A Scene At A Wedding Reception

Note: All the names have been changed.

I had the opportunity to attend a beach wedding recently. It was in Key West and I was the official date of a female friend of mine. Logistically, the whole thing worked out well. The drive down was mostly uneventful except my friend’s expensive speeding ticket. We arrived in Key West and checked in to a nice bed and breakfast right on Duval Street. For those not in the know, Duval Street is the main drag where all the partying happens. It’s very serious partying.

The first evening we were there, my friend ran into a colleague from years ago. The colleague was a high powered career woman without kids who had married a decent guy over a decade ago. This was Kristen and Dave. The four of us are all roughly the same age, 40s and 50s, and got along well. I mentioned my blog in passing when asked about what I do.

The following day, the beach wedding went off without a hitch. We met up again with Kristen and Dave, this time at the wedding reception at a “rustic” waterfront bar. Think Buffet style, not Warren but Jimmy. It’s Key West, after all. Over drinks and copious food, Kristen asked me a question, “So what’s your blog about?”

“I help men become more attractive to women so these guys can meet their relationship goals”.

That’s my standard and consistent response when I am asked about my blog.

“What’s it called?”

“The Private Man, you can Google it.”

My friend nodded and smiled. She likes what I write. Kristen and Dave seemed intrigued. The conversation shifted for a few minutes where Kristen and my friend caught up on connections and people from the years past when they worked together. Then Dave piped up. He had been searching for my blog on his smart phone.

“I found it.” He then started reading my most recent post about the TV show audition.

The conversation soon started up about alimony. Kristen was of the mind that alimony was fundamentally wrong. I gave her credit for that. She recommended that I read a recent Time magazine article about alimony reform and the 2nd Wives Club. She didn’t know that I had been following this particular issue for years.

At some point soon after, Dave’s cell phone rang with a call from his adult son. He had to find a quiet place to talk on the phone, leaving Kristin, my friend, and me to talk during the busy reception. Kristen soon stood up to fetch another drink from the bar. Now things got interesting. Each time I went the bar, I asked my friend if she wanted anything. I noticed that Dave’s drink was empty and I said, “You should get your husband a drink.” The gesture she gave in return was disrespectful and rude.

She waved her hand away and gave a dismissive facial expression as she turned her back on me as she faced the closely available bartender.

“Give the guy some respect!” I said loudly at her back.

The whole scene took only seconds. To her, it was a throw-away gesture of casual disrespect towards her husband. It was the equivalent of an eye-roll. It was two seconds that vividly demonstrated the current state of relationships between wives and husbands in the realm of marriage 2.0.

Yes, I was being too sensitive. I was deciding to be too sensitive. I was putting on a lens of offensivity. But I didn’t know that until I said to my friend “I’m going to blog about this”. She witnessed the scene between Kristen and me.

“See what she does.”

Yes, actions over words. My friend gets it. Perhaps Kristen would get the drink (an open bar!) and the scene would be over without further and unnecessary drama. I watched. Kristen got her own drink and sat down without a drink for her husband.

This would need to go further.

A few moments later, it was time for me to get another drink. Dave had not returned as he was still talking to his son. I ordered my own drink and then ordered one for Dave because I knew what he was drinking. With both drinks in hand, I turned so I could get back to our table, a short few feet away. Just then, Dave showed up. As we were both standing, I gave him his drink. “Here’s a drink for you.” I made sure that both Kristen and my friend could see what was going on.

Kristen responded immediately. “So, are you dating my husband?!” (or, words to that effect.)

Boom! Shaming language*. Because she used shaming language, it was clear that Kristen was caught out in her disrespect for her husband when I gave him that drink. For Kristen to express humility was not an option. The social expectation forced her to make a useless attempt at shame towards me. She could have said “I’m sorry Dave, I should have gotten you a drink.” For any woman reading this, feminine humility is savagely attractive, even more so when a wife expresses it towards a husband. It will make a man melt. It will turn him into a gracious and delighted man.

Dave was appreciative. “Thank you!” His gratitude was honest. Perhaps he had never experienced such a gesture. I never looked at Kristen because she and I both knew how that interaction went down. It was not in her favor given her disrespect and selfishness. Later, my friend called it “just rude”.

This is the cultural miasma of misandry. Men are afforded little respect. We’re supposed to “man up and take it.” It’s worse for husbands. Kristen’s casual wave of dismissal is an example of it. She is committed to Dave yet the small act of getting a free drink was somehow beyond (beneath?) her. I don’t know the dynamics of their marriage so I don’t know if that’s a common pattern of behavior for them. I am focusing on that one gesture.

When the four of us got to chatting after that small scene, I was very determined about sticking up for men. At one point in the conversation I actually stood up and spread my arms loudly stating “I always stand up for men, I’m a masculinist!” I got some dirty looks. With such bombast, I knew I was running a social risk and might piss off my friend. I took that risk and there were no consequences except some interesting talk between us later in the evening.

As a writer who supports masculinity, I don’t take well to disrespect to men. I know that women are apt to slander men and I urge all my readers to speak up when men are being bashed merely for the act of being a man. Simply “Manning up and taking it” can’t work anymore. It’s time for push back.

A direct note to “Kristen” and “Dave”: You will likely read this blog post because you know about my blog. This post will likely cause you discomfort. You might even get offended and defensive. That’s the price I pay for the candor and honesty of my observations and advice. Before you read the comments, be aware that some of my commenters have very strong views on topics like this and their language will not be so measured. Am I overreacting? Perhaps. Know that I am very keenly aware and very sensitive to the dynamics between men and women, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends.

* Shaming language is simply an insult that is used to deflect focus away from a particular discussion/debate topic. When it is used, it almost always means that the person doing the shaming is in the wrong and doesn’t want to deal with it logically or rationally. It is a verbal tactic used by both genders constantly.

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  1. #1 by ANorthernObserver on July 8, 2013 - 6:31 PM

    What’s really sad about this story is that “Kristen”‘s disdain and disrespect of her husband directly affects her in that “Dave” won’t be nearly as motivated to be the kind of man who’d make her a very happy woman.

    It’s almost like punching yourself in the face to spite your own nose.

    • #2 by Yep It's Me on July 10, 2013 - 2:45 PM

      Not so my young padawan, “Dave” may just over-react the “if it doesn’t work this time, two dozen roses will really do the trick” mentality. I did it. I still do it, My (ex)wife wanted to move to xxxxx (city redacted), we were separated at the time, I paid her expenses to travel there and even had flowers sent there about 1/2 way through (from the kids of course), just to make sure she FELT loved and missed. Of course, she wanted to move there and take my kids with her – and I was there giving her all the resources to do just that. “Dave” is just a guy, someone that has become conditioned to his environment, and probably believes his own (and her) bullshit.

      • #3 by ANorthernObserver on July 10, 2013 - 3:07 PM

        Read what I wrote again – Dave will not be motivated to be the kind of man who can make her happy. While she may get what she “wants”, or “Dave” may do the beta double-down, neither of these actions will result in a happy “Kristen”.

  2. #4 by steeniee on July 8, 2013 - 7:14 PM

    As a woman I agree wholeheartedly! It was disrespectful of her and in my opinion speaks volumes of the sense of entitlement Kristen has. If you have a partner in any form, be it marriage, cohabitation, or serious dating, it’s imperative that one another help each other- even in the small gesture of refilling one’s FREE drink! On a date I will often buy a round for the both of us just out of common courtesy. It’s a sad commentary on how some men are taken for granted by wives/partners and this guy will be looking for someone who appreciates him elsewhere in the future!
    Thanks for sharing PM!

  3. #5 by BC on July 8, 2013 - 7:30 PM

    Question to PM:
    As you observed during the course of the evening, did Dave ever get a drink for Kristen or otherwise perform some small action of consideration toward her? If he did, what was her reaction? If not, why not? (i.e., did the opportunity simply not arise, or has he been ‘trained’ by her not to?)

  4. #6 by Hermitsy on July 8, 2013 - 7:31 PM

    It’s imminent that Dave will be groomed into an eunuch by shaming him to “man up” whist his wife goes on to bang the yoga teacher. And apparently he will have to stick around with his severed balls “for the sake of children.”

  5. #7 by Richard Cranium on July 8, 2013 - 7:53 PM

    I know of many a married man that puts up with all kinds of crap like this and frequently much worse. When I ask them why they accept that treatment they simply shrug and say “Well that’s just how it is you wouldn’t understand.”

    The most amusing part is the guys with the fat loudmouth abusive wives are the ones that have given me the most grief because I refuse to sign up for that nonsense.

  6. #8 by Frank on July 8, 2013 - 9:04 PM

    The problem is we live in a society that can’t even come to terms with the fact that such a thing as misandry is real. Note the reaction here http://getoffmyinternets.net/forums/lifestyle-bloggers/geeks-journey/ to my blog, where I write about marriage and why it’s such a raw deal for men. Misandry is considered a myth that only exists in the minds of men who can’t get laid.

    When women think like that, no matter how poorly they treat men, it’ll never dawn on them that they are showing hatred and disrespect, because there’s no such thing. More men need to have enough respect for themselves not to put up with that nonsense.

  7. #9 by deti on July 8, 2013 - 11:21 PM

    PrivateMan’s handling of this situation is probably the best I’ve seen yet. He was direct and bold without being disrespectful. He also deftly handled it in an outcome-independent manner with his date.

    So, PM, how many shit tests do you think this performance deflected? His date saw him stand up for himself without being a dick; and shut down a woman’s rudeness without being rude back. PM also subtly showed his date in no uncertain terms that she was NOT going to get away with treating him the way Kristen treated Dave; and that any attempt on her part to do so would meet with swift, certain and forceful pushback.

    Well played, PM.

    Kristen: You’re rude and disrespectful. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

    • #10 by adiaforon on July 9, 2013 - 6:15 AM

      She should be ashamed of herself. But, alas, there’s no societal mechanism in place where she WOULD be ashamed.

    • #11 by Richard Cranium on July 11, 2013 - 8:04 PM

      I do commend you PM for speaking up and not just letting it slide like most would. I nearly derailed a family reunion a few years ago when a female relative I hadn’t seen in 20 years kept badgering me about when I was gonna get married and have kids. After repeated attempts to get her to drop it I finally blew up at her and put her in her place. Of course I was the bad guy but I had had enough of her nonsense and didn’t care at that point.

  8. #12 by Apollo on July 9, 2013 - 4:12 AM

    “Kristen was of the mind that alimony was fundamentally wrong.”

    Kristen doesnt happen to make more than Dave by any chance?

    The drinks thing is rude. Perhaps its a culture thing, but here even acquaintances drinking together get drinks for each other when they make a trip to the bar. Not doing something for your spouse thats expected even from people who dont even know each other well… very poor form.

  9. #13 by Ton on July 9, 2013 - 5:18 AM

    You can bet Kristen was on her best behavior while out in public. Just like you can bet she made sure she was at her best physcial appearances as well.

    The reasonable two reasons I keep interactions with women to the short term:

    #1 women are fundamentally incapable of long term loyalty. sexual and otherwise.
    #2 women are fundamentally incapable of showing respect over the long term

    Leastwise in societies that are against men using their pimp hand to keep women in line.

  10. #14 by thepatriotblogspot on July 9, 2013 - 8:56 AM

    One has to wonder what Dave sees in such a vile, hateful, execrable creature!

    • #15 by Richard Cranium on July 12, 2013 - 1:16 PM

      I’ve asked several guys that same question and the response I usually get is a half-hearted “Umm well uhh she has sex with me”. I said every day and it’s “umm well once in a while”. So getting a sniff every couple of months is worth all that? No thanks.

  11. #16 by Robert Goldstein (@rgoltn) on July 9, 2013 - 10:07 AM

    It is sad. Being a married man of 18+ years, I see fewer of around these days. I have seen my fair share of ‘Kristens’ too. They think they are the sh*t with a big paycheck and corporate status. I have a buddy who married a ‘Kristen.’ She was all about her career and status and my buddy was successful too. Over time, she became a royal bitch and my buddy grew tired of her arrogance. They divorced with no kids. Shoot forward 18 months and my buddy, age 52, is dating a rockin’ 33 year old and cannot be happier. She is smart, funny and very cool. My wife loves her too. His ex? Still single; on Match.com, but never dates. She likes to travel with her GF’s and posts pics all over FB like she is living the life. She has become ‘Alpha’ and pays for her GF’s all the time and buys them gifts etc. My wife jokes that she is their ‘Sugar Daddy.’

  12. #17 by Johnny Caustic on July 9, 2013 - 10:45 AM

    Some women have been convinced by feminism that it is beneath them to serve their man in any way. Such women are doomed; they will never be able to have a fulfilling relationship of any great length with any man whatsoever. Unless they realize their mistake and have the humility to repent and change.

    Of course, I don’t know whether Kristen is in that boat. Perhaps she’s just not into Dave any more. Either way, if she continues to behave with such contempt, the marriage is nothing but an empty shell.

  13. #18 by Rollo Tomassi on July 9, 2013 - 11:44 AM

    http://therationalmale.com/2011/10/18/the-honor-system/

    For the past 60 years feminization has built in the perfect Catch 22 social convention for anything masculine; The expectation to assume the responsibilities of being a man (Man Up) while at the same time denigrating asserting masculinity as a positive (Shut Up). What ever aspect of maleness that serves the feminine purpose is a man’s masculine responsibility, yet any aspect that disagrees with feminine primacy is labeled Patriarchy and Misogyny.

    Essentially, this convention keeps beta males in a perpetual state of chasing their own tails. Over the course of a lifetime they’re conditioned to believe that they’re cursed with masculinity (Patriarchy) yet are still responsible to ‘Man Up’ when it suits a feminine imperative. So it’s therefore unsurprising to see that half the men in western society believe women dominate the world (male powerlessness) while at the same time women complain of a lingering Patriarchy (female powerlessness) or at least sentiments of it. This is the Catch 22 writ large. The guy who does in fact Man Up is a chauvinist, misogynist, patriarch, but he still needs to man up when it’s convenient to meet the needs of a female imperative.

  14. #19 by LS on July 9, 2013 - 4:06 PM

    There was a time when spouses, even when they personally got along with each other like cats and dogs, would still show respect for each other in a public setting.

    Disrespecting your significant other in public is a huge red flag to me regarding an individual’s character.

  15. #20 by ianironwood on July 9, 2013 - 4:07 PM

    I’ve known way too many Kristens, and far too many Daves. Here’s my analysis: when married women are in groups with other women (particularly single), then it becomes a power play to demonstrate one woman’s superior social position over another by how much she can command a man, and further by steadfastly not acting submissive or subservient. Your average feminist eats this shit up — the average dude cringes.

    TPM did an admirable job attempting to call out Kristen’s behavior and introduce Dave to the Manosphere. My only criticism is not using the standard “. . ., Cupcake!” suffix when calling her out, although I admit that this might not be appropriate even in a casual wedding.

    To all the Kristens of the world: we’re watching. You might think you’re shit smells like roses when you snub the man who agreed to share your life in such a disrespectful manner, but when we see that happen to a dude we get just a little angrier. You treat your husband with all due respect, or he won’t be your husband for long.

  16. #21 by Tam the Bam on July 9, 2013 - 5:11 PM

    Just to dribble a little battery acid into the punchbowl ..
    .. it struck me that one vector of the playoff that Monsieur Privat witnessed was
    “Dave’s cell phone rang with a call from his adult son”
    which since
    “The four of us are all roughly the same age, 40s and 50s”
    is not about to happen between them any time soon, unless Madame also has random offspring sequestered about the place.
    I mean Dave’s not a fightin’ Irish kind of drinker is he? One too many and it’s “come out ye Black and Tans” all over the shop? (Which is a very real reason for wives &c. to go soft pedal on the drink for the men, round here).

  17. #22 by ANorthernObserver on July 9, 2013 - 9:57 PM

    Reblogged this on A Northern Observer.

  18. #23 by Eyzaplentee on July 21, 2013 - 11:39 PM

    This post deserves to become legendary. There’s a lot of subtle magic in so ably illustrating red pill thought with something apparently as innocuous as the drinks issue. It’s somehow even more telling than more blatant, brazen manifestations of female entitlement and misandry. Chekhov meets the manosphere.

  1. A Scene At A Wedding Reception « PUA Central
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  3. Shaming Language | Evil Weasel
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  6. Respecting the Alpha | Watching Rome Burn

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