Finding “Chemistry”

Note: This was my sixth blog post (out of almost 350 total) and I wrote it back in February of 2011, long before my blog become somewhat popular. The information still holds quite true and I haven’t changed anything in the blog post.

The word “chemistry” the most overused word in all the online dating profiles. This is especially true for the over 40 crowd of women. They all so desperately seek chemistry. I am quite tempted to include a photo of a chemistry set in my online dating profile with the caption, “Look ladies, I gots da chemistry!” I doubt anyone will get the joke.

Chemistry for a woman is her conscience acknowledgment that she will have sex with you. That’s all there is to it. When she feels chemistry, her vagina tingles and she’s mentally planning a sexual encounter with you. Men aren’t the only ones thinking with their reproductive organs. If you connect with her on a more intellectual and emotional level, she’s not only planning for sex, she’s planning her new life with you.

It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually. Sadly, I can’t vouch for this. I do know that the demands for “chemistry” are omnipresent in the online dating profiles. I would say that women want to know within the first few seconds of meeting and they actively look for men who would make them feel the swift torrent of sexual desire on the first meeting. This is what the whole first date bullshit is all about. She wants to know quickly and efficiently if you are a potential sexual partner.

Before you get all excited about the prospect of sexual chemistry, you have to understand that even the most sexually liberated woman isn’t going to welcome you into bed on the first date. Consider the awesome power of social expectations. A nice lady doesn’t jump a man’s bones unless some element of the dating ritual is completed. And while she might know in the first few seconds of the date that there’s going to be some nookie at some point, she is not going to reveal that fact overtly. Proper ladies of a certain age don’t do that sort of thing. Oh, there will be only passing discussion of the hypocrisy that many of these proper ladies were complete and utter floozies in their youth.

So here we have you on a date and you feel a strong sexual desire for the women sipping wine with you. You want her bad. Maybe she wants you just as badly but she’s being coy. She’s not the type of girl, after all. Never mind the threesome she had with her roommate and her boyfriend way back in college. She was drunk. And he was really, really cute. Oh, and forget her experiences with swinging with her second ex-husband. That was just a phase and while it might have been a lot of fun, she’s not like that anymore. She’ll sip her wine and gaze at you, her lady parts smoldering away. How do you know she’s smoldering? Read the next paragraph twice.

The question for you is, have you learned to read body language and non-verbal cues? If you haven’t, your dating life is going to be simply wretched and you will be wailing and gnashing your teeth on a regular basis. Frankly, if you don’t understand a woman’s body language and non-verbal cues, you are a clueless putz and deserve every bad date you get. There will be no lessons in body language here. Go out on the interwebs and learn. The PUA websites are a good start. You will also learn about your own body language and how to build comfort and attraction with women.

There is one fundamental weakness to the whole notion of chemistry. It assumes that chemistry is a quick and unyielding experience. Women don’t want a man to grow on them. They want instant gratification. Of course they will not state this clearly in their profiles. “I want a man to make my panties wet instantly.” Rather, it’s “I want to find a real chemistry with a man.” Yet with instant gratification comes shockingly poor decisions regarding men. That fellow who made her panties wet might be a complete tool in regards to maintaining a relationship. Ah, ain’t love grand?

If a string of sexual encounters is what you seek through online dating, then by all means learn the skills of creating sexual attraction with the opposite sex. It’s not rocket science. Women aren’t mysterious creatures imbued with magical powers. They’re just women and can be quite predictable. Learn the skills. Go have fun. Wear a condom.

More frustration: Even if your correspondence and phone calls were blisteringly hot with da sex talk, that is no guarantee of future sex. If a women doesn’t feel the chemistry in real life, there will be no sex in real life.

If you want a real relationship, you have to get past the chemistry thing. You have to make the leap from “guy I’m on a date with” to “guy who I really want to get all naked and sweaty with”. For that leap, there are no second chances. Once she determines that you’re not going to be a sexual partner, there is nothing – I repeat, nothing – you can do to grow on her. She’s already mentally reviewing the online profiles she read that morning and hoping the date with you ends quickly.

Just cut your losses and move on. Your consistent online dating process should mean that you’re actively corresponding with at least three potential new dates. There are, after all, plenty of fish in the sea.

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  1. #1 by fi on August 28, 2012 - 4:49 PM

    Chemistry may be a necessity (for me, apparently not for some other women) but it’s not the only thing we look for. Even with loads of it, we probably won’t take it further if you’re just not the sort of guy we want to be involved with.

    • #2 by NMH on August 28, 2012 - 4:56 PM

      We know *sigh*

      • #3 by fi on August 28, 2012 - 5:42 PM

        But. It has nothing whatsoever to do with looks. And what is chemistry for one isn’t for another. Men have better chances than women do at meeting someone as they have a larger number of women they find attractive (there’s always another as PM says) and a wider age range to dip into. If you ever need proof, head on over to Planktons blog and read the comments. PM can direct you :)

      • #4 by theprivateman on August 28, 2012 - 6:01 PM

        Oh, do NOT get me started on Plankton’s blog… that woman… such squandered promise, even at her “advanced” age. Well, here’s the link, have fun:

        http://planktonlife.wordpress.com/

      • #5 by NMH on August 28, 2012 - 6:05 PM

        Plankton was well dissected by PM and the commentors here. We strongly suspected that she was throwing out from consideration perfectly good candidates and was only going to be able to get a marginal tingle for the likes of George Clooney. Not an exaggeration, this woman’s hypergamy was over the top.

        What I’ve noted is that it doesn’t matter what the age is for the woman in the west: if she is an age-adjusted 6 or 7 or above, there will ALWAYS be some high quality guy out there for her, and so she can be really choosey. The problem is in the west a slender 6 that is 35 or older pretty much has little competition due to the obesity epidemic (70% of adults in the US are overweight or obese and I imagine the numbers are similar in the UK), and so gets plenty of attention.

        However, one would imagine that a woman might realize she is being too choosey when she not been in an LTR for a decade or more.

  2. #6 by Thin-Skinned Masta-Beta on August 28, 2012 - 5:02 PM

    Hey, the reruns of your greatest hits are a super idea.

    Why don’t bloggers revisit some of their old stuff more often?

    Classic ideas are classic ideas…

    Thanks for provoking some interesting thoughts.

    But back to chemistry…

    I’ve been observing the many relationships of my widowed mother. A certain amount of persistence does seem to pay off. Some chemicals react instantaneously and perhaps explosively at room temperature. Some you need to turn up the heat or increase the pressure before they mix.

    Of course the confidence of what you all call “game” is an essential catalyst and things turn out well if the pressure and temperature variables are also well managed.

    • #7 by fi on August 28, 2012 - 5:44 PM

      Actually you’re right, persistence does pay off

  3. #8 by NMH on August 28, 2012 - 5:13 PM

    If I made add: A catalyst is very good at lower the activation energy (Ea) of a reaction indeed, but does not change the essential thermodynamics (free energy, or delta G) of the reaction.

    Translation: booze will make the chances of you putting a move on a chick higher, but the basic relation of power between members in this potential relationship will not be changes.

    Geek talk is really sexy, isn’t ladies?

    • #9 by just visiting on August 28, 2012 - 5:34 PM

      Now tell me all of your profound thoughts on the Krebs cycle.

      • #10 by just visiting on August 28, 2012 - 6:06 PM

        (Intj women don’t mind geek talk, though after a few glasses of wine, they might have a few eccentric theories based on it.)

      • #11 by NMH on August 28, 2012 - 6:13 PM

        Many, many years ago I was out with a female friend and I forget exactly what I was saying (something to do with the synthesis and affects of aspirin), but her response was “Can we change the subject, this is boring.”

        Learned at that moment you cannot talk about any-old-thing to women. It has to be fun and entertaining such that she is excited by it.

        There have only been a few times in my life where I felt like my heart sank in my chest. That was one of them.

      • #12 by Fi on August 28, 2012 - 6:27 PM

        NMH – i think you meant to say “Learned at that moment you cannot talk about any-old-thing to CERTAIN women.”

  4. #13 by Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on August 28, 2012 - 5:29 PM

    “It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually.”

    There’s a certain type of a demographic of men in this country who produce a very primal gut level reaction from me on first glance. Sometimes (not more than every couple of months) I drive through their neighborhoods just to get a fix of this eye candy. The feeling is very much heart stoppingly physical for a few seconds then passes. My eyes are sexually attracted to them but I do not actually want to have sex with them, and I never did, though the oppurtunity is no doubt available. I do enjoy looking though.

    • #14 by fi on August 28, 2012 - 5:56 PM

      I know! It is so weird. I was once stopped dead in the street by the sight of a man on the other side of the street who dropped his paintbrush and stared at me. Nothing happened as I pulled myself together and walked on but I have no idea what that was about. On the other hand I have a male friend I’ve been friends with for over 30 years and I know he’s attractive as women keep telling me is and wailing when he ends relationships with them. Do I fancy him though? No.

      • #15 by NMH on August 28, 2012 - 6:29 PM

        Maybe you should cruise the East End a little more often Fi.

  5. #16 by Marellus on August 28, 2012 - 6:26 PM

    @Private Man.

    Ever wished that love could be like a Jane Austin novel again ?

    • #17 by Fi on August 28, 2012 - 6:30 PM

      Nothing wrong with Jane Austin. Very clever observations and subtle witty characterisations (British spelling)

      • #18 by Marellus on August 28, 2012 - 6:37 PM

        … and yet the women are reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ nowadays … one can condemn this perhaps … but then the question should be why have the modern relationship began to resemble implicitly what is said, inside the book, explicitly :

        Love = Pain & Humiliation

        … and the men must supply it in some way to get a relationship … tragic really.

      • #19 by fi on August 28, 2012 - 6:57 PM

        Don’t know. I’d have to read the book first to offer a view and it’s not on my readng list.

        Do you not think it maybe doesn’t mean anything other than it’s a very good example of a successful marketing ploy to get people to talk about and buy a book that is probably mediocre. Bet there’ll be loads of copies in the charity shops 6 months from now.

      • #20 by Marellus on August 28, 2012 - 7:07 PM

        I hope you’re right.

      • #21 by Anaïs on August 29, 2012 - 1:31 AM

        Jane Austin. Austin. Please.

      • #22 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 1:43 AM

        Knew there was something wrong as I typed but couldn’t work it out. AustEN. :)

  6. #23 by Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on August 28, 2012 - 8:21 PM

    Is the real life BDSM scene ruled and fueled by women?

  7. #24 by Original Trouble on August 28, 2012 - 8:24 PM

    I don’t like or trust extremely attractive men (8 and above). The more perfectly physically attractive a man is, the less attracted I am to him and the less I trust him. On a literal scale, when I see photos of my husband, I’d judge him at a 6 or 7. He is a tall, fairly nerdy looking mostly bald man with a lot of body hair. But, in person, I can barely keep my hands off him. It was literally as if the heavens opened up and angels sang the first time I laid eyes on him, before he ever said a word. I was thunderstruck. I guess I have a thing for big furry nerds with naked heads.

    There are two men I work with (fortunately, I only see them a couple of times a year) that I find very attractive, and I really enjoy their company, but I realized a long time ago that if I ever got sexual with them, it would flame out in a highly volatile way and cause me no end of professional difficulties. I restrict myself from spending much time with them outside of work because I am committed to my marriage, but the attraction endures in spite of my wishes. It’s rather frustrating, and I wish I could turn it off. And, there isn’t any rhyme or reason for it, because neither of them are super attractive men or wealthy or powerful or anything else that equates to hypergamy. They just have the same dark sense of humor that I do and we connect on an intellectual level like crazy.

    On the other hand, I’ve spent several years traveling about once a month with a hyper masculine federal law enforcement agent who is about a hundred times more attractive than either of those guys and also objectively a lot more handsome than my husband, and I’ve never felt an ounce of sexual attraction to him. .

    Female attraction is pretty whimsical and hard to explain.

    • #25 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 2:07 AM

      “I restrict myself from spending much time with them outside of work because I am committed to my marriage ” – are you at the mercy of uncontrollable lust and the only thing keeping you faithful to your husband is denying yourself opportunity?

      • #26 by original trouble on August 29, 2012 - 8:56 AM

        No, but for me, it’s a matter of self control and having respect for my vows. I don’t think it would be respectful to my husband to flirt with other guys, and my interactions would go there, because the attraction is mutual. I don’t put myself in situations where I could be compromised, emotionally or otherwise. I don’t even want to fantasize about other guys, and it would be easy for that to happen.

  8. #27 by Anaïs on August 29, 2012 - 1:39 AM

    Great post TPM. It was good then and it is good now. Chemistry sets have big warning labels, handle with care, danger of death, broken heart awareness, etc…

  9. #28 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 3:25 AM

    Chemistry though is just finding someone attractive enough to want to have sex with. I think it’s explained quite well here: http://dannyfrom504.wordpress.com/detinennui32s-advice/
    I think this post which says basically men find loads of women attractive, but women find a small number of men attractive is basically true.
    “To you, most women have at least a few attractive qualities, good enough to have sex with. And if you had the chance, you would probably have sex with more than half the women you meet.
    Women are not like that. To women, only a small percentage of men are even remotely sexually attractive. They just don’t see most men sexually.” Or maybe its just me and everyone else is up for it all the time with anybody that crosses their path.

    • #29 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 3:41 AM

      He also says “Traits women find desirable tend to be loyalty, fidelity, honor, steadfastness, kindness and dignity. These are things women want for an LTR and certainly for marriage. But try as she might, no woman can talk herself into attraction to such traits. These characteristics typically become apparent to a woman after attraction is established.” And I don’t think there’s a woman alive who hasn’t tried to talk herself into being attracted to these traits at some point.

      • #30 by theprivateman on August 29, 2012 - 7:46 AM

        “And I don’t think there’s a woman alive who hasn’t tried to talk herself into being attracted to these traits at some point.”

        Fiona! How nicely candid of you.

      • #31 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 7:58 AM

        What’s wrong with that? We know the value of these qualities and try to make ourselves value them INSTEAD of attraction, but ultimately realise we need them AS WELL as attraction.

      • #32 by original trouble on August 29, 2012 - 8:57 AM

        Fi,
        I think that if you spent time using the exercise that TPM described in his previous post, you’d find that your attraction to certain qualities can be increased and strengthened.

      • #33 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 10:37 AM

        Eh? One minute you’re going on about how hanging round guys you like would send you into a frenzy of flirting and lust, and that when you met your husband “the heavens opened up and angels sang the first time I laid eyes on him, before he ever said a word.” And the next you’re saying that I should just try harder to be attracted to personal qualities instead ?

      • #34 by original trouble on August 29, 2012 - 2:31 PM

        Actually, Fi, I didn’t say that. I said that I have a strong attraction to two men I work with on an occasional basis, but that I don’t spend a lot of time socializing with them because I think it would be disrespectful to my husband (and I didn’t spend a lot of time socializing with them before meeting him, because I knew that attraction existed and didn’t want to go there). I’ve never been unfaithful, and I don’t ever want to put myself in a situation where I might someday become vulnerable.

        When I met my husband, I was extremely attracted to him, but had his character failed to match up to the attraction (i.e. two men I discussed above), I would have moved on in short order.

        To me, there are two levels of attraction: the purely physical attraction, and the mental/emotional/spiritual attraction. You may not be immediately attracted to a guy, on a purely physical level, but if you spend some time developing your appreciation of people’s virtues (i.e., finding something good about every man), you may find yourself being more physically attracted to him over time because of his good qualities. On the flip side, there have been some men in my life that I am very attracted to on a purely physical level, but I realize they aren’t good guys, so I avoid them. I still have that chemistry with them, but I will never act on it.

        I’ve found that good character can make an average-looking person seem more beautiful to me over time, and bad character can make an extremely handsome man look ugly.

        We aren’t just mere animals. We can choose how to respond to our biological impulses.

      • #35 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 3:00 PM

        OT- I think I’ve said on several occasions now that I look for physical attraction with personal qualities. Without the attraction they are friends. Without the qualities people aren’t even friends.

  10. #36 by dannyfrom504 on August 29, 2012 - 8:19 AM

    So….when you going to start a “best of” page?

    Lulz, I almost called you by your first name. Caught myself, then thought, “shit, he already posted.”

  11. #37 by Mark on August 29, 2012 - 11:56 AM

    “It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually.”

    This has been true with me. I’ve always been able to tell when a woman was interested in me almost immediately and if she wasn’t then no amount of time and effort put into changing her mind ever made any difference. What pua types call “game” has been mostly useful in not screwing things up with someone who was already attracted to me. If someone wasn’t interested in me, it was always easier to just quickly move on to someone else than to spend lots of time trying to use all that Mystery method stuff on her to get her to change her mind. There are plenty of women out there, I only really need to find one I like who also likes me, and I’ve always been able to find that one out of the multitude of females out there.

    • #38 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 12:16 PM

      Yes, there’s loads of women that a man is attracted to, and a huge age range to look within. What do you care if one you quite fancy isn’t interested? Move onto the next.

  12. #39 by just visiting on August 29, 2012 - 12:13 PM

    “It has been said that a woman knows within the first few seconds of meeting a man that she wants him sexually.”

    Not always. Over the months the women in the gendersphere have related stories about how they met their boyfriends or husbands that contradict this. The slow burn. Since most of the women in the sphere are introverts, there might be a connection, BUT, introverts make up a small portion of the female population. If I were a man, I’d hedge my bets by looking for cues on the first date.

    • #40 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 12:20 PM

      What’s a Gendersphere when it’s at home?

      • #41 by just visiting on August 29, 2012 - 12:28 PM

        It’s the womens blogs within the manosphere.

  13. #42 by Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on August 29, 2012 - 12:56 PM

    “Female attraction is pretty whimsical and hard to explain.”

    Possibly something to do with scent or even more subtle pheromones. My sister says she’s only attracted to men who smell a certain way to her. I also considered that the eye candy I drive through the ‘hood to get my fix from might have stronger pheromones than other races of men, taking into account their T levels and all.

    • #43 by fi on August 29, 2012 - 4:01 PM

      Yes we don’t have to act on it, but it exists. It might be smell as I’ve always had a weakness for an engine oil and fresh sweat combo. Think I might be a bit…….. odd.

      • #44 by fi on August 31, 2012 - 1:42 AM

        I did meet a bloke last night I was attracted to. And our eyes met and he started to walk in my direction. And I thought you are just my type – had a bike and probably did smell of engine oil.
        I thought about all these blogs and comments I read. The spinning plates, the “coming in nicaragua”, the totality of the reality of what is hidden in a man’s mind from a woman but expressed on these pages. And as he came nearer I knew there was only one thing to do – I turned my back and walked out the door. :)

      • #45 by fi on August 31, 2012 - 4:10 AM

        Although to be fair from things I’d heard him say, and the way other men around him reacted to him, I’d guess he is (or aspires to be) an alpha. He wasn’t just a normal beta bloke. But thanks to the manosphere blogs I know what being alpha means, and can recognise signs that I’d probably have overlooked before. Saving myself from being messed around and being just another spinning plate. So really, thanks very much for all your insight. Now. Where are the Betas?

      • #46 by NMH on August 31, 2012 - 7:06 AM

        A lost opportunity to be gently pushed against the hood of an Aston-Martin to receive his throbbing member as your hair is being pulled in the garage where he works in the East End, with spent oil cans lying all around….

        I had hoped you might be broken in, Fi, but alas…..

  14. #47 by collegegirl on September 1, 2012 - 1:29 PM

    Don’t guys ever notice a lack of chemistry when on dates? It seems to me as though chemistry must be a mutual thing, or maybe there’s different kinds or causes of chemistry? Like when you really, genuinely have an affinity with someone, that’s what I’d call genuine chemistry, and other times it might be strong attraction which causes you to imagine you had it with the other person.
    I’ve made the mistake where looking back I can see it was the second type and I let myself hamsterize the situation, but I think if I’d have been really honest with myself I’d have seen it was really more one sided. I actually went on a date last night where I was on the other end of it, we just didn’t click, no ‘chemistry’ but it seemed as though the guy really wanted to force it, despite us not really getting on, which is strange because he can’t have been enjoying my company any more than I was his. I just wonder men must feel that chemistry or click or whatever it is with some women and not others, surely not all a charisma thing?

  15. #48 by collegegirl on September 1, 2012 - 1:39 PM

    *Because of charisma, I meant, I mean men must sometimes just not feel the chemistry, even with an attractive woman?

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