A Woman’s Unique Online Dating Arbitrage Opportunity

Badger clued me in to this one via a comment over at Rollo’s blog. I heap major compliments on both of them for their excellent observations and keen writing skills.

I got email from (among others) a young woman who had a very dynamic, interesting [online dating] profile. The only thing I could add was, “put a statement about what you have to offer a man in a relationship.”

She pushed back, saying it sounded too “50′s housewife” or something like that. I repeated the advice and then went quiet. Modern women of all stripes have been steeped in feminism and “don’t take any shit from a man,” and are very averse to giving off any perception they are willing to humble themselves for men despite the fact they are by and large hungry for male attention.

It’s a major arbitrage opportunity for women who can swallow their pride for five minutes and actually play to men.

What he means by arbitrage in this context is that a woman can more easily sell herself to a high value bidder in the relationship marketplace, specifically the online dating relationship marketplace. A few sentences on why a woman would make a man’s life better, of what she offers, would vault her over the competition by leaps and bounds.

There are three huge challenges to overcome regarding this issue. Badger has already highlighted one. Feminism has created an awful expectation that women should never be humble to men that they should be strong and independent (code phrase for bossy and domineering). The sad irony is that the same women truly desire a man’s affection and attention. They just won’t allow themselves to

The second huge challenge is that a woman must have enough self-awareness to actually know what she offers in the context of dating and relationships. This is a tall order because outside of just being a woman, women have little understanding of what they should offer a man. The social expectation tells them one thing, a man’s biological imperative reacts to something completely different.

The last huge challenge is the men. We have at least two generations of men who have been socially conditioned to believe that StrongIndependentWomen™ are the most desirable. Worse, many men let the social expectation overrule their biological imperative that tells them to be more attracted to feminine women. In effect, many men must allow themselves to pursue feminine women.

Overcoming these challenges is not turning back the social expectation clock, it’s a matter of recognizing the power of the biological imperative and giving it more access to our conscious decisions regarding dating and relationships.

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  1. #1 by Bb on September 22, 2011 - 8:15 AM

    “This is a tall order because outside of just being a woman, women have little understanding of what they should offer a man. The social expectation tells them one thing, a man’s biological imperative reacts to something completely different.”

    Then, “A few sentences on why a woman would make a man’s life better, of what she offers, would vault her over the competition by leaps and bounds.”

    I confess that if you had asked me to articulate in a few sentences what I offer to a man when I was single, I wouldn’t have been able to say much more than love and devotion, which sounds a bit pat and cheesy.

    Also I imagine that’d scare some guy off on an online dating service. Sounds very serious.

    Can you give examples of what types of sentences women should write?

    • #2 by theprivateman on September 22, 2011 - 7:49 PM

      Your question deserves a detailed blog post. Stay tuned!

    • #3 by PotentE on October 10, 2011 - 4:08 PM

      How’s this?
      2/3rds of all men, when they get home, want sensual (anything to do with the senses, a beautiful home, great smells, comfy clothes, spiritual, etc) AND sexual…a sexually available body. :) Men want and need to have their thoughts respected more than they need to have their feelings cherished. In respecting their thoughts, their feelings ARE cherished. (This is also why they go for young women at some point, because young women follow, admire and respect them.)

      2/3rds of all women want status and security/stability. Status “I am so and so’s woman.” Security/stability, mainly financial, but also emotional. (Men, that are WELL, are logical, not typically reactive.) Most young women feel better when they are cherished. In having their feelings cherished, they think they are respected.

      This is for those 2/3rds.

      Masculinity is giving, protecting and cherishing that wants to be with somebody who wants to receive, who is available to them, and respects them. (Masculine – sperm goes after the egg. Feminine – the egg sits passively, patiently and vulnerably, waiting for the sperm to come get inside her!)

      So what do you bring to the table to a masculine man? Be beautiful – get GREAT photos done. Mens main sexual organ is their eyes- it just is. Don’t fight it, dont try change it. Knowing is half the battle. So show off your sexual side without being a tart. If you do not like the way you look, do what you can until you do. You bring the sensual & the sexual. Talk about what you love to do and what TURNS you on…you do not have to be great anything. Love your job, but you do not have to be rolling in cash! Masculine men, do not look for your accolades so much. They are nice, but honestly they do not care. If they are alpha men they have plenty themselves and do not want/need their woman to compete with them. You discuss what is important to you with or without a man in your life..ie, charities you love, volunteering you enjoy, nieces, nephews, cats, dogs, whatever. (Anymore than two pets though and he will likely think the place smells of a barn…most men are not turned on by this. :))
      You do your best to keep your body in the best shape you can be in and choose a very healthy lifestyle. Your exercise routine. Speaks healthy and active- decent figure. (Says toned and possibly flexible.) Your favorite thing to cook (roasted chicken or tri tip) and the best thing you know how to bake.
      (FYI- The masculine is attracted to and wants the feminine…but will have casual sex with any woman…he is a man, after all.) But you are a woman, and as far as he is concerned his woman does NOT behave like a man. She is virtuous, and can be controlled… sexually.
      They want a smart woman. And a smart woman knows NOT to be a ball buster– but to be acceptable of men and their way of being. Just like you hope they do not bust your chops for how you are built.
      It is your complement you are looking for.

  2. #4 by George on September 22, 2011 - 11:22 AM

    “The last huge challenge is the men. We have at least two generations of men who have been socially conditioned to believe that StrongIndependentWomen™ are the most desirable. Worse, many men let the social expectation overrule their biological imperative that tells them to be more attracted to feminine women. In effect, many men must allow themselves to pursue feminine women.”

    Hahahaha. Who likes those types of women? I don’t know any man who would confess to that under torture.They’d confess to being the pope, but they wouldn’t confess to that. I HATE those domineering women.

    P.S. You did a good job on Paul Elam’s show.

    @Bb How about support? How about “If you don’t have the money for a date, don’t worry, *I* will treat YOU to a good time on the town.”

    That right there would make you sound a TON better than 90% of the gold-digging women in the sexual marketplace. A man would respect a magnanimous gesture like that, because that is what WE are like.

    That would make a GREAT first impression on me.

    • #5 by theprivateman on September 22, 2011 - 7:47 PM

      Here’s the thing… men read female online dating profiles and most of them claim to be strongindependentwomen… so, men figure that in order to be attractive to such women, they claim to be interested in such types of women. Hell, they convince themselves they are attracted to those types of women… silly betas.

      And thanks for the compliment about being on Paul’s show.

      BB’s question warrants a post on my blog. I’ve got a backlog of posts (it’s a good thing) so I hope to get her question in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned!

    • #6 by Bb on September 22, 2011 - 10:33 PM

      PM, glad you’re going to write a post about this. That’ll be very helpful!

      “How about support? How about “If you don’t have the money for a date, don’t worry, *I* will treat YOU to a good time on the town.”

      That right there would make you sound a TON better than 90% of the gold-digging women in the sexual marketplace. A man would respect a magnanimous gesture like that, because that is what WE are like.

      That would make a GREAT first impression on me.

      George, one of the things I hear a lot is that women should not try to be like men. I’d be concerned that saying I can pay for a man’s date would make me seem like I’m either bragging about my money, or turning into the provider, traditionally a man’s role. Would men not find this offensive?

      • #7 by George on September 23, 2011 - 10:35 AM

        “George, one of the things I hear a lot is that women should not try to be like men. I’d be concerned that saying I can pay for a man’s date would make me seem like I’m either bragging about my money, or turning into the provider, traditionally a man’s role. Would men not find this offensive?”

        I don’t see how any man could take umbrage at a woman being generous. I have never had any man tell me that they want to spend money they don’t have to.The provider has traditionally been the man’s role because women either couldn’t afford to or were too stingy with their money to treat a man.

        Paying for a date makes you seem generous and sensitive to the needs of others, not more masculine. You are right that we say women should not try to be like men, but by that we mean that they should not believe that increasing their own wealth or status, or that being more “confident” (acting like a domineering psychopath) will make them more attractive to us. Indeed, the comment I made about paying for a date will not even make you more attractive, only more courteous, which is a trait most of your sisters lack. There is no need for them to be courteous, in their minds, because they are the natural recipients of men’s courtesy.

        I would wager that most men, if pressed to answer what was missing from western women, would say a lot of things about femininity and respect (it’s hard to identify something specifically that you’ve never seen), but if you as a woman were to demonstrate simple courtesy , they would say “What’s missing is her attitude.” and hold you up as the model.

        Men may not even take advantage of your offer to pay, but the simple fact that you offered to pay, up front, before anything even happened demonstrates that you are a woman worthy of spending time with. You are not here to sniff for money and favors like a truffling pig, you are seeking a partner to have an enjoyable time with.

        I have heard women make A LOT of excuses for why a man should pay, even in this economy where most of those who have lost their jobs are men, but I have never heard a woman advance the idea that women should be more generous to men,though it makes much more sense than the reverse at the moment.

        I could be way off-base,though. Fellas, would you also be pleasantly surprised if a woman indicated on a dating profile that she would pay on a date? Would you see that as the woman being generous or the woman being masculine?

        Personally, I make no connection between spending money on women and my masculinity. I don’t even see a peripheral connection. I do believe producing,inventing,and creating things is an almost uniquely masculine activity, but turning them over to women in exchange for sex sounds like prostitution to me. I definitely wouldn’t want a prostitute to be the mother of my children,especially if they were girls.

      • #8 by Bb on September 23, 2011 - 8:10 PM

        “The provider has traditionally been the man’s role because women either couldn’t afford to or were too stingy with their money to treat a man.” Then, “Personally, I make no connection between spending money on women and my masculinity. I don’t even see a peripheral connection.”

        The reason I asked is that I would routinely offer to pay when I was dating, and would always get turned down. Same for “I’ll meet you there.” If a guy asked me out, he always wanted to pick me up AND pay. Even when I asked him out, and had money out, I’d get “oh, no, I got it.” So I wondered if it was a guy thing, where they don’t want women to pay. It seemed like a point of pride to me…but this was a while ago, maybe attitudes have changed overall from both genders.

        Having said that, my basic principle on paying is:

        – the person who issued the invitation should be the person to pay (my theory being that you are inviting someone, they are the guest, and you are the host.)

        – if it was a casual “hey, I’ll see you there”, or “let’s meet up” then that’s a signal to bring your own money and pay your own way.

        – if you enjoy yourself, it’s good manners to reciprocate by treating the other person the next time “Let’s go to a movie, my treat,” etc. (You are then the host, and the person you’re inviting is the guest)

        – always offer and be prepared to pay, regardless. Someone may have forgotten to bring their wallet, etc., or not be in the same dating mindset you’re in—or operating under the same rules as you do.

        – A person that tips well shows a generosity in spirit, and an understanding of the value of hard work. I always noticed and noted that behavior accordingly.

        – If I got exclusive with a guy, it was pretty much pay my own way from then on.

        “I have heard women make A LOT of excuses for why a man should pay, even in this economy where most of those who have lost their jobs are men, but I have never heard a woman advance the idea that women should be more generous to men,though it makes much more sense than the reverse at the moment.”

        It’s ridiculous to assign pay based on gender. On a first date, I would have preferred to pay for my own way, so I could show that I could manage on my own, wasn’t taking advantage of a guy, or setting up false expectations.

        Now, back to the dating profile. What if I were write something like “let’s meet up at the local bar and get to know each other—first round’s on me!”

        “I do believe producing,inventing,and creating things is an almost uniquely masculine activity…”

        Do you consider that women are merely consumers, then? That they do not produce, invent or create?

  3. #9 by just visiting on September 22, 2011 - 7:08 PM

    At some point I’m going to have to re enter the dating market. (Hence visiting sites like this.) I’m glad you wrote about this because I was pondering the same thing. Lots of guys on the dating sites lookng for strongindependantwomen. It depresses me because I figure that they’re looking for someone who’ll take charge of them. Not a good fit.

    On the other side , if I start listing relationship qualities that I posses,(other than the usual standard ones) it might sound too heavy, and send guys running. Too playful, and they might get the wrong idea.

  4. #10 by Pechorin on September 22, 2011 - 8:43 PM

    This is really true. “I’m really independent” and “my life is fantastic” are incredibly common on online dating sites.

    A woman who shows an interest in what she offers a man not only improves her dating market value, but also may promote herself from the pump and dump pile to the potential relationship pile.

  5. #11 by Looking Glass on September 24, 2011 - 7:48 AM

    The oddest bit is that the “StrongIndependentWoman” type rarely is either. It’s mostly show. They have their own “lives”, but they normally include too much drinking and no useful hobbies. For being “Independent”, they sure spend a lot of time complaining to friends about their troubles. That’s actually most of the problem, really.

    On the issue of “paying for dates”, I normally suggest just going dutch.

  6. #12 by George on September 24, 2011 - 11:27 AM

    “the person who issued the invitation should be the person to pay (my theory being that you are inviting someone, they are the guest, and you are the host.)”

    Looks gender neutral, but seeing as how you ALSO indicated an aversion to do the inviting yourself, the way this works out, practically, is that the man always pays. Many women do this. That’s how they skirt around doing their fair share without (They think. A person who can spot the shell game is still just as disgusted by it,maybe even more disgusted,because rather than simply lying or refusing, they went to the trouble of intricate theatrics.) looking like assholes.

    It’s like saying “This building does not support discrimination,no one will be forced to leave based on their skin color. But if you’re black, you shouldn’t be here. It isn’t traditional or proper for blacks to enter this building.”. You have an official policy that is tolerant, bu then you forbid people from taking advantage of it with an unofficial social mechanism to nudge them in the desired direction,so you can then point to the official policy to negate the fallout from the unofficial one.

    “The reason I asked is that I would routinely offer to pay when I was dating, and would always get turned down. Same for “I’ll meet you there.” If a guy asked me out, he always wanted to pick me up AND pay. Even when I asked him out, and had money out, I’d get “oh, no, I got it.” So I wondered if it was a guy thing, where they don’t want women to pay.”

    That’s because they thought that you were simply offering but not intending on really following through. A lot of women do this. They offer to pay, but when you take them up on it they get disappointed and treat you like you’re an asshole because you accepted. I don’t know why anyone would want to pull this theatrical pointless bullshit that’s transparently for “effect” or whatever, but that’s what they do.

    “Now, back to the dating profile. What if I were write something like “let’s meet up at the local bar and get to know each other—first round’s on me!”

    That’s a fair compromise. I would accept that.

    “Do you consider that women are merely consumers, then? That they do not produce, invent or create?”

    For the most part, they are. They are either consumers or service-providers,but not creators or inventors. They used to produce things, mostly household goods, such as clothing, fibers, cookware, etc., (i.e. home economics or the business of housewifery) but decided that was “oppressive”. Now they produce nothing, and only consume what men produce, in the process of carrying out their services.

  7. #13 by Bb on September 24, 2011 - 4:29 PM

    George,

    “Looks gender neutral, but seeing as how you ALSO indicated an aversion to do the inviting yourself, the way this works out, practically, is that the man always pays.”

    You must speaking about my post on first moves, as I didn’t indicate an aversion here. (Unless you can show me a quote where I did). It is indeed difficult to reconcile that idea on the FIRST date, but as I said above, previously, if I enjoyed myself, I would reciprocate by treating the next time. So the second date was on me, and I would make that intention clear at the invitation. And I would try make the second date as equal or greater value than the first, to prevent me from “looking like [an] asshole.”

    On offering: “That’s because they thought that you were simply offering but not intending on really following through. A lot of women do this. They offer to pay, but when you take them up on it they get disappointed and treat you like you’re an asshole because you accepted. I don’t know why anyone would want to pull this theatrical pointless bullshit that’s transparently for “effect” or whatever, but that’s what they do.”

    I see what you’re saying here. A woman may offer, but it could be a trap, and some men feel they must refuse this, because the choice to accept puts them in a bad light. Which is why you want the language from the woman in the ad to be crystal clear “I”ll take YOU out” indicates immediately that she isn’t an entitled princess. I could see that, it would be a big selling point.

    (I wish some guys would weigh in and answer your question: “Would you see that as the woman being generous or the woman being masculine?”)

    BUT…that still doesn’t explain when I would ask a guy out [and I have done that!}, and be standing there, at the cashier, ready to pay, with him swooping in and doing it instead. That I can’t understand. Maybe he got a sudden case of White Knightness. Have no idea.

    LG: when you ask a girl out you let her know it’s a dutch treat from the outset? Are these invites to high-end events, or more casual places?

    Thinking about it, it really makes no sense for one person to treat the other at the beginning of a relationship. I’d prefer to pay my own way. Lessens any obligation. Money always comes with strings. Nothing is ever free.

  8. #14 by Ray Pinelli on September 25, 2011 - 8:54 AM

    “This is a tall order because outside of just being a woman, women have little understanding of what they should offer a man.”

    I could hardly breathe from laughing so hard.

    Anyway, speaking from the other end of the tunnel… I don’t know about other men, but I, for one, know very well what I want to offer a woman. And it’s not something I offer everyone. (no, stop thinking about something else other than time. That’s what I meant, my precious time and attention. hehe

  9. #15 by Badger on October 4, 2011 - 1:58 AM

    I saw this but didn’t have time to leave a comment, so thanks for posting on my words. Most women I know who are unhappy in the dating market would do very well to take advantage of the arbitrage opportunity, it would improve their lives dramatically.

  10. #16 by Jester on October 15, 2011 - 5:30 AM

    I smell an opportunity for an experiment here… lol
    Create similar profiles where one gives the usual bullshit list of Princess’s expectations, the other, almost Identical, has a list of things the woman brings to the relationship. Someone who is able to gauge male personalities by Alpha, Beta, Omega, etc could table the data to show that being a FAEP™ (Fucking Arrogant Entitlement Princess) doesn’t attract the better class of men after all. Might sway a few women to lose the horrid attitudes about men. If anything it would be interesting to see.

    Like how I snuck that “™” in there PM? lol

  11. #17 by Shadrak on March 4, 2012 - 4:02 PM

    What kind of backwards, uber sexist, bizzaro-section of the Internet have I stumbled into today…?

    • #18 by theprivateman on March 5, 2012 - 12:00 AM

      You’ve found the Manosphere. It’s not backwards at all. The ideas presented and discussed here are the real truths. Don’t like it? Then take your politically correct ass in hand and scurry on back to mama. Better still, make us all sammiches and serve us cold beer.

  1. what i bring to the table | BbSezMore

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