Archive for October, 2011
I receive a lot of email marketing from businesses that sell dating systems to men. I get the most from these folks:
You can click on the links just be warned that you will enter some serious online selling. They all want your email address to get any of the materials. As with all email-based marketing, you can expect to get lots of emails until you unsubscribe.
While I haven’t purchased any of these systems, it’s quite easy to see the very common approach. It’s also quite easy to see the huge and common weakness. As an aside, I have never seen similar dating systems marketed to women. From what I can see, women tend to go for dating coaches.
The dating system marketers are actively seeking beta men as potential customers. The nice guys (and NiceGuys™) who are logical and rational and want to find tactics in order to approach and be attractive to women. The dating systems are sold almost like computer programs. If the man does X, the result with the girl/woman is Y. It’s easy to see the appeal.
The problem with marketing such systems is the heavy focus on seduction and promises of quick and consistent efficacy. “Do this right now and you’ll be having sex with hot women almost immediately!” I’m paraphrasing, of course. This is what comes across when I read all those marketing emails. It troubles me greatly.
Teaching Charisma as a business endeavor is problematic. The potential buyer wants fast results with a computer programming-like system. As well, the dating system sellers want to yield the maximum profit. This arrangement presents a huge risk for potential failure. There just isn’t enough focus on the confidence sub-routine, the personality programming that provides a man’s confidence output.
True Charisma can’t be achieved without the confidence sub-routine properly installed. Indeed, dating system programming too easily fails without the confidence sub-routine installed and running properly. Installing the confidence sub-routine is the difficult and challenging part. Confidence simply cannot be taught. It comes from deep inside the overall system.
The most important element in all this is that the confidence sub-routine must first operate independently of any Charisma or dating system programming. To their credit, the dating system sellers sometimes deal with this issue. Yet no system or dating scripts is going to take the time to help with the often lengthy process of creating (or improving) the confidence sub-routine.
There is a meme running around the MRA Manosphere that the confidence sub-routine is the only programming required for a guy to be successful with women. There’s a reason I call it a sub-routine, because it resides under the Charisma or dating systems programming. A man might have a robust confidence sub-routine but without certain skills relating to Charisma or dating systems, his dealings with women will simply fail. Confidence without social skills goes nowhere with the girlies. The confidence sub-routine is not programmed to create the appropriate social skills. This is why “be yourself” is such crappy advice.
I found this on Jest.
It’s a video showing a Russian guy feeling the boobs of 1,000 women. It’s work safe and not at all sexy. But there are lots of very attractive Russian girls. The fun starts after the introduction showing Putin.
I like Russians.
That guy has some serious Charisma to get away with that.
A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.
The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:
Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.
It can be something small.
It can be something big.
It has to be something.
Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.
Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.
You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!
You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.
This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?
Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”
Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.
Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.
A colleague and friend, Jaime, presented a very vexing question. Some background – this friend is 30 years old and is honestly looking for a long term relationship with a woman of good character. He is of Colombian descent and has a very traditional view of women in the context of a committed relationships. Jaime knows all about the Manosphere approach to life and is well versed in the Venusian arts (Pick Up Artistry).
Jaime asked me this question: “If a man uses PUA to attract and seduce a woman, doesn’t that show she’s a woman of poor character?”
I speculate that only 20% of men use their Charisma for dark reasons and have no intention of finding themselves in a long term relationship. The remaining 80% of men use their Charisma (whether natural or learned) to attract women for the purposes of securing a long term relationship. Jaime is of this group.
There is a complicating factor. Jaime travels to Colombia often enough and he reports that girls there do not respond to American-style Charisma. “You can’t play hard to get and you can’t ‘neg them. You have to smooth them with all sorts of compliments and romantic talk.” Before he figured that out, he told me that he was shot down consistently with his American approach. Colombian culture still operates under certain social expectations. Being a smart fellow, Jaime adapted. “I can’t believe all the [flowery, romantic] shit I was saying to these girls, I was like, what the fuck?” But he was successful when he changed tactics.
His original question is understandable. A woman who allows herself to be seduced with American-style Charisma can very well be showing her poor character. His question makes clear that we have cast off enough social expectations to liberate women so they can respond to their animal instincts. Jaime doesn’t want that kind of woman for something long term. I don’t blame him.
Jaime’s question vexes me because I don’t have a clear, satisfactory answer and I sense that I should, that I’m missing something utterly obvious. Many men will simply state that yes, women who respond sexually to their animalistic natures are of poor character. For some reason, that answer vexes me more. This makes the search for a long term relationship even more challenging for the man with Charisma. Women will respond sexually and by consummating the act too quickly, this eliminates another woman. Yet the standard advice is for a man to have sex with a woman within five real dates or so.
There’s usually lots of discussion on this over at Hooking Up Smart.
Maybe I’ll join Jamie on his next adventure in Colombia.
This social trend has been around for over 40 years. As Americans have been ballooning up in weight, the fat acceptance movement is getting more attention. It shouldn’t get any attention at all. obesity is both unattractive and unhealthy. It’s just that simple. What, is Private Man indulging in intolerant shaming and prejudice? I’ll accept the accusation of shaming, not that of being prejudiced.
In the overwhelmingly vast majority of cases, being overweight is a choice. Every calorie consumed is a conscious decision. I’m not going to be cast aspersions on a person’s character regarding weight and size. But anyone toting around extra weight must be keenly aware that what they are doing is unhealthy and unattractive. This goes doubly for women.
Certainly I am not unsympathetic to overweight people and people with unhealthy habits. I was once a fat guy at 260 pounds. I lost 60 pounds about five years ago and I am very careful about my calorie intake. Worse, I am a smoker. Every time I have a cigarette, I am making a conscious choice to do so. I expect no acceptance for my bad habit. I don’t need some social movement to shame non-smokers. I am not writing a letter to Hollywood producers asking them to feature more characters smoking in motion pictures.
I chose to be fat avoident by the company I keep and the women I date. This certainly limits my dating pool and I accept the consequences of my preferences. It’s disheartening when I meet sweet, funny, pleasant women who are rendered unattractive by a body ruined by fat. They fail the boner test. As a polite man, I won’t say anything about why I am not attracted, I simply move on.
I do have some advice for younger men. Don’t have sex with women whom you don’t find attractive because of their weight. Yes, it’s unrealistic advice – I didn’t practice this in my youth – yet it still must be said. Young men, especially young men with Charisma, don’t reward bad behavior by sexing up a young woman of excess poundage. To be direct, I am telling young men, no fat chicks. They should be invisible to you.
The fundamental truth is that the feminine attracts the masculine. Too much weight on a woman’s figure is not feminine. “Where are all the good men?” I’m frequently asked. I always refrain from saying “You left them behind 40 pounds ago”.