Archive for January, 2012
I’ve been corresponding with a reader who is doing some good work on improving his dating skills. He was castigating himself for talking too much and revealing too much when on the phone with his current or potential dates. To help him limit his phone time, he now sets a timer (his workout timer) to remind him to not get carried away with the phone gabbing. That’s a great idea.
As I read that, I got to thinking about the timer that most of us already have – the stove timer. At the beginning of the call, set the kitchen timer for ten minutes or so. If the guy is smart, the one timer can kill three birds.
1. When the timer goes off, the guy knows when to wrap up the call. How he does that is up to him but setting up the date is the goal of the call. If no date, an opportunity has been sadly wasted.
2. If the timer is loud enough and the fellow stays in the kitchen during the call, the women will hear the buzz (or ding) when the ten minutes is up. This is beneficial because it sends the message that the guy knows how to cook and all men should be handy in the kitchen. If he’s clever, he’ll confirm it. “Oh, the [insert the name of the dish here] is ready, let’s set a date and time for our date.” Once done, he can exit the call gracefully.
3. If the fellow is even more clever, he’ll drop the line that he’s expecting company.
“I have people coming over for dinner, I have to get this out of the oven before they arrive.”
This is the man providing his own social proof. While I understand that this is most likely a white lie, but perhaps the fellow in question does have people over sometimes, just not exactly at the moment of that phone call.
While it might seem a bit rude to call a woman knowing he doesn’t have much time, consider also that a man who is busy is also a man with an active life, an attractive trait in a man. It sends the subtle message that the woman would be joining his life and not vice versa.
During my first marital administration (the blond phase), I came up with a simple guideline to determine if my wife was nagging when she wanted me to do something.
1st time is the initial notification.
2nd time is a reminder.
3rd time is the first nag.
I told her this guideline and her response was predictable once the nagging commenced. “You don’t respect me.” (or some variation there of). Of course, this was in my blue pills days so I had neither the knowledge nor the strength to deal with this. I simply caved in.
Toward the end of the marriage, I did everything she asked without hesitation or question. I was thoroughly, utterly whipped. When I tried to get something where she was reluctant or unwilling, I had to be manipulative and passive/aggressive. It was awful for both of us.
The nagging thing is absolutely huge for a man. It is toxic to a relationship. Hell, even the Wall Street Journal covered this issue. It’s a very good read. The solutions to stop nagging are excellent.
I see nagging as both a shit test, an indication of low emotional strength in a woman, and her inability to see how her actions affect the man in her life (selfish bitch, any?). In effect, nagging shows poor character.
A guy has a massively greater amount of social opportunities with women while he is a student than he ever will in the adult world of working for a living. And nobody is willing to tell a guy that when he is 19 or 20. Instead, he gets told, “Don’t worry about not meeting women, you’re young.”
This comment (which I mildly edited) by AnonymousDog was in my previous post, The Perils of Propinquity. He raises an excellent point regarding the default blue pill advice given to young men. That advice is horribly wrong. The world beyond college and university is very different. There are no longer hordes of young women in close physical proximity. There might be many young women at the workplace, but those women are off-limits given the prospects of sexual harassment issues.
There might be opportunities for finding new social circles but it takes more time and effort because colleagues will likely live in different areas. The real world is nothing like college or graduate school. With this in mind, here is some serious Red Pill advice for the college-bound man or the recent arrival to college:
1. Ignore what your mother says in regards to not meeting girls and being young. Ignore anyone who tells you that bullshit. Actually, you should slap them.
2. Learn Charisma. Learn it fast, learn it well. Pay particular attention to your confidence sub-routine.
3. Use every opportunity to be social with diverse people. Hang with frat boys, jocks, nerds, and regular guys. Attend as many parties as you can. This doesn’t mean getting drunk all the time. It means being social and being extremely observant.
4. Find and have a solid crew of guy friends who are good with girls. Do not hang with reserved, anti-social types even if you believe you are one, yourself.
5. Spin plates. Have several girls in social rotation. The ultimate goal is to have several girls in sexual rotation.
6. Stay out of the FriendZone™ unless the girl is willing to hook you up with her single friends.
7. Oneitis is your doom in college. It is the stinking swamp of involuntary celibacy and the burning forest of failed expectations. She’s not that fucking special.
8. Be athletic. The typical college has a good array of options in which to be involved athletically. It’s also good for you body, you beer-swilling baboon.
9. Dress better than all the other dumpy-looking guys on campus.
10. Know your limitations and work on them.
11. Get good grades and study when required. You’re there for an education amongst all the socializing.
12. Should you be a high school fellow (or know someone who is), seriously consider taking a year off before starting college. Work some, adventure some, mature a lot.
Older men have really dropped the ball when giving advice to younger men. Fathers seem too cowed to tell the real truth. Mothers just tell blue pill lies. The advice above is that given by the “cool uncle” who never had kids and who lives an interesting life.
Propinquity is just a fancy way of saying that something is close by. When we were at school, having lots of single young women around was quite the blessing. Being in close proximity meant a target rich environment. Parties were within walking distance and opportunities to interact with the opposite sex many. For a younger man, propinquity is a wonderful thing.
As single men move ahead in life or find themselves single well after the halcyon days of college, close proximity starts to present issues. Certainly this is true at work. Women in the workplace are verboten. Sexual harassment laws are unyielding and a minefield for men. A wrong glance, a mis-perceived compliment, even a seemingly innocent photo on a computer monitor can too easily lead to a call from human resources and an order to attend “sensitivity training”. No, that’s never happened to me. But it’s happened to men that I know and I was baffled by the accusation of sexual harassment.
For men of a certain age, propinquity is not necessarily a good thing. Social circle propinquity is wonderful for meeting women. I recommend such connections over online dating but with a massive caveat. Be warned, if a man doesn’t have the right frame, meeting women through social circles is almost a denser minefield than meeting women through work. Consider this scenario – a man becomes familiar with a woman via a social circle. He and the woman “date briefly” (my favorite euphemism for a few sexual encounters that don’t result in a relationship). The woman then reports to the social circle(s) that the man is a cad and a bounder. It requires a solid frame for a man to turn such an accusation to his favor with other single women in the same or related social circles.
Geographic propinquity can be even more problematic. The dated briefly scenario can get college-wierd when the well-over-35 woman is always at the local supermarket or consistently walking her dog in the neighborhood. If she’s not motivated by drama, it doesn’t have to be awkward. It can actually be quite pleasant and lead to meeting more single women. Now, find me a woman who is not motivated by drama and I’ll make that scenario work.
Geographic propinquity can also lead to the unexpected knock at the door. Hey, it’s nice if a woman stops by looking for companionship. It’s not nice when another woman is already at the house in the process of giving companionship. “Oh, you’ll have to stop sucking my peener, there’s another woman at the door”. That’s the game of younger men or the game of women into three-way sex. Frankly, an accomplished and mature fellow needn’t be dealing with such stress. Well, except for the sex part.
Personal story time: There’s a woman in my neighborhood – shit, she lives about 100 feet away – and she does walk her dog and I do cross paths with her somewhat frequently. She’s actually a lovely woman and is always quite friendly with me. Just tonight we met while dog walking and she offered her cheek for an air kiss. She sends out mixed signals to be sure but I’m going to be immune to any signals. I’ve subsequently learned that she’s an emotional mess with more baggage than a Pullman coach (that’s an old school analogy, look it up). I’m even reluctant to meet her women friends. Imagine if I poked her or one of her friends and yet she lives so close as almost to be in the same dorm. Shit, I’m almost 50 and have neither the time nor the energy to deal with that.
Here are the take-away lessons:
If possible, make sure they live close enough for you to visit on relatively short notice but not so close where they could show up unannounced. Easy availability mitigates aloofness and mystery. This also includes digital propinquity such as Facebook and online chatting. The man has quite the control of her narrative of him. With too much availability, a man loses control of that narrative.
This past has nothing to do with a man’s Charisma but is tangentally related to relationships and is certainly about the power of the Internet.
The comment originates from the Martin Luther King post and is a response to a Munson comment. It was written by a reader and new commenter, Sincere. Rather than let the comment get forgotten in an older post, I thought it best to highlight it, front and center, as its own blog post:
I think the root of the problem goes deeper than the broken family unit. The real issue is that the American black man doesn’t have a history.
We can’t trace our lineage back to some faraway land. We aren’t told stories about the accomplishments of our great-great grandfathers.
And in school, we learn about Europe. And Asia. And India. And (of course) the United States. Our origin continent remains dark.
We don’t even have last names of our own. The natural result: we don’t have an identity.
So our community is left grasping in any and every direction, looking for a sense of self. This is an almost visceral reaction. At some level, we know that without a sense of self there can never be self-esteem.
And like you noted, fathers are a rare commodity. So some of us turn to musicians and athletes… the only other folks that look like us. In turn, we learn to stunt and to make it rain. Engineers don’t ball. Scientists don’t get bitches.
At least that’s the common Kool-Aid. But notice the key phrase above… “some of us”. Others are finding their identity in other ways, which I’ll get to in one moment.
We had real role models for a while. MLK, Malcolm X, Fred Hampton, Huey Newton and the like gave us something to believe in. They gave us an identity to aspire to.
They told us that there’s no need to be ashamed of being black. That you can be intelligent, well-read and confident. And that you can describe yourself as a man without using the adjective “black”. But we lost those men. And we were left with lofty dreams splattered all over the balcony, or podium, or apartment wall.
So naturally a vacuum was left behind. Esteem isn’t built overnight, and we still weren’t confident in our new position within American society. Yet the black rights movement was largely over.
That’s when the rappers and Jessie Jacksons tried to fill that void. I’ll refrain from commenting. But your point is right – a new, real leader has yet to step up to the plate.
Nor should one.
Despite of (or maybe due to) the loss of those leaders, the black community has outgrown the need for a new “black leader”. Integration WORKED. We don’t need to march for equal opportunity any more. We’ve already earned it, and signed for it in blood.
Poverty, drugs and violence are still problems in our community. But there’s also a counter note – a swelling wave of intelligent, ambitious black men and women that identity as Americans. And the upcoming generations are unique, they have been pulled closer together, thanks to the Internet, than any generation before it.
Of course, there are still remnants of times passed. I still get the occasional off-color comment (ha), but most are out of ignorance instead of malice. And once every couple of years I get pulled over for DWB (Driving While Black). You still have the older black folks holding onto a dead wrath, and older white folks with the same. But the beliefs MLK railed against are dying… along with the generations that hold them.
My circle of friends would’ve make MLK smile. The next generation will be even more color-blind, prosperous and “connected”. And if my pronouns weren’t explicit enough, I am a young black male. I’m a business owner, I don’t have a criminal record, I have a passport and I hardly ever say “aint”.
And I’m not alone.
This is the power of an online community. The Internet is a series of connections amongst circles of like-minded folks. Sometimes, the circles overlap as is the example of Sincere. Sometimes, the circles are in conflict (no names mentioned).
I have filed this post under “The Collective Wisdom of Men” because that’s where it belongs.
Of course, it would be quite disheartening if Sincere were merely a sockpuppet.
The other day, I received some questions about dating from one of my readers. I answered those questions and then suggested to Moxie that we both answer those questions as part of a dual blog, simultaneous post. She agreed.
My responses are in italics. Hers are in bold. As I gave her my answers first, she also incorporated those answers into her own answers.
Okay so if you go on a date with a woman and it seems to go pretty good, what are good techniques for the following:
1 – Ending the date. I know to end it on a high note before any tedium sets in, but what’s a good way to make the exit. Knowing that on the date in question a first date bang ain’t happening but in all other respects things went well.
PM – As the man, you should certainly be the one who ends the date. You can end it by checking your watch or cellphone and say something like “I’ve got to run, it’s been great meeting you.” Don’t tell her why you have to run, maintain a bit of mystery.
MOXIE – If you’re interested in her enjoy the evening. Don’t sit there and think you have to end things by a certain time. Let the date run its natural course. I wouldn’t recommend a marathon date, but if the vibe is there and you two are enjoying each other, don’t end the date because you think you’ll look too eager if you don’t. When you feel things are winding down, that’s when you step in and say that you have to get going home. (Even if you’re not going home, say you are even if you’re meeting friends somewhere.) Don’t say “it’s been great meeting you.” It’s a date, not an interview. It sounds clinical and kind of negative. You walk her to her cab or the subway or to her building, ya smooch her good night and tell her you want to see her again.
2 – What verbal enders are good like – “Call you in a few days” bleh.
PM – “You can expect an email from me.” “Look for my texts”, etc. Don’t say exactly when.
MOXIE – Jesus. Why doesn’t he just send her a tape recording that says, “Your Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with me again.” Then have it explode 5 seconds after listening for effect. At the end of the date you say you want to see her again and that you’ll contact her to make plans for X day. You don’t have to say when to contact her. I don’t think it’s bad to play it cool. Just don’t make douchey statements like, “Look for my texts.” It just makes you sound so odd and controlling. Also? Please realize that more and more women are attuned to Game lingo.
3 – What’s the “rule” on follow-up contact – I’ve heard everything from wait two days, a week, etc. before you follow-up and setup another get together.
PM – Between 24 and 72 hours after the date has ended. Any more than three days (72 hours) and that will throw off your online dating website review schedule (see my answer below).
MOXIE – I agree with PM here. 24-72 hours is an appropriate amount of time.
4 – If you met her online, is it poor form to be seen back on the dating site the next day, yet you are not contacting her? Anyway, seems kind of obvious that you are just waiting the obligatory two days or whatever since she has a timestamp of when you were online. I’m thinking it best to just stay off of course, but if you are also working other fish….on the other hand, being seen back on the dating site, but not contacting her might make hamsters turn the wheel, or it might make you look desperate. I dunno.
PM – Tricky business this. If you would like to see her again, don’t log in until after you have sent her the follow up communication. Then wait for a period of a few hours as if you’re waiting for her response (which you are). If you’re working other fish, you should be communicating via email and not through the dating website’s internal messaging system.
MOXIE – If she’s going to monitor your dating profile, that’s her choice. Frankly, I think it’s a good idea to let her see you online. Lest she get a little too comfortable. Don’t go out of your way to make sure she sees that. But don’t hide because you’re afraid she will. I think PM is encouraging you to put way too much thought in to what’s going on in her head. You’re making what is supposed to be fun and possibly lead to the sexy time into a chess game. There is such a thing as over-strategizing.
5. Finally, if you met her online, went back and forth a bit, did the phone call, did the date, should follow-up to set next meet up always be phone call? I’m thinking yes.
PM – A phone call is best but you can text her in advance with “I’m going to call you soon” to test her response. A “looking forward to it!” or something similar is a good sign. No response means she’s not that interested in you and the phone call may be a useless exercise.
MOXIE – You could do either. I’d just send a text. I don’t think a phone call is required. Plus, once you set that precedent she’ll hold you to it.
Our advice is somewhat different and there is obviously some subjectivity involved, “Douchey statements”? Douchey to her, perhaps. Question 4 has the biggest differences. It’s important to know that much of my male readership are guys struggling to break free of beta behavior so they require more analysis of their own dating behavior before any degree of natural confidence can happen.
Some of my readers will likely point out that “Moxie doesn’t date girls and clearly doesn’t understand how women act in the context of dating” and that’s a valid criticism but to only a very small degree. Moxie is quite aware of male-female dating dynamics and she doesn’t feed a woman’s rationalization hamster as evidenced by the anger she receives in her blog post’s comments.
A classy and sophisticated woman has posted this comment in response to A Woman Who Speaks Her Mind.
Because unlike stoopid wymen, men NEVER, ever make stupid, impulsive statements without backing them up, or curse, or want to have sex for the sake of having sex. Oh I’m sorry, is my cursing causing you to clutch your balls in shock? I’m so fucking sorry. I guess I’m not a real lady and will consequently never find a nice husband because REAL men want ladies who will keep their mouths shut and stay in the fucking kitchen. Whoops, there I fucking go again. Why can’t my weak wemenz brain stop fucking cursing?
She’s got the usual anger. That’s a sure sign the original point was indeed correct and she simply couldn’t handle the truth. She tossed in the “stay in fucking kitchen” strawman argument and seasoned the whole comment with the F word. Stay classy, cupcake, and learn the rules of logic and reason. Yes, you are not feminine. Yes, your brain is indeed weak because you responded with anger and without logic and reason.
No, you will find a passive and subservient man to take to the altar. Of course, before that happens, you will be bedded by numerous amused and dominant men who will enjoy the ride and eschew the relationship. You will learn to loathe your passive and subservient husband while pining away for those dominant men you could score in your youth.
I rarely get good hate comments so that one was kind of special to me. It’s also indicative that my blog is reaching into new online readership territory. Sweet. However, I did not approve her comment because that would allow her to post un-moderated comments. It’s my blog, I make the rules. I won’t even bother to read her future comments.
EDIT: Of course I could have given her the worst possible advice to a young woman that would doom her life to unhappiness:
You go, Grrl! Never settle! Your Prince Charming is right around the corner. Wait until he shows up to romantically sweep you away into a life of ease and healthy babies. You’ve got plenty of time because you’ll still be fertile at 50.