There is some problematic advice for women on finding love. Such advice is all too easy to find as it’s delivered relentlessly and ubiquitously. One of the worst pieces of advice given to women is the “love will find you when you least expect it.” There’s a variation of that theme in the Christian community with the “God’s perfect timing” concept. Love will find the single Christian woman based on a heavenly life schematic.
What men know, and are wired to do, is to pursue affection. Men are more inclined to pursue physical affection first. It’s what we do and no amount of social shaming will change that. No matter, because a man waiting around for affection to suddenly appear is fantastically unnatural scenario. Being redundant here – men pursue and are expected to pursue. This is why women are told to be passive.
Here is a conversation that will never happen between two men:
“Dave, I haven’t gotten laid in months, what should I do?”
“Don’t worry Steve, just wait around because when you least expect it, a fresh vagina will drop out of the sky and land on your penis. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those t-shirt stains aren’t too bad. Want another beer?”
Yet women are frequently given the same type advice:
“Kathy, I haven’t had a date in months, what should I do?”
“Don’t worry Jill, just wait around because when you least expect it, Prince Charming will arrive to sweep you off your feet and love you just the way your are. By the way, you look good with that extra 30 pounds since your divorce and those sweatpants look comfortable. Want more ice cream?”
Here is the same advice given in a much more accurately: “If you act and look feminine, love will find you if you are receptive and you reciprocate.” This is much better advice because it reflects reality. Being feminine (looks and actions) is flypaper to men and so men will pursue. Yes, there will be inappropriate guys flying about. But the confident man will approach. He’s the pursuer, after all. The challenge is being the receptive part. This means being physically available and being in situations where single men are around. It might involve online dating, for better and worse.
Frankly, the wait for love scenario is based on emotional pornography and it’s wildly unrealistic given women’s highly elevated self-esteem and expectations based on that level of self-esteem. Being a potential partner in a committed relationship requires thought and effort. It requires understanding that the attractive and available man wants the woman to bring something to the dating and relationship table. A woman with nothing to offer is a woman who will always wait.
Footnotes:
God’s perfect timing = hamster food?
Woman Up! Make The Man Feel Desired
YOHAMI
/ April 30, 2012+1
“Being a potential partner in a committed relationship requires thought and effort.”
Then being an actual partner in a committed relationship will require ten times more thought and effort. No magical spawns nor red carpets there either.
God might have perfect timing, but his timing includes natural disasters, porcine flu and the hiroshima bomb. Nothing wrong with being proactive and taking care of what you can.
just visiting
/ April 30, 2012The irony. When life circumstances have shelved dating, the only men that I’m talking and having coffee with are doctors.
theprivateman
/ April 30, 2012Humblebrag much?
just visiting
/ April 30, 2012Hahaha. But chatting them up? I dunno…a little morbid. lol
P Ray
/ April 30, 2012Give the nurses a run for the money: you never know how capable you are until you face competition…
Candide
/ April 30, 2012I always give people whom I don’t want contaminating the gene pool that kind of advice. I encourage you all to do the same to save our future.
theprivateman
/ April 30, 2012This is very funny and worthy of sharing. It actually makes sense. Give bad relationship to those not deserving of a relationship, give Red Pill advice to those worthy of a relationship. I need to cogitate on this one.
Candide
/ May 1, 2012That’s partially out of self preservation too. Keep in mind that Red Pill advices are invaluable to the recipient but giving them is potentially very dangerous for the giver. You need to make sure the recipient is worthy AND ready. Being worthy is obvious, but not enough. If he/she is not ready, you might make an enemy for yourself, as you are holding up the mirror to his/her ugly face. I don’t even give a couple of my close friends such advices, even though it bothers me sometimes to see the shit they’re putting themselves through. Those blokes are worthy but not ready.
As for women, it’s Blue Pill all the way for them, with some Red Pill humour on top to give me an edge over the typical beta platitudes, but I make them work hard for it. I’m not easy :p
AnonymousDog
/ April 30, 2012That conversation will never happen between two men, but men will get lots of that kind of advice from mothers, sisters, and other well meaning women. When I got it, it came in the form of “don’t worry, you’re young, you have lots of time…”.
P Ray
/ April 30, 2012The incantation of vagina-summoning for the otherwise not deprived usually involves money, a hot car, house in a cool address and exciting activities.
The best part of it is the women will come to you once you have those.
Maybe the correct reply is: “Don’t worry, mate. Make some mad money, have a cool ride, travel and own your own property … and tell others about it. Then the magical vagina will drop from the skies for you”.
P.S. A good woman won’t ask to be paid, since they understand that an exchange for gifts in return for sex is prostitution.
P Ray
/ April 30, 2012P.S. A good woman won’t ask to be paid, since they understand that an exchange _of_ gifts in return for sex is prostitution.
AnonymousDog
/ May 1, 2012P Ray,
You are overlooking the fact that there are some geographic locations where ‘magic vaginas’ seldom, if ever, drop from the sky, no matter how nice a car you drive, or how good a job you have,
Also, there is a huge difference between the social opportunities a guy has as a student, and those which he has as an adult working for a living. As a student you are surrounded by people your own age, single, and a statistical half of whom are women. Very few adult working or social environments like that.
My experience as a twenty-something single guy was that nobody wanted to talk about skewed local gender ratios, or the relative dearth of social opportunities in my community for a single man, but everybody assured me that I had ‘lots of time’.
P Ray
/ May 1, 2012True. But that’s where some thick skin, and understanding of economic leverage comes in.
Colleges and universities, some of them have open cafeterias where outsiders can come in to eat.
And there’s always owning property near a college or university, that allows you to approve people you want to be in contact with.
Leverage. Use it, ’cause the people you deal with – are also using it.
Thomas V Munson
/ May 1, 2012“You’re still a young man, baby, woo woo” (Tower of Power)
Thomas V Munson
/ May 1, 2012I can’t claim any expertise here. Although I was 26 when I met my wife, I was in law school so on campus thus lots of gals around. I read the “you have time” advice as simply saying don’t appeat desperate; it’s like flop sweat. I was never in the adult work scene as a sinlge man, but it must be brutal for all else match.com et al would not be in business.
But my question to certain young men: Why do you want to meet someone and settle down? Marriage for a man is bullshit.Unless you want a family, in which case stop reading-one of us is seriously deluded, and we have nothing to say to each other. For the rest of you guys, we have the hairy legged muff-munching feminists to thank. Yep, them. They started this insane mantra the marriage was this institution that benefited men. A lot of men said say what? This before the rise of 2 income families, but even now I here, for example what I just heard from a Univ. of Arkansas law student, that she will graduate but not practice while she raises a family. Where did the “WORK OPTIONAL” square come in, and why is it us guys can’t check it?
Stay single. Get vas so you can’t get trapped, plus if you find some 30 year old when you’re 55 and want to settle down you’ll be facing an 8 hour operation on your johnson if she insists on kids. You will thank me a million times-I am saving your life.
P Ray
/ May 2, 2012“I just heard from a Univ. of Arkansas law student, that she will graduate but not practice while she raises a family. Where did the “WORK OPTIONAL” square come in, and why is it us guys can’t check it?”
I actually know a couple like this, both recently-graduated lawyers AND Catholic.
He works like a dog as a vacuum salesman, she raises their 2 kids (a third is on the way), is a complete SAHM, complains about feminists, yet says regularly “my husband is an idiot”, says she doesn’t believe in abortion, but has no problem getting angry at men who judge women who practice it.
Recently unfriended by her, as I pointed out that double-standard.
In short, the modern “traditional” marriage.
She cares enough to let you lead … while complaining about how much it inconveniences her.
Which is why “traditional” marriages in this day and age is an oxymoron.
And why I say, if a man can express his love by spending money on a woman …
A woman can express her love towards a man by EARNING money on her own while in a family, and contributing to the expenses.
After all, there are special positions available for women who want to work part-time.
Thomas V Munson
/ May 1, 2012We have enough people fer chrissake.
Thomas V Munson
/ May 1, 2012“It was timin’, comma comma comma comma
Timin’ is a thing it’s true
Good Timin’ brought me to you”
Jimmy Jones 1960
dogsquat
/ May 1, 2012I had a conversation about this with a female friend of mine. She’s good looking (but starting to get some swivel-chair spread), smart, and fun to be around. She’s also single now because she doesn’t realize that landing and maintaining a quality relationship can be a lot of work.
It’s not the same kind of work as digging a ditch or writing a book, but it’s work nonetheless. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue. Sometimes you have to clean up a mess the other person made. Sometimes you have to be pleasant when you’re in a bad mood. You might have to show up to a date on time even if The Girlzzz from work invite you somewhere else. You’ll even need to (gods forfend!) put someone else’s interests before your own once in awhile.
And yes, you’ve got to put effort into your appearance – and I’m not talking about spending hours on your nails.
The Billionaire Secret Agent Television Producer with a fetish for entitled, flabby, sharp-tongued harpies has not been born yet. That. Dude. Does. Not. Exist.
Here it is, ladies:
Want to land a good guy? Look around at the desirable guys you know. What kind of women are they with? How are those women different than you? What do they do/have that you lack? Pay special attention to their behavior, demeanor, and how they relate to their SO.
Make a list.
Then:
Don’t do/be any of the negative things on the list.
Become the positive things on the list, and don’t bullshit yourself.
If your list was accurate, within six months you’ll have good guys dropping out of the woodwork asking to slay dragons for you. The plan really is that simple. There are three critical vulnerabilities to the plan:
1. Your list is wrong. You listened to Cosmo instead of paying attention to what men respond to.
2. You bullshit yourself. Your body type is not “athletic” or “curvy” if you get out of breath going up the stairs. Saying your home “has a lived in feel” when it’s objectively filthy isn’t fooling anyone but you. Knock that shit off.
3. You don’t do enough work or put forth enough effort. Becoming a desireable person is hard, and not always in the way one might expect. You’ve got to expend effort to get accurate information. You’ve got to challenge your preconceptions. It’s hard to be objective about yourself. You’ve got to do things you might not be comfortable with.
P Ray
/ May 1, 20124. The only kind of guy you think is good enough for you, is the popular one
5. Your age: It’s nice to know that women approaching the end of their natural childbirth age are willing to “tolerate” a regular guy, but it’s no secret that if the guys have a lick of sense they’ll hit it and quit it (you’re not in a relationship with them if you only “tolerate” them) … not to mention that you consider them “just adequate” and responsible for all the “bad/not good/mean” things that Mr. McDreamy previously did to you.
6. Whether you let your friends dictate where you go to meet guys. If your (female) friends are so wonderful, why are they still single?
bskillet81
/ May 2, 2012Good post. Problem is, the idea of being truly feminine is disgusting to most women who grew up in our feminist culture.
And even if they were willing to be feminine, they believe they should “never settle,” which means no matter who pursues, she will be totally unreceptive. To her mind, “never settle” means a man who is perfect in every possible way. Such a man doesn’t exist, so she will be receptive to no one.