me as she faced the closely available bartender.
“Give the guy some respect!” I said loudly at her back.
The whole scene took only seconds. To her, it was a throw-away gesture of casual disrespect towards her husband. It was the equivalent of an eye-roll. It was two seconds that vividly demonstrated the current state of relationships between wives and husbands in the realm of marriage 2.0.
Yes, I was being too sensitive. I was deciding to be too sensitive. I was putting on a lens of offensivity. But I didn’t know that until I said to my friend “I’m going to blog about this”. She witnessed the scene between Kristen and me.
“See what she does.”
Yes, actions over words. My friend gets it. Perhaps Kristen would get the drink (an open bar!) and the scene would be over without further and unnecessary drama. I watched. Kristen got her own drink and sat down without a drink for her husband.
This would need to go further.
A few moments later, it was time for me to get another drink. Dave had not returned as he was still talking to his son. I ordered my own drink and then ordered one for Dave because I knew what he was drinking. With both drinks in hand, I turned so I could get back to our table, a short few feet away. Just then, Dave showed up. As we were both standing, I gave him his drink. “Here’s a drink for you.” I made sure that both Kristen and my friend could see what was going on.
Kristen responded immediately. “So, are you dating my husband?!” (or, words to that effect.)
Boom! Shaming language*. Because she used shaming language, it was clear that Kristen was caught out in her disrespect for her husband when I gave him that drink. For Kristen to express humility was not an option. The social expectation forced her to make a useless attempt at shame towards me. She could have said “I’m sorry Dave, I should have gotten you a drink.” For any woman reading this, feminine humility is savagely attractive, even more so when a wife expresses it towards a husband. It will make a man melt. It will turn him into a gracious and delighted man.
Dave was appreciative. “Thank you!” His gratitude was honest. Perhaps he had never experienced such a gesture. I never looked at Kristen because she and I both knew how that interaction went down. It was not in her favor given her disrespect and selfishness. Later, my friend called it “just rude”.
This is the cultural miasma of misandry. Men are afforded little respect. We’re supposed to “man up and take it.” It’s worse for husbands. Kristen’s casual wave of dismissal is an example of it. She is committed to Dave yet the small act of getting a free drink was somehow beyond (beneath?) her. I don’t know the dynamics of their marriage so I don’t know if that’s a common pattern of behavior for them. I am focusing on that one gesture.
When the four of us got to chatting after that small scene, I was very determined about sticking up for men. At one point in the conversation I actually stood up and spread my arms loudly stating “I always stand up for men, I’m a masculinist!” I got some dirty looks. With such bombast, I knew I was running a social risk and might piss off my friend. I took that risk and there were no consequences except some interesting talk between us later in the evening.
As a writer who supports masculinity, I don’t take well to disrespect to men. I know that women are apt to slander men and I urge all my readers to speak up when men are being bashed merely for the act of being a man. Simply “Manning up and taking it” can’t work anymore. It’s time for push back.
A direct note to “Kristen” and “Dave”: You will likely read this blog post because you know about my blog. This post will likely cause you discomfort. You might even get offended and defensive. That’s the price I pay for the candor and honesty of my observations and advice. Before you read the comments, be aware that some of my commenters have very strong views on topics like this and their language will not be so measured. Am I overreacting? Perhaps. Know that I am very keenly aware and very sensitive to the dynamics between men and women, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends.
* Shaming language is simply an insult that is used to deflect focus away from a particular discussion/debate topic. When it is used, it almost always means that the person doing the shaming is in the wrong and doesn’t want to deal with it logically or rationally. It is a verbal tactic used by both genders constantly.
I’m a huge fan of cleverly written blog posts. With the author’s permission, I’m reposting an extraordinarily clever post from LaidNYC (link below). A smart reader will quickly figure out angle of this post and the lesson it imparts on young women. Honestly, there are times when I’m grateful to be middle age and don’t have to deal directly with the 20-something dating scene.
Lauren is happy. Last night, her boyfriend Mark finally told her he loved her. She had been wanting that ever since they started seeing each other four months ago. She had been having sex with him, and it had been pleasurable for sure, but she was doing so hoping it would turn into something more: love.
Mark had been aloof and slow to give away his emotions. Lauren didn’t mind this, she even preferred it. It meant that she had to work for his love, and by the time he said it, she felt she had earned it and that it really meant something to him.
Lauren set up an excited brunch with her friends Stina, Terri and Lisa. They hadn’t seen each other in four months, in fact none of them knew she was dating Mark. Right away, she starts telling them the good news.
“Wow” said Stina, “I didn’t even know you were dating a new guy! That’s great.”
“Yeah”, said Terri, “what is the guy’s name?”
“Mark Smith”, said Lauren. A hush immediately fell over her support group as they began to give each other awkward looks.
“Uhhhh, Lauren”, said Lisa, “Mark Smith has loved a lot of girls.”
“Yeah”, said Stina, “He told Jackie Valenti he loved her.”
“Okay” said Lauren, “But she probably fucked his brains out, right? Like, he was definitely getting sex from her?”
Stina cringes. ”No” she says, “They never even kissed. He went over to her place drunk one night and professed his love for her. She never even let him in her bedroom.”
“Alright but that’s only one girl. That’s okay.” Said Lauren, getting nervous.
“Well there’s also Andrea Tedesco. He told her he loved her after two casual dates.” said Terri, “She was bragging that she kept him around for a while, getting ‘good morning beautiful’ texts from him and other indications of love whenever she needed it, and she only stopped accepting his love when he started to want sex. He still writes on her facebook wall.”
Lauren felt a deep pit in her stomach.
Lisa continues: “Mark told Angelica Messina he loved her the first night he met her. She said he was REALLY into it, looking her right in the eyes when he said it, getting down on his knees in front of her just to kiss her hand, and he even recited poetry for her. She gave him one of those awkward one arm hugs and that was it.”
He never did that freaky stuff with me, thought Lauren. If he does that stuff, then why did I just get a plain old “I love you”?
Plus Angelica is the biggest cocktease in the city, thought Lauren. How could Mark fall for her bullshit? What an idiot. Now she thought Mark was stupid as well as loose with his love.
Stina says, apologetically, “I don’t want to tell you this, but I heard Mark met a girl in a club and dragged her into the bathroom to tell her she was beautiful, then he gave her twenty dollars. She never even touched him.”
“Okay, please stop” said Lauren. She was growing sicker by the second, her world crushed.
Later, she confronts Mark with her new knowledge. Did he really love all those girls without getting sex from them? She demands to know.
“Well yeah but I didn’t really WANT sex from them”, Mark lies, possibly even to himself, “I wanted to give them love, that’s all. I wasn’t ready for sex at that point in my life.”
“Uggggghhhhh” says Lauren, “Don’t you know that guys who give girls love and attention without getting sex are LOSERS??? The girls getting the love and attention don’t actually respect them, they are just using them!”
“No way, guys can want love without sex, too”, claims Mark.
“Well I heard you told Shirley Thompson from my building you loved her and I have to look at her every day. Plus she’s really pretty, there’s no way she was going to fuck you! Why did you love her?” says Lauren.
“Is that what this is about”, Mark says, “You are just insecure because I have more experience with love than you. You think you can’t measure up to all the beautiful girls I’ve loved in the past.”
“Just how many girls did you tell you loved?” asks Lauren
“I don’t know, about 30″ says Mark
This hits Lauren like a brick in the stomach. “30! That is insane, you are a loser!”
“Can’t you see that my past doesn’t matter, and you are giving me sex now and that’s all that matters?” says Mark, “I love the sex we have and that’s something I didn’t get from the other girls.”
Mark can’t see why this only makes Lauren madder. Why should she be the one who has to pay by putting her valuable eggs at risk by taking his sperm in order to get the love and attention that the other girls got so easily.
“Well if you give away love so easily, why did you make me wait?” says Lauren, “Was I not as good as the other girls?”
“Well I saw the chance for sex with you and I didn’t want to mess that up by giving away love too soon”, says Mark.
Lauren dumped Mark.
She had to.
Someone so loose with their emotions is not a good person to give sex to.
What if they have a son who turns out to be easily manipulated by a pretty face, like Mark?
What if a pretty girl in need bats her eyelashes at him and he gives her money that their family needs?
What if she just wants a man’s love all to herself and that can’t happen with Mark?
Even beyond that, on a very visceral, base level that she couldn’t explain, she found Mark repulsive. It was as if she had been wired biologically to feel disgust and lack of attraction for guys who allow themselves to get friendzoned. There was no way she could fuck him again.
Yup, it was as clear as day, thought Lauren. Guys who give away love easily are definitely not worthy of sex.
LaidNYC’s original post
[Yes, this is a re-post. This subject very recently came up in discussion and I feel it's important to keep this idea circulating on da Interwebz.]
I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not mine.
There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no” constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.
Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’ online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.
Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy. What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex? Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.
Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed that emotional pornography.
Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).
Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she suddenly realizes that he’s no longer attractive to her. And how do women come up with this nonsense? Emotional pornography, believing the fantasy should be real.
If our government really wants to embrace censorship (it shouldn’t, by the way), emotional pornography should be first on the list.
Lest I seem the curmudgeonly and cynical sort, I believe that men are finally wising up to the situation. They are learning that women merely talk a good game about needing romance and the whole knight in shining armor thing. That’s the social expectation as supported by that emotional pornography. But the actions of women, ah, that’s where the truth comes out. Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid.
Dating and relationships are so difficult. It’s so hard for the modern, sassy woman to find Mr. Perfect only to find herself in a relationship with Mr. Chump who is incapable of making her happy. I’ve got some solid advice here so if you’re single, find yourself a pint of your favorite ice cream, put your favorite cat on your lap and start reading. If you’re married or in a serious relationship, do the same but skip the cat. Any modern gal in a relationship should know about the dating game because being single is so fabulous! There’s no baffoonish man making your life complicated and you can shop ’til you drop without an annoying Y chromosome type looking over your credit card statement.
For any woman, whether single or not, the name of the game is you and your feminine fabulousness, no matter how you express it. Every woman is both a princess who deserves to be spoiled and a goddess who is wise, powerful, and all-knowing. Your needs, your desires, your whims deserve to be fulfilled. Your very happiness is at stake, after all. If you’re not 100% happy, there’s something outside you causing that and as a princess and goddesses, you have to change it. For most women, that unhappiness is not having a man in her life or having the wrong man in her life.
Now I have to break it down for the single girls. Here’s my advice: Prince Charming is right around the corner so don’t accept second best. How do you know he’s second best? He doesn’t make your heart soar and your libido swoon. It’s just that simple. As you meet men – I recommend online dating – be sure that the chemistry is immediate and powerful. If you don’t want to jump his bones instantly, ditch him fast because your va-jay-jay will never forgive you if you don’t. There’s a strong, good-looking, successful guy just for you and never, ever settle for anything else. Your soulmate is out there looking for you. You don’t have to change yourself in any way. He should adore you for all of you, even if your curves are especially curvy. There’s simply more of you to love. Embrace your personality quirks. If you cry or get angry easily and for no real reason, that’s who you are and it’s simply fabulous.
The easiest way for a strong and independent woman to find a man is to use online dating. It’s easy and can be free. Find your best photos. It really doesn’t matter if they are bit older, your more youthful body is a better reflection of your wonderful inner beauty. Write a really good profile. The best ones list out in detail what you deserve in a man. Be extremely specific. The great thing about online dating is that your in-box will be constantly filled with guys telling you how beautiful you are. This might take some time but a whole bunch of tasty snacks to feed your body will make you feel better while you read your many messages. The bad part about online dating is that many unsuitable men will be contacting you. They will be too short, too old, too ugly, too poor, too desperate. You might find an incredible guy online and so you should send him a message. Tell him what you deserve in a man and make him prove that he’s up to the task of making you 100% happy.
If any incredibly lucky guy scores a date with you, take the opportunity to assess him carefully. You must be on the lookout for reasons to dump him and quickly. There is no frivolous reason to ditch a man. It’s all about you, remember? You are the lead actress, director, and producer in the movie that is your life. You’re looking for the best supporting actor you can find to join you in your Oscar-winning movie. Don’t be afraid to walk out on a date. You might run into Mr. Perfect on the sidewalk. Just so you know, your date pays for everything and should have brought a nice gift for you. If he didn’t do those things, you have to cut and run. Right after dinner, of course. A smart woman never turns down a free meal. Surf and turf tastes so much better when it doesn’t dent your shoe budget.
If you find that magical, instant chemistry with a guy, test him a little. He has to constantly prove himself as a quality suitor. Also, keep him on his toes by breaking dates at the last minute and generally being a little evasive. Princesses and goddesses are in short supply. If he tires of the testing, just go back online and find a new potential paramour. They’re waiting for you. As for sex? If you want to have some nookie time, even on a first date, go for it! We live in the age where it simply doesn’t matter how much or how often a woman expresses her sexuality. You go, you sexy grrl!
For you attached ladies, you really need to evaluate the current state of your relationship. As a princess and goddess, you deserve complete happiness. Oh, and being only somewhat happy doesn’t count. If that man in your life isn’t making you 100% happy, seriously consider trading him in for a better model. He’s probably already thinking about doing the same thing, typical in men who can’t handle a goddess like you. A break up or divorce is short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain. Imagine yourself as the free woman, untied from a man who is likely holding you back. You are free to pursue your passions, to travel the world, to lead a fulfilling life. You’ll also be free to find a man who adores you, even if you’re a single mom and no longer quite the 20-something girl from a few, ahem, years ago.
So, are all you incredible girls ready to take on the world and find your happiness? Ready… Set… GO!
[This post was inspired by Roosh's Compliment and Cuddle and is a repeat post of mine. It should serve as a reminder of all the miserably bad dating and relationship advice given to women.]
The vast majority of my commenters are thoughtful and intelligent people. Yeah, even Danny with his hockey helmet and fat crayons (link below). I do, however receive comments that bring on da hate. Sometimes, they are so good that they turn in blog posts (link below).
Another such comment has recently rolled in and I’m more than happy to give it a thorough fisking. The comment is in response to my post “Reader Mailbag – The 30Something Single Professional Woman” (link below).
[From the post:]“Cupcake, you can’t compete with men. Men always win. We’re stronger, more intelligent, far more patient, and willing to take the kinds of risks that women would never even conceive of.”
Hmm. Any idea how offensive this is? Women are strong and intelligent and patient and willing to take risks too. I’m thinking that such comparisons are only accurate in a person to person basis, and not as gender generalizations.
Offensive? You’re on a Manosphere blog and you want to shut down the discussion because you’re offended? Unless you’re the CEO of WordPress threatening to shut me down, your being offended means absolutely nothing. Hell, if you saw me in person and told me you were offended, nothing would change. Guess what, my quote is the truth. You didn’t refute it, you just claimed to be offended. Also, generalizations work. Finding patterns and commonality is fundamental to the expansion of knowledge. Telling people to stop generalizing is telling them to be ignorant.
For the record, I didn’t say that women weren’t strong, intelligent, patient, and not willing to take risks. I just said that men are a great deal more of those things.
It seems from this article that the author believes men don’t want partners. They want doormats and servants. Is a partner really so threatening to your manhood?
Men do want partners, but not in the politically correct, ideologically driven, contemporary definition of the word. See Athol Kay (link below) for the healthiest and most realistic way to approach a committed relationship between a man and a woman. It’s called the Captain/First Mate arrangement and it reflects the reality of biology. Biology. Always. Wins.
“Doormats and servants?” The strawman logical fallacy is strong in you. “Threatening your manhood”? Really? You do realize that this is simply shaming language in order to stifle the message. Actually, you probably don’t realize this. You’re too intellectually weak. Just step away from your keyboard, you’re dumbing down the Internet.
I don’t let such comments leave moderation, that is my blog policy.