Bad Early Date Idea – The Music Concert

With old rock and roll bands still performing, there is a strong temptation to turn a music concert into a 2nd or 3rd date. Concerts were a big part our youth so it makes sense to bring a date to a concert. For the record and way back in the day, I did see Flock of Seagulls as the warm-up band for Squeeze. I didn’t bring a date and I wasn’t stoned.

The problem with The typical rock concert – even if performed by septuagenarians – is that it’s unspeakably loud.

“What?!”

“ROCK CONCERTS ARE LOUD!”

“WHAT?!”

This makes for a terrible place to connect with your date. Conversation simply can’t happen to any meaningful way. There is also the cost issue. Even a smaller venue can have some impressively expensive ticket costs. Expensive tickets don’t necessarily impress women.

Despite the loudness and expense, you insist on bringing a date to a rock concert because she told you about her favorite band and you’re too eager to impress her. That band is performing in a local arena so for a couple hundred bucks you snag some floor seats. You park ($?), get some snacks ($!), and find your seats. It’s hot and crowded. With the warm-up band done, the main act mounts the stage.

Your date stands up and practically rushes the stage. By the time she gets close to the stage, you’re a distant memory. Her complete focus is on the lead singer, a man she has idolized for decades. You’re now competing with a rock star for her attention. It’s too loud to talk, it’s too crowded to move about and there’s no way you’re going to wrest her away from the stage.

To see how a male performer can impact women during a live performance, regardless of age, Google up this search term: “tom jones panties on stage” and read some of the articles. These are not young women flinging their lingerie around and Sir Tom Jones is no young whippersnapper at 74 years old. Of course, if the performer is a solo female, this doesn’t apply. But why would a man pay for such a concert?

For you younger guys, the end of the show might make things worse. If your date is a serious hottie and wants to go back stage, you run the risk of some security dude whisking her off to “meet” the band. Yes, that happens and the stories sometimes surface on Reddit and no hilarity is involved, except for the band “meeting” the girl. It’s a seriously unpleasant scenario for a young man.

The first few dates should be about a venue where a connection can be explored and possibly pursued. Dinner dates are OK but lack originality. This is why a man must have a serious menu of options for dates. It’s the man’s responsibility to make dating plans, don’t question that. However, if a woman offers to cook for you at her place, do it. And don’t question that, either.

The “Lockdown” Factor And More Of My Mistakes

Monday was Saint Patrick’s day. Like many towns, there were parties and events and general merriment here in the village. I was out and about with my ugly dog, my hat, and a fine kilt. I was peacocking and I knew it. That established a good frame.

I was at the local convenience story to pick up a snack and spent a few moments with the young woman behind the counter, Nicole. The subject of age came up and I made a comment about my age status. Almost immediately, a woman came from behind the around the counter to within a couple of feet from me. I couldn’t see her because the display of ecigarettes blocked me view. I didn’t acknowledge her until she spoke up.

“How old do you think I am?”

Oh, please. Wow, just wow. Seriously? This is the bear trap shit test that most men happily step in to. She was very attractive, blonde, and in great shape. She looked much younger than her obvious (to me) 45 years old. Her smile was genuine and just about perfect. Her question did not put me off.

“I don’t play that game.” My laughing smirk was huge.

“You’re cute.”

“Damn right I am. Are you local?”

“Yes, I am.”

I extended my hands for the two-handed hand grab and introduced myself. “I’m Andrew”

“I’m Marsha”

“Then we will be seeing each other again.”

Then I made the big mistake. I turned and left the store. I’m not going to over-analyze my reasoning or rationalizing. This was a moment, a moment of attraction, a moment that every man needs to seize. I didn’t. Hindsight is always 20/20. The next day I purposely went back to the convenience store after work to talk to Nicole.

“Do you remember that blonde I was talking to last night?”

“Oh yes.”

“Has she stopped by?”

“No, I was hoping she would.”

“Have you ever seen her before? She said she was a local.”

“No… never seen her before.”

Holy crap, I really screwed up with Marsha. Lessons were learned, again.

“I didn’t even notice if she was wearing a wedding ring.” This was the second time I made this mistake in just a few short days. Learning be tough.

“I looked. She wasn’t wearing one.”

This is key. Having a location on lockdown means that people are looking out for you. Nicole made a point of looking at Marsha’s finger for a wedding ring. She did that for me because she liked me. If you don’t have a location on lockdown, no one is looking to help you. This always requires being friendly, nice, and a fun person to talk to. Those are skills that can be learned.

I pulled a quasi-Hail Mary and wrote my name and number on a piece of paper and gave it to Nicole in the hope that Marsha might return to the convenience store and ask about me. I’m not expecting to see Marsha again. Perhaps she was drunk that night and feeling bold. I know she was seeking validation for her attractiveness and that’s why she opened me with a shit test. Life happens. Life moves on.

Lessons learned:

  • Iron, hot, strike.
  • Lockdown, do it.
  • Never be ashamed to stand out
  • Get a damned dog.

ABC – Always Be Charismatic

I awoke very early this morning, despite it being a Saturday. My circadian rhythm is well established now. My dog, Lucy the ugly, started making noises at around 7:30AM while I sat and read blogs and tweets to keep up with recent world and Manosphere events. The dog needed to be walked. To be honest, she needed to be emptied. Dogs have a fluid build-up during the night. Those fluids must be expelled outdoors.

Casual clothes donned, with my fine hat, Lucy and I hit the sidewalk. Two or three minutes later, we were at the beach. Here’s a photo for all my readers living in northern climes:

Beach2

After my dog peed, I decided to grab breakfast at a local eatery. It has dog friendly outdoor seating. Lucy and I got settled in and the server gave me the menu. The server was a tall, slender middle age dame with a fine smile, long hair,  and a pleasant demeanor. It started.

“How are you?” That’s standard pleasant talk required by all restaurant servers.

“I’m perfect in every way.” I said firmly with a smirk on my face. Go big or go home. That’s a lesson from Danny and it’s incredibly important.

She smiled.

“And how are you?” she said as she bent down to let Lucy smell her face. Having a dog has completely transformed my social life here in the village.

“She’s ugly” I told her. That’s my go-to line and I used it four times while I was at breakfast when passers-by on the sidewalk stopped to comment about Lucy. All those commenting were dames.

“Oh no, she’s cute!” All the dames say that when I remark about my dog’s appearance. The lady server smiled at me after she said that and as she stood up. “Can I get her some water?”

“Please” I said simply.

She then walked away to fetch Lucy the water and to let me read the menu. When she returned to take my order and give Lucy a bowl of water, I was still looking at tweets on my phone and wasn’t quite ready to order. No matter, it was time to continue the rapport. For the sake of brevity, I won’t quote the whole conversation, but with some well-framed and brief “casual” questions I learned the following:

  • She was a local
  • She was originally from California
  • She left a bad marriage to start a new life here in south Florida.

She is educated (red flag: a middle aged restaurant server – it’s a nice place, but not fancy – with a good education is quite the contrast).

I told her that I wanted an omelette but then quickly changed the conversation.

“I’m going to call you Claire because you’re probably hiding from your ex.”

She laughed. “No, my ex knows where I am. I’m Nicolette”

“No, I’m sticking with Claire.” She smiled and left to give my food order to the kitchen. I’m fully conscious of my frame and what I’m doing. Christian McQueen talks of having clubs on “lockdown”. This means knowing the people who work there and being confident in your sense of place at a particular location. For him, those are particular nightclubs. For me, it’s my village (Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Florida) and all the businesses there. Such a lockdown is incredibly important for a man’s frame in a social context.

When she returned with my food, I used another of my go-to lines when wanting a date with a dame. It has worked almost every time.

“Claire, we’re going on a date.” You younger folks have no idea what a “date” is. Folks my age know what I’m talking about. As well, getting the date is not about asking, it’s about telling. The man takes the lead. He doesn’t ask, he states.

She smiled again. “I’m sorry, I’m re-married. I got divorced eight years ago.” Crap, I completely missed the wedding ring! The power of projection is strong within me. I simply shook my head. Oh well. Regardless I kept my frame and asked her about her working hours. She told me that she works most days and goes to school in the evenings. I asked what she was studying. “Addiction counseling” was her response. “Also, Biblical counseling.” I immediately thought of Sunshine Mary and Dalrock.

As business was slow, she had a few minutes. We talked about Biblical advice regarding relationships and about her Bible-based marriage. She knew all about Ephesians and that a wife is supposed to submit to her husband. She told me that her husband wore the pants but she picked them out. Interesting. She also said that her husband was the head in the relationship and that she was the neck. Someone needs to find her pastor and interview him. I told her about the Christian bloggers who supported the type of marriage that she had. All in all, it was a fine social interaction even though I didn’t get the date.

The lessons are these:

  • Have a place where your feel comfortable, confident, and that provides an opportunity to meet women or bring women to.
  • If a woman is comfortable answering personal questions, she’s either attracted to you of comfortable with you, hopefully both.
  • Charisma starts the moment you leave your private space and enter the public space.
  • Check her hand for a wedding ring.
  • Get a damned dog.

Here’s a photo of the parking restrictions in my village. A parking ticket is at least $25. This is why I walk. I’ll bet within two years that my town will have dog parking and give out tickets to dog owners whose dogs are parked in the wrong spot.

Parking

On a completely unrelated note – I have taken comments off moderation so anyone who has commented before can openly comment without me doing any screening. Be civil, dammit.

A Potential Online Dating Profile Photo Experiment

UPDATE – This photo is now the primary photo of my Plenty of Fish online dating profile (link in the blog post). Expect updates. This could get interesting.

I do not own that gun. This photo of me holding the assault rifle (FN-FAL) was the result of a visiting friend who brought over the fearsome firearm so as to show it to me. That was the first time I’ve ever held such a weapon and the big smile was the result of the sheer novelty.

GunPhoto1

Yes, I’ve fired guns in the past – on a gun range – but I am not an owner of such hardware. I would rather spend my money on other things. As well, I have little opinion about the politics surrounding firearms but I do understand the passion that both sides have regarding gun control legislation. My own enthusiasm will always be that of providing men and women with truthful advice about attraction and dating.

What some folks might notice – aside from the large assault rifle I’m clutching – is the ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, the traditional position for a wedding ring. The ring is the result of my trip to DragonCon last year  where I helped a friend with her exhibitor booth as she sold jewelry and those ultra-cool stainless steel rings (photos at the end of this blog post). I helped with the ring sales by putting in words and numbers on the outside of the ring by using a hammer and punch. I felt like Thor but on a much smaller scale. I have lots of those rings now and I wear them on any particular finger when my mood suits me, I sometimes wear several rings at once (pea-cocking?).

That very spur-of-the-moment photo provides a very unique opportunity for an online dating profile experiment. I have a mostly inactive online dating account on Plenty of Fish (PoF). I’ve not done any recent online dating mostly because of events related to health and pavement. But the profile is still out there. Wow, I just made that profile public.

I have the option to make the gun photo my primary profile photo and see what the response will be. Should I do this, here are my predictions:

  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, assault rifle. Again, I’m not political about this issue but I’m curious how a photo with this type of weapon will be received.
  • PoF receives complaints and my account is banned because, you know, “wedding” ring.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up yet they don’t notice the ring. Because, you know, assault rifle.
  • Women respond favorably to the gun photo and their attraction for me goes way up but they do notice the ring. Because, you know, “wedding” ring.

So, readers, what say you? Should I make the infamous gun and ring photo my primary online dating profile photo? Perhaps hilarity would ensue. Granted, I am a shockingly handsome fellow so the girlies will, of course, respond to that. I am just wondering how these “accessories” will impact my online dating experience.

DragonCon Photos

This is me in my friend’s DragonCon exhibitor booth. I am definitely looking awesome in that fine kilt and sporran.

I bought a new kilt and sporran to fit in. Damn, I look good.

This is the ring set up where I pretended to be Thor. We sold a shitload of those things and I got to work out my aggressions. Danny would be proud.

RingSetup[If you want to buy a ring, let me know. I can have any combination of words and letters punched on the outside of the ring. The number of characters is limited by the ring size and there is only one font. There are four different styles available. Contact me for more details. Seriously, these are cool rings and only $20 a pop plus shipping and handling.]

Online dating is the crucible of real attraction ‘twixt the sexes and it’s away from the prying eyes of political correctness. It is the behind the scenes action that reveals the true motivations of men and women alike. Read online dating profiles and be informed.

P.S. – Don’t forget to donate. Thanks!

It’s Not Fear Of Rejection, It’s Fear Of Punishment

I read many different Internet forums that deal with men’s issues as they relate to attraction and dating.  I was over at the A Voice for Men forum and found a devastatingly perceptive observation regarding why so many men don’t approach women. Here’s the post, in italics, that started the thread (in the Relations & Dating section of the forum).  My inline comments are in bold. I have some additional comments are under it.

I have a theory that the notion that “men fear rejection” is horribly misguided.

I was exploring my fears almost a year ago, and I realized: “Wait! I don’t fear rejection. I fear punishment!”

Fear of Rejection:

  • The fear that she might say “no,” and not be interested in having a sexual relationship with me.

Fear of Punishment:

  • The fear that she will express disgust or shaming or laughing towards me. That’s right girls, punish his ego.
  • The fear that she might tell her friends that I am a “creep,” and that the women will start spreading the word amongst themselves. This is good motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that my advance will be felt to be dangerous, or that my interactions with women will be felt as potentially dangerous, because I did not observe some cautionary signal that women are looking for but I don’t happen to know. More motivation to learn better social skills.
  • The fear that I will show up on the radar of white knights, who will then signal that I am “under watch,” warn women of my approach, interrupt future approaches, what have you. I loathe white knights.
  • The fear that I will lose social status, be laughed at, or shamed before the local community. This is huge and I have more comments on this below.

Other Fears:

  • The fear that she will make up in her mind that not only is she not interested now, but that she will decide that she will NEVER be interested. The writer of this thread post doesn’t yet understand that there are few, if any, second chances.

When I inventoried my fears, I realized that by far, the fear of punishment dramatically dwarfs the fear of rejection. Yet, we’re always hearing talk about how men “fear rejection,” and how it’s viewed as almost an insult to women: “You can’t handle that she might say no. You feel entitled to a yes, basically.” But that’s ridiculous.

Imagine that you had telepathic powers, and you could read a woman’s mind, to see if she would say “yes” or “no.” There would be no punishments issued, because she wouldn’t even know that you asked. Would you check to see her interest? I can’t speak for you, but for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I’d be constantly scanning most every woman around me, in order to find out, “Are you interested?” (..!) If I were afraid of the rejection itself, my answer should be “no.” But it’s NOT the rejection I’m afraid of. It’s the punishment.

I don’t hear anybody really talking about this, but I think that we should be talking about this more loudly.

I think we should be talking about all the ways that men are punished for doing the task that is assigned to men ANYWAYS. I am meaning how men are forced to be the ones to initiate, or else nothing’s ever happening for you. What sense does it make to force a person do a job, refuse to tell them how to do it “right,” and then dole out powerful punishments for doing it “wrong” ..? This is the most important paragraph in the thread post. Women won’t correctly tell a man how to approach a woman, that’s the Manosphere’s job.

I want us to be vigilant about making it safe for men to make sexual requests of women. And I want to get the word out that we need to be compassionate for boys and men who are making sexual requests. There’s this whole thing about shaming socially awkward men, especially socially awkward men who are making sexual requests. Yet these are the people who MOST need to make awkward sexual requests, so that they can develop to the point where they can make skilled sexual requests. I somewhat disagree. A man must learn better general social skills before he starts trying to be more assertive with his relationship goals.

My experience from talking with women is that they have simply NO CONCEPT of what the punishments are like for men. Norah Vincent wrote about this in “Self-Made Man,” and trying to explain to women what the situation was. I know a feminist woman who goes to bars in order to compete to make men cry  with her friends. I want men to go out there, and talk about the punishments. (I told several feminist women about this, and they said, “That’s not feminist! That’s not what a feminist would do!”, but… …they were all friends with the feminist who does this. They just weren’t aware that it was her.)

At the very least, whenever you hear the phrase “fear of rejection,” consider replacing the phrase with: “Fear of Punishment,” and think about what exactly are the things you are fearing having happened.

I think men are being made to take on too much crap from women, and I think men are too often serving as the servants of women in dishing out punishment and shame. I want us to push for more sensitive women. Me, too.

Us gents in the world of masculine self-improvement are continually extolling guys to have incredibly thick skins when it comes to approaching women. That makes sense when it’s only a simple rejection. Frankly, I had never considered these various punishments that might accompany a simple, polite rejection. Women – and girls, especially – do judge ferociously should the “wrong” guy approach. The thermonuclear rejection, “ewwww, as if!” is a form of emotional punishment meant to belittle a man’s ego.

For a guy established in the community and re-entering dating without adequate social skills and charisma is running a huge risk when he approaches a woman to see if there is a mutual attraction. She will likely be nice about the rejection but if she’s also part of the community and is social, she very well might assassinate his character to her friends, male and female. To me, this is the biggest punishment because it greatly reduces the man’s future chances to successfully approach other women. Likely, he won’t know why he is presumptively rejected without even a chance.

Fear of punishment is a huge reason for the popularity of online dating. If the approach can be made from the relative safety of the computer, the rejection can have far fewer punishments for the man. There’s a big caveat here. In smaller communities, there is a still the risk of punishment because women will communicate with each other. This applies to small geographical communities and/or online dating niche communities, like JDate (trust me, I know this from personal experience).

The next time a woman mocks men for the fear of rejection, I’ll be the first to speak up so I can say, “It’s not fear of rejection, it’s fear of punishment”. I urge other guys to do the same.

How To Meet Girls In Cold Weather

I lied.

I don’t know shit about this subject.

I live in south Florida.

But as a big part of this country is chillin’ in the deep freeze, I think it’s important that women and men know how to meet each other even though Mother Nature is seriously trying to kill y’all. I’ve done some preliminary research by asking some single guys in the cold climates. Here’s what I’ve found:

1. Try to meet women before the cold shuts down everything.
2. Use online dating as much as possible and keep your date venues close.
3. If you live in a city, reduce your real-life search geography as much as possible.

That’s all I’ve figured out. I now need the help of my readers. Please, if you have some good ideas how to meet the opposite sex even though the weather heaps contumely upon your heads, input via comments. Oh, and living in such a cold climate sucks donkey balls. Move out.

I’m Mulling Over A Crowdfunding Idea…

Crowdfunding represents a good opportunity for launching a business with small investments. My recent medical costs (despite health insurance) hit me pretty hard and sucked out all my bootstrapping funds. I’m not letting that deter me. I’m passionate about what I’m doing here so I’m moving ahead once again with a different tactic. The strategy remains the same.

I’m looking to recharge my business of offering live and fun classes and events for post-divorce men and women to help them realize their relationship goals. This means teaching them the (sometimes uncomfortable) truths about attraction and dating. I’ve already done one class with great success. My regular readers already know this.

I’d like to do a whole bunch more classes/events here in the south Florida market and beyond. This requires serious marketing and that doesn’t come cheap. I am not a marketing person nor do I want to be one. I’m the guy in front of the audience making people laugh and helping them learn the truth about attraction and dating. I’m extremely good in front of an audience with lots of experience. I need to hire a freelance marketing person. There are also some other expenses but compared to marketing (that includes advertising), those are minor. I need to get some better video equipment, a fancy projection monitor, a screen, and some other things.

This is not a one-on-one coaching business but individual clients can be accepted. The problem with one-on-one coaching is that there are a finite number of hours in a day and that limits business growth. Classes are much more scalable, from small groups to large halls. Also, classes can be held in other cities with other instructors/entertainers because the curriculum is consistent. The target market is both men and women so clearly this is not a “pick up artistry” bootcamp for young men. I want people to laugh and learn in a live environment to help them with this whole Dating 2.0 thing.

The business website has been up and running for awhile – www.redpilldating.com. However, I will be rebranding the business to Dating 2.0 (The URL will be Dating2-0.com). I got sidetracked for several months but it looks like I’ll live so it’s time to move ahead with previous plans. The return for the small investments will be free copies of the first book (in progress) and two free seats to any class at any time or free access to any premium videos or paid webinars I might produce.

Please note that I want to focus on live events. We’re all so gung ho on making money from the Internet we forget that attraction and dating happens out there in the real world.  This is why singles Meetup.com events are becoming so popular. Such events are an opportunity for people to actually see and interact with each other in person.  Singles need to move away from the computer screens, passively watching dating advice videos or webinars.  Yes, I will be partnering with local meetup singles groups. They are always looking for fun live events and I’m just the guy for that.

My readers are a bright and savvy bunch so your feedback is especially welcome. If an individual investor wants to get involved on a more formal basis, email me so we can talk further.

Long Commentary On Red Pill Understanding Of Attraction

I spend way too much time reading stuff on the Internet. I read dating blogs, feminist blogs, Manosphere blogs, all of it. I’ve been involved in Reddit (http://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/) for a few months now and found an excellent comment on another subreddit (in response to another comment). This guy is an excellent example of how a man can improve himself.

I had always been the kind of guy to believe that just being a good person and treating women nicely was enough to attract them. I had a horrible time with women. When I got a girlfriend who stuck with me for awhile I clung to her, proposed, married her, and had a horrible 9 year marriage, the whole time trying harder and harder to please her. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend. I left her shortly after finding out.

I was determined to understand how to attract quality women better. I don’t mean easy lays; I mean the cream of the crop: smart, attractive, funny, friendly, loving, competent, charming. I read a ton of books on the subject and it was all gimmicks. Nothing actually explained why women were different from men and what actually attracts them. Certainly they aren’t attracted to men in the same way that men are attracted to women. That was very apparent to me for a long time, and is obvious throughout nature (sexual dimorphism).

Then I read a few scientific books on the matter: Sperm Wars (Robin Baker), The Mating Mind (Geoffrey Miller), and Red Queen (Matt Ridley). It all started falling into place. Having read The Selfish Gene and being knowledgeable in system dynamics and game theory, I understood the natural selection pressures that make our attractions different. But this still didn’t give me insight into how to attract higher quality women.

When researching more books of the like I found these above books common on reading lists for something called PUAs. (This was 2005. I had no idea what it was.) In particular, these lists seemed related to somebody called David DeAngelo who had an ebook called “Double Your Dating”. OK, sounded like more of the earlier self-help crap I ran into, but the link to these books I had already read had me intrigued. I got his ebook and loved it, then got his Advanced Dating Series (audio) (and later Mastery Series).

Wow. Everything clicked into place. While the goal was about improved dating, David kept re-focusing everybody back again and again to it being about improving yourself as a man and becoming the type of man who attracted women. Not by being fake, but by becoming a better person. Being better includes treating women in ways they actually like and respond to. “Being yourself” is an empty yet common statement since we aren’t static. We all change and you can change for the better by better understanding how things work, whether philosophy, politics, social well-being, and relationships. And I did just that.

I began to experiment. I became more playful, more teasing, more mysterious. Some were great, some failed miserably, but all were educational. I remember one experiment where I was out with a bunch of friends in a pub as we did every week or two, and I just brought along a candy sucker. I had it in my mouth all evening. I’d take it out to sip beer and talk, then put it back in. I never said a word about it or acted like it was out of the ordinary. I had women coming up to me asking about it, including the cute bartender we saw every week who had never said much to me before. Now we had a great conversation.

I learned sexual banter and witty remarks, and why women actually like this. I also learned signals for when they don’t like it. In fact, I learned about hidden signals in general (hair flipping, touching necks, smiles, looks, stances, and so on). I got really good at it.

See, courtship isn’t not a job interview with a resume. It is a dance. That means knowing how to lead, follow, and read cues and respond accordingly. And none of these signals can be blatant or obvious or they lose all value as evaluation proxy signals for mating value. That’s a key point of sexual selection.

And I read a lot of other PUA material like Mystery, Style (Neil Strauss, author of The Game), and a few others. They were fine but they only touched on the why basics and then focused on the gimmick techniques too much with too little about it being part of becoming a better man. I did like Mystery’s 9-stage diagramming system as a means to keep it organized in my mind, as I am a visual person with an expertise in system behaviour, so these diagrams are helpful.

Did it get me laid? Sure. But quite the opposite of what the above comment suggests. Because I got better at being an attractive man, I was able to attract higher quality women, not lower quality women. When learning to dance you’ll only get low quality partners. As you improve in your dance you can move up to the top quality ones.

And I did. Within a year and a half I was dating one of the nicest women I had ever met who also happened to be a model and one of the most gorgeous I had know. Never in my life did I believe that could happen. She took my breath away and we got serious for awhile. After a few months it didn’t work out for unrelated reasons, but it was a great time.

Shortly thereafter I met my dream girl. She was gorgeous, friendly, intelligent, charming, funny, and perfect in every way I could imagine. What’s better is how we met. We started discussing dating online months before I met her. I talked to her at great length about all of the things in the PUA material. After meeting, I even listened to David DeAngelos material with her and got her to read Mystery’s ebook. She agreed with most of what they said. She absolutely loved discussing this material and how it can help men become better at dating.

That was in 2007. A week from today will be our 5th wedding anniversary and we have two young children. I am still deeply in love with her (and vice versa) and she is still my dream girl. And we still like to talk about dating and courtship and this material. (We still refer to things as DLV and DHV – Demonstration of Lower/Higher Value, as per Mystery’s system.)

And I still use it with her. When things start seeming a little stale in our marriage, I re-learn some of that material. Things like how women like mystery and surprise, and having the man make the arrangements. (One early epiphany for me was when David D said that women tend to prefer to be in a restaurant they don’t like eating food they don’t like but the man made the arrangements and surprised her, than to be in her favorite restaurant eating her favorite food but she had to tell him what to do, or worse, to make the arrangements herself.)

So this is why I think the above comment is mostly wrong. I am a better person now. I am more attractive to women in general and my wife specifically. I increased the quality of woman I attracted, not lowered. I found high-quality girlfriends, not just one-night stands, and a wife. And women, knowing all of this, are not “laughing their asses off” at me. In fact, it is a bigger attractor. I feel more confident, I understand more, and perhaps most importantly I can better communicate with, understand, and keep my wife interested and happy. None of this would be possible hand I just kept thinking the same way I used to even though I was kind, empathetic, and a genuine person then. I am still a kind, empathetic, and genuine person.

Does TheRedPill have good info in this respect? I can’t tell since I don’t subscribe to it. I’ve looked briefly and it’s stated goal of being better men seems appropriate, and there is some good material in there, but of course some cheap, sexist material mixed in and at least occasionally too much “I’m a better alpha than you” type competitions. That’s why David D had to keep reminding everyone about the importance of the goal of being a better man. (The “inner game”, as he’d call it, vs the “outer game” which is skills.) However, in general, PUA material has plenty of good stuff if you keep the goal in mind and interpret it in that context. I do highly recommend David D, at least the Advance Dating Series and Mastery Series.

This doesn’t mean I think the above comment is a complete failure. If your goal is to become a better man with women in general, as I have, then I think the comment is wrong, particularly if you keep that goal in mind as you read and review PUA material.

If your goal is to just get cheap lays, then obviously the above comment fails since the criticisms is actually your goal.

Where the above comment may have value is if your goal is to become a better person and attract higher quality women, but you ignore those aspects of PUA material, focus on the techniques, and apply them in a disingenuous manner. Then they will laugh at you. But the solution is use the material to become a better man. You can be kind, empathetic, and genuine and sill very lousy at attracting women, as many friendzoned men are. You want to be those things and be good at the “dance” of courtship.

That will mean so much more than being a lonely, but good person, or settling for whatever woman you manage to get by fumbling through bad courtship. I did that for 9 years and it sucked. Learning how to attract quality women is one of the best things you could ever do to improve your life. At our wedding I said in my speech that I wasn’t lucky to have found my wife because luck had nothing to do with it. I simply kept my standards as high as possible and it was inevitable that I’d marry the only woman who could meet them. That sounds like line, but I actually meant it seriously. She is the highest quality woman I’ve ever met, and I’d never have married her if I followed the above comment advice.

Dating Advice Gone Bad

I usually don’t criticize dating coaches directly. I support all successful dating coaches because they are performing a valuable social function, especially in regards to educating their clients about the essential truths regarding attraction and dating. A successful dating coach is an excellent counter-balance to the vast amounts of politically correct (and damaging) dating advice that permeates the media and Internet like a lethal virus.

Through the miracle of Twitter, I was alerted to the most recent blog post from Miss Solomon and her dating coach business, “The Dating Truth”. The title of the blog post says it all, “WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS IN DATING”. Her full post is here. Overall, the blog post is rather disjointed. The lengthy quote in the beginning of Miss Solomon’s blog post is simply feel-good stuff with the purpose of making the female readers, well, feel good. You go, grrl! It has little to do with the reality of attraction and dating.

For the rest of her blog post, my comments are in boldface. I’m keeping my tone as reasonable as possible because I’m sure Miss Solomon means well, she’s simply lost her focus on this one post because many of her other blog posts are truthful and reasonable.

In dating, women are incredibly apologetic. We’re sorry when we react emotionally, we’re ashamed when we’re single at a certain age and we compete for men who let us humiliate ourselves in the name of love.

There’s nothing wrong with being apologetic. That’s a sign of humility, a wonderfully attractive feminine characteristic. Sometimes, women do get too emotional and apologies are important. Practicing emotional self-control is the best tactic. Emotional self-control is the hallmark of a mature adult. Finally, women do compete for the most attractive men. This is a firm reality of Dating 2.0 and the nature of attraction. Not liking that is like not liking the sun rising in the East.

Why?

Women don’t see themselves as equal to men in dating. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that we are chosen by men and we have to do everything we can to be “his choice” and when we’re not we find ways to apologize to the world for it.

Women and men are so different that equality in the context of dating is pointless, frustrating, and self-defeating. There is no “conditioning” The attractive men certainly do the choosing in regards to relationship commitment. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. This is biology. This is DNA. This is not “conditioning”.

Adding a little feminism in dating isn’t about the woman paying for the date. It doesn’t mean women should ask men out more often or have sex casually. Being a feminist in your love life means giving both sexes the right to want and participate in a loving relationship.

Miss Solomon needs to dial down the hypocrisy. She demands equality in one breath and then appeals to natural gender behaviors in the next breath. She must pick one. Men will find that consistency quite appealing. Better still, men will happily pay for the first few simple dates if the woman understands and embraces her femininity (call the PC police!).

Miss Solomon can either embrace feminism or repudiate it. Given that she is a business-person and her capitalistic endeavors are based on the profit-motive, she must repudiate (diplomatically) feminism. If not, she can write for XOJane and wallow in the filth of that website’s political correctness. That won’t be so good for business.

Start to view a man as a partner and not the master of your marital destiny. It’s not the complete responsibility of the woman to be good enough, or make the relationship work or to compromise more.

Let’s be honest, men are the deciders, the selectors, the choosers when it comes to relationship commitment. With that in mind, it is the woman’s responsibility to be good enough. It is she who must bring something to the dating and relationship table if she wants to fulfill her relationship goals. This becomes more and more important as men and women age.

I understand the nature of marketing. Every dating coach and PUA “systems” dude has to deal with it. This is why I cut a lot of slack regarding those marketing messages: “Three simple tricks to [make him commit... three simple tricks to get her into your bed]” I have signed up for many email marketing campaigns and such messages are common. This is business, nothing more.

I do hope that Miss Solomon is successful and that her blog post was an unfortunate exception. She has a business and she is financially bound to give successful attraction and dating advice. She might not like it. Her clients will not like it… but the truth always wins out.

Middle Age Men, Fashion, And “Average” – A Rant

Guys, you dress terribly. Your clothes are outdated. Your clothes don’t fit. Your clothes tell the world that you simply don’t give a shit. You’re over 45, dress like you fucking care! I am embarrassed for you. The most damning insult I will give is this:

You look average.

Before my male readers get all defensive, do know that the beachside village where I live is not the zenith of fashion. I live in the culture of leisure and it shows in how the men dress ’round these parts. It’s pathetic. Even so, when I venture out and about into the working world (daily), I see way too much average and see almost nothing of masculine fashion style. It’s awful.

There is dearth of fashion resources for a middle age man to consult. Dressing “younger” is not the answer. Even that bastion of mature man ethos, Esquire magazine, is chock full of young guys wearing the hippest clothes. That’s fine for young guys. My readers aren’t those guys. Note: If my readers have good resources, chime in via the comments.

The poor fashion sense of middle age guys is indicative of a deeper and far more difficult problem. It’s an insidious emotional cancer based on a social expectation that finds masculinity something evil and to be suppressed. It’s this:

“Shut up and be average”

There’s that word again, “average”. A man should never be average. Average is the mortal enemy of confidence. Average is why most men live lives of quiet desperation. Average prevents men from approaching women. Average is fear and fear is not masculine. Average keeps men down. Women loathe average in a man. Yet if you simply look at how men dress, it’s apparent that men actually want to be average. I’m disgusted.

If a man wants to fulfill his relationship goals, average is the worst thing to be. Average is a corollary to “be nice, be yourself” and practically forces women to ignore him. Being ignored by women is the opposite of masculine charisma.

And about your hair. For that, you deserve an open-handed slap to the face.

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