I read a great deal of dating advice, most of it bad. This includes dozens of blogs, countless women’s websites, even the lady magazines like Cosmopolitan. I also talk to every woman I can about dating and relationships. Yes, I know, talk is cheap. When I discuss these issues I’m trying to read between the lines and look for descriptions of actions, not words from the rationalization hamster or aspirational lying. There is one particular and common theme from female dating advice-givers that has perplexed me:
Men want a challenge.
The usual female explanation for this theme is that “men are hunters”. That much is true. Yet when our paleo ancestors went hunting, it was for food. It was for survival. If the men didn’t bring home the animal protein, the tribe withered and died. After spending a few incredibly tough days trying to slay an uncooperative animal, why would a man return to the clan and have to hunt all over again for a compliant female willing to mate? It makes no sense. From an evolutionary psychology point of view, it’s completely counter intuitive.
It took some thought to figure this out. I’m slow, but I eventually get there. Here’s the basic set up:
Women seek the top 20% of men. The women must hunt these men because these men have options and will only select a small percentage of women to whom they will provide DNA and possibly resources. This makes perfect sense. Top paleo providers were in short supply. To hunt and land one of these men, even if for a harem arrangement, was a successful survival strategy for the woman and her offspring.
Let’s fast forward to our modern, industrial culture. Armed with the power of projection and a healthy rationalization hamster, women think because they must pursue men (the top 20%) that men must pursue them. It goes along with the modern projection that because women are attracted to masculine accomplishments, that men must also be attracted to masculine accomplishments in women.
It gets worse. The guys not in the top 20% must do the pursuing of the top 20% of women (attractive and feminine women, not the masculinized career dames). The women’s projection that men must give courtship chase is utterly reinforced by an army of guys without Charisma trying desperately to win these women’s romantic (um, sexual) favor.
Men with Charisma do not want to hunt women. They want compliant (PC word alert!), feminine women who easily recognize the man’s achievements without drama, bitchiness, and demands. Sure, Charisma is required because our recent industrial age requires women to be a bit coquettish. This is the price for not having to worry about a saber tooth tiger eating the women and children while the man is out hunting mastodons.
A woman wants a man without Charisma to hunt them because this is a validation of her desirability, nothing more. The woman doesn’t want the DNA (sex) from that man, she wants the emotional support in addition to the desirability validation. This is manifested in contemporary times as the FriendZone and weaker men being the emotional tampon.
So let’s summarize – Women want beta men to hunt them. They want to hunt Alpha men.