Living in South Florida means being around lots and lots of retirees. Thankfully, most of them don’t drive during rush hour. If they did, I’d be dead. Motorcycles and older drivers are a poor fit. Instead, there’s a loud bell at 10AM and the gates of all the local retirement communities open and a vast armada of Buicks slowly rolls out, at trolling speed. At 4PM, another bell rings and the Buicks return. As I am firmly middle-aged, my senior years are most definitely on the horizon. I can’t wait.
Being a senior citizen grants certain privileges. My young colleague pointed this out today. He spent the weekend with his parents who have recently moved to a retirement community. “Old people do weird shit” was his observation. This is exactly why I’m looking forward to being an codger. Why do old people do weird shit?
Because they can, dammit.
Here’s a partial list of things I intend to do when the excuse of old age allows me:
- Grab my crotch and give the finger to random neighbors
- Wave my cane around menacingly
- Criticize everyone and everything
- Refuse to clean up after my dog (my dog will be old and crotchety, too)
- Open stuff at the grocery store for a quick snack and put it back on the shelf
- Tell stories about me that didn’t actually happen
- Pants up to my navel
- Socks and sandals
- Tell wildly inappropriate jokes (racist and sexist, both)
- Loud flatulence in public
- Mutter, mutter, mutter…
- Buick, slowly, no lane discipline
- Quote Rush Limbaugh
- Pay in coins when there are at least six people in line behind me
- Slow jaywalking as a hobby
- “Damned kids these days!”
- Old man smell (does that come in a bottle? I sure hope so!)
- Attend town council meetings, rail about taxes and refuse to shut up
- Block pedestrians on sidewalks with a slow and unsteady gait
- Loudly demand senior discounts at convenience stores
- Hearing aid buzz (“What? WHAT?! Speak up, dammit!”)
- F-bomb becomes F-machine gun
- Vote often and selfishly (“We don’t need no fucking bond issue for those fucking crappy schools, anyway!”)
- Pretend to be confused by technology and obnoxiously pester younger people to help
- Incredibly graphic descriptions of disgusting health problems
- Scourge of the local senior center
- Dentures, hand puppet, hilarity
Y’all get the idea, I’m sure. Feel free to add more.