Archive for May, 2012
A reader presents some interesting scenarios regarding women who use more than one online dating website. His comments are in quotes. My response follows each quote.
Curious if you have encountered these scenarios in your online dating experience, and regardless of whether you have or not, what your thoughts are on how a guy should handle them.
1. The not-so-interesting scenario – the same girl uses (or at least, have profiles that are visible on) multiple online dating sites at the same time. For example, the girl may have a profile on OkCupid and one on Match.com. It’s most likely that she uses one dating site and the profile there as the primary, and the profiles on the other sites are secondary or are left idle, and often times the profile info are copied-and-pasted across each other when possible.
Seems that for this scenario, it’s just a matter of cross-checking the profiles for inconsistencies, and basically using the different profiles of the same girl to build a more complete picture of her, and then communicating with the girl at the site that shes uses as the primary site. Do you agree?
I certainly agree. I advise that men use at least two different online dating websites, one free and one paid. It stands to reason that women would do that same thing. This has been my experience regarding seeing the same woman on different online dating websites. I read both (or more) of her profiles to get a better sense of who she is. OKCupid asks that its members answer a whole bunch questions. PoF asks little of its members. Match, well, I am sour on Match (link below).
2. The more interesting scenario – guy finds a girl on dating site A and get at least a conversation going with her (i.e., she didn’t ignore or reject your initial approach), and perhaps progress to meeting her in person, but things didn’t work out for whatever reason. Guy and girl does not stay in touch within or without site A. Some time later the guy is on dating site B and he somehow encounters the same girl.
No matter, the connection was never secured – regardless of the online dating website – so it matters little if the girl shows up on another dating website. If possible, block and move on. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. We win in the long run.
3. Variant of this scenario – things didn’t work out with the girl on site A. Her profile on site A goes idle (as in she doesn’t log in to site A at all, doesn’t check messages at site A, etc.) and/or hidden for some time. Guy and girl does not stay in touch within or without site A. Some time later, she is active on site A again and reappears in the guy’s searches on site A.
For these scenarios, should the guy just completely ignore the girl when the girl “reappears” on the guy’s radar? What if the girl initiates communication with the guy after her “reappearance”?
What is the consistent theme regardless of the venue, online or in real life? No connection. It matters little the digital vehicle of communications. What matters is the connection. Rejected on one online dating website by a particular woman? You’re rejected on any other online dating website where you find the same woman. If not, that means she’s completely confused about the men she’s getting attention from and isn’t organized enough to do online dating properly.
A reader writes:
I’ve never been happier as a man since acquiring the “soft harem” of three gals (I leave one slot for bench substitutions/one nighters) from which I am getting regular sex and entertainment. Am I going to become spoiled and destroyed such that I will never commit 100% to a single woman again. I was faithful to my wife of fourteen years. I fear that I won’t ever be satisfied with a single gal to grow old with.
Ah, the benefits of Red Pill wisdom and Charisma. To have such a problem, oy vey. Let this be a lesson to any scoffers out there.
This reader is in his 40s and asks a very legitimate question for guys of a certain age. While I’m older than the reader, I’ve not hit my “silver years” so I can’t answer the question based on personal experience. I’ll have to speculate in order to provide an answer. As this reader gets older – and I’m talking a couple of decades down the road – he will eventually find himself spending more and more time with just one woman. My step-father went this route a few years after my mother died but he did it more quickly (link below).
While bodies age, and libidos cool, the need for the warm embrace of feminine companionship should never wane. Men have the privilege of time and our reader should use that time to allow just one woman to be the one who holds his hand as he shuffles off that mortal coil. Fortunately, he’s got quite a few years of soft harem management ahead of him. There is one caveat to this. The reader lives in a community that I know quite well having lived there for several years. In fact, my first ex-wife still lives there. It’s not a big city so he runs the risk of his harem girls crossing paths with each other.
Red Pill, gentlemen… it’s all about the Red Pill.
If you’re not reading my “Awful Profiles by Women” page (link below and above), you’re missing out on some awesome comments. A loyal reader, ZLX1, has recently posted the following – it’s incredible and I’ve not touched a single word in his comment:
I didn’t say anything about the woman’s looks. I submitted her age and what she wrote. Her looks did not matter. It was her personality, which you are so concerned that we should love as much has her looks, that turned me off to her. Her looks were great.
What turned me off was the following:
1. She states writing these things (dating profiles) sucks: indicates to me that she thinks online dating is beneath her. I have actually read profiles where women flat out said “I can’t believe I’ve sunk this low…” as the opening line of their profile. Really? So then I guess because I am doing online dating I’m a lowly piece of crap? Get over yourself dear.
2. She said she’s educated. I’m neutral on that point, other than every woman puts that in her profile as if to say “Look what a great catch I am! I’m educated!” That’s neither here nor there for me. A masters in organizational management doesn’t give me a boner. What!!!???? That’s right, I’m looking for a woman that I am attracted to and her educational attainments are not part of the package that does it for me. That’s a nice to have, not a must have. If I was a woman looking for man, his education and career would be much higher up on the list of important stuff I was looking for.
3. She says she is sarcastic. Sarcasm is not the same as having a good sense of humor or wit. I deal with tough people all day in my business. When I get home the last thing in the world I want to be is “challenged” or to play word games with an acid tongued woman. I’m not asking for too much. Just a woman who exudes warmth and humor rather than sarcasm.
4. She says she can’t stand people who are sensitive or get offended by every little thing. This would indicate to me that she is the kind of person who says and does a lot of overt and covert things to “sting” the people around her and then wants to act surprised that their feelings are hurt.
5. She “hates” (her word) people who can’t spell properly or use good grammar. Well, her’s is not the best. This indicates to me that she is hypercritical. So, if she met a guy in person somewhere that she found attractive, he was charming and fun, and then he texted her later and misspelled something, she would dump him instantly? Don’t think so. Why put it online and turn people off?
6. Makes contacting her seem like a dare: “Anyway, after all that, if you still want to contact me, go right ahead!” No thanks.
7. Her idea for a first date: “Anything that makes me want a second date.” So, I am here to provide the entertainment for her? Is that correct? Am I not also a human being out on this date? Does she not have a responsibility to try to make a good impression on me as well and to make me desire to see her again? I guess not in her world. I’m just a wallet, tour guide and stand-up comic all in one. “Hey honey – you bring the vagina, and I’ll bring the money and the funny!”
This is what I am looking for in a long term interest, and I don’t think I’m atypical:
1. I must be physically attracted to her. Oh my gosh you put that first???!!! Yeah, I did. Believe it or not, there are women out there who are flattered that their date, boyfriend, husband finds them physically irresistible. Or would you prefer something else? Like I tell my friends “Yeah, she has a nice personality and she’s educated, but the only way I can bring myself to have sex with her is to turn the lights out…” I don’t think you would. I’m not asking for Kate Beckinsale and I’m not personally pretty enough to date her. I’m just looking for whatever it is that I find attractive. Sometimes that’s a woman with brown hair, sometimes blonde. Sometimes she is taller and thin, sometimes a little shorter and curvier. I just have to find her attractive.
2. Must be feminine in appearance and demeanor. It’s okay for a woman to be a woman and for a man to be a man, and for the two of them to be together. I only date women with long hair, who do a little make-up and who wear dresses and heels from time to time. I don’t put up with women who have boob tattoos or who cuss, drink, or smoke to excess or otherwise act like men or masculine. I like women, not men with boobs.
3. Must have life skills. I judge, and yes I just used that word, I judge her as I find out more information. I’m looking to see if she makes responsible decisions and can manage her life in a reasonable manner. I bring a lot to the table. I require that any woman I would be serious with bring similar qualities. Not that she should have the same financial resources or attainments that I do, but that she conducts her life in such a way that one day I might consider entrusting things to her because she has a track record of not being a loser.
4. Must be fun and engaging. I don’t expect her to entertain me but I don’t want to hang around with a sourpuss that never laughs and always has a frown on her face. I like a woman with whom it is pleasant to spend time with. So when we are not having lots of sex, it is fun to do things together and to talk and to kid around.
5. Must be compatible with my lifestyle. If she is so busy going to girls night’s out, zip lining, kayaking, volunteering, rock climbing, chasing after her children, etc., etc. then I can’t date her with serious intent. I will not accept that I will invest my time with someone who would place me in 6th or 7th place in her life. There are many other women who would not do that. Why settle right? (chuckle) Nor will I mold my life to revolve around her family and friends. I am happy to build a life together with her, but I am not abandoning mine all of mine to be her lap dog, waiter and chauffeur.
6. She must have morals and have some type of inner spiritual life. Watching Jersey Shore and reading Cosmo horoscopes doesn’t count.
7. Oh yeah, she has to be educated. I almost forgot that one.
So given this woman’s looks and personality combination what is my personal assessment in regards to would I attempt to date her? I would bang her but she seems like a pain in the ass and it would personally be painful for me to spend the time with her required to get her into bed. Not worth the effort of even casual interest or a fuck and run / pump and dump adventure. I’m sure just a few profile clicks away is some rich doctor or lawyer who has been waiting his whole life to sweep such a woman off of her feet. Never fear, Prince Charming is right around the corner I suspect.
A regular reader sent the following email [parts of it edited]:
I’ve been active in online dating for about two years now with inconsistent results. Currently I post on OKC and POF. I reside in a small town, essentially an ex-urb, about an hour from [big midwest city] and about the same distance from two other sizable cities. I enjoy small town life except for the scarcity of eligible women.
The excuse I hear over and over from women online is that I live too far away. This irks me tremendously. You would think she would be flattered that a man is interested in her, with him knowing he’ll certainly need to travel a ways to meet her.
Sometimes, online dating and geography are a poor match. A city with a fairly dense population presents more online options for both sexes. Our hero lives in a small town while the women have more options in the local city and are obviously loathe to travel far for a date. I feel his pain and understand his frustration. Life is often about trade-offs.
He then goes on to present some Red Pill wisdom analysis for the challenge he faces:
1. A half-hour travel from the beloved metro area: no ‘gina tingle.
2. These women already have a surplus of male attention due to living n a larger metro area.
3. As a result, and because they’re special little snowflakes, they fully expect a dreamy guy right down their street. Never mind that they haven’t met him there yet.
4. Also as a result, they’re even more disposed to actively look for a reason to reject a man who approaches them. There will always be another.
5. Hypergamy: Instead of looking for Mr. Right, at best they’re looking for another rung further up the ladder, while they wait for the alpha of their dreams to come along and sweep them off their feet.
Am I right? I think I am. And if I am, how do I use this insight? Is there a way? Any light you can cast on this will be greatly appreciated.
He’s pretty much correct in his analysis. Each item is almost universal in this country. I will only take a mild exception to number three, the snowflaking. Given that the mid-west tends to be a friendlier place that tends to encourage modest thought and behavior, I am discounting some of that snowflaking.
As for alternatives, I present these:
A. Lie in his online dating profile about where he lives to put him closer to one of the cities. The truth will ultimately have to be revealed, however.
B. Refine his geographical search to the more distant suburbs of the best target city which are closer to his exurb. That’ll make driving distances less but will also reduce options.
C. Take the time to drive to the city on weekends to use some real life Charisma. If he meets a woman in person, it’s not so easy for her just to click a mouse and display the next online profile. Sadly, that’s a lot of driving for him every weekend.
I invite my readers to present other suggestions and input to address this fellow’s plight.
Finally, it all came together in a very nice choreography of Charisma. This past Friday, after work, I stopped in for a glass of wine at my local wine shop/bar. There were about five or so patrons at the bar, most of whom I am acquainted with. They were all clustered together for conversational purposes where the bar takes a 90 degree turn to starboard. Several seats away was an attractive woman whom I think I’d seen before. This iron is hot, it must be struck. Let’s break it all down…
1. After unloading my helmet and bag, I sat near her, not directly next to her but not with the other patrons. Guys, it’s important to be a little bold. Perhaps this woman wasn’t single but it’s no matter. Any opportunity to chat up a dame must be seized.
2. After ordering my wine, I opened her. “Good evening” I said in my deepest radio voice. It was intended to be comically formal. Guys must make the initial contact. It worked. She turned to me and smiled. Helluva radiant smile on this woman. I am a complete sucker for a gorgeous smile. Hubba hubba.
3. Small talk commenced. In the course of the conversation, she qualified herself. “…my boyfriend, he died by the way, was also in technology…” Yikes, her previous boyfriend actually died. While this left me a bit flummoxed, she was chatting away quite comfortably so I let the conversation continue. Her continued conversation, despite that bombshell, showed her interest – actions over words.
4. This woman, Didi [name change, of course], was turning out to be a funny and quite pleasant. I subtly checked out her figure – short stature, in very good shape. She’s a solid 7, age adjusted. Speaking of ages, I couldn’t quite tell her’s. She could have been forty. But then she dropped a serious hint about her age. She declared that she’s a grandmother. Double yikes. I’m in grandmother territory here.
5. Maintain frame! Maintain frame! When interacting with a new, potential paramour, it’s way too easy for me to revert to the blue pill mentality. I checked myself against this. “You do realize that it’s your job to entertain me.” This line proved remarkably successful throughout the conversation and beyond.
6. Escalation trajectory is key. The conversation was good. I stood up and whispered in her ear “You’re going to see me again.” Make statements, never ask questions. She smiled at this and seemed quite eager. Something else, too – when she referred again to the deceased ex, she stopped referring to him as her “boyfriend”, she referred to him as her “friend”.
7. Leave first, but get the phone number before doing so. I did both.
8. Texting Charisma soon commenced! Texting with good Charisma is an art and a science. The limitations of texting are obvious so the words and phrases must be selected with great care. I am a master of the opaque technique. My favorite reply is “exactly”. If she laughs (“lol”), I come back with “exactly”. If she says anything vaguely complimentary towards me, my response is always “exactly”.
At some point the texting became more goal-oriented. She raised the issue of ice cream. I ran with it.
Me: “[My local ice cream place] is better and is within walking distance of me.”
Her: “I’ve never had ice cream there.”
Me: “Consider it an invitation.”
Her: “What do you have in mind?”
Me: “Ice cream and for you to continue to entertain me.”
Her” No, I mean when, silly.” [dang!]
Next day texting:
Me: “And that’s entertaining?”
Her: “Did I mention that I can juggle?” [qualifying herself]
Me; “Me, too. Five objects at once. Did I mention that I can speak one language?” [escalation]
Okay, the following texts are pretty boring but the punchline comes here:
Me: “But I am your type.”
Her: “Smiling and speechless.”
Winsauce for the Private Man. A date was made and kept. Kissing resulted. Good times were had by all. Didi is a fine dame. She’s smart, funny, and damned good company. She’s about my age. Yeah, her hair is too short but that’s easy to over look because of that smile. Criminy, if women just smiled more, the world would be a better place.
Another date is planned for tomorrow.