There are two reasons. First, there are these words – “polite company”. It’s really rather simple. When we discuss dating in polite company (Ed – not while actually on a date), we tell each other lies. We tell each other what we are expected to say, not the actual truth of the matter. Worse, we believe the words. This is not a gender issue, it’s a polite company issue. In our zeal to avoid offending our delicate sensibilities, we set ourselves up for failure.
The results are predictable. As we believe those pretty lies (HT, Heartiste), our expectations become unrealistic. So then frustration and disappointment sets in when faced with the reality of meeting new people with the intent of dating. The contrast between the pretty lies and the actual dating process is big and ugly. It’s where words and actions never seem to meet.
The second reason dating sucks is the word “deserve”. We tell each other that we deserve to have everything we want in the opposite sex. Women tell this to each quite often as a way of bolstering egos and soothing hurt feelings. Ellen tells her perpetually single friend that she deserves a great man. The single friend internalizes that concept and dating success continues to elude her.
Men, however, can also have this attitude but it’s not expressed verbally nearly as often. Witness the whole “nice guy” social phenomenon. Men have been told to “be nice” and he will be more attractive to women. The man internalizes that and his attitude shifts to “I’m nice so I deserve this particular woman”. Love and laughter do not ensue for him.
It’s time for some candor. Men and women deserve nothing when it comes to dating the opposite sex. If we deserve anything, we deserve to know the truth about attraction and dating. Everything else, especially dating, requires effort in order to achieve success.
Yes, dating is horrible. But it doesn’t have to be. Armed with the truths about how men and women are actually attracted to each other, we have a fighting chance of actually reaching our relationship goals. The truth is coming out through blogs like this, self-published books, and a growing number of dating coaches willing to confront the social expectations of “polite company”.