I had a fairly spontaneous date last night with a Plenty of Fish woman. She was supposed to be a Sunday afternoon date but after some online chatting during the day, we ended up setting up a date.
Her profile indicated a mildly attractive, mid-40s women, divorced and without any kids. We had been chatting online a bit and I found it easy to demonstrate higher social value. Being a writer has its benefits when chatting online. During our chats, I eased into some more sexual subjects and discovered that she was making up for lost time during her rather sexually vanilla marriage.
The online chat during the day went something like this:
Me: So what are you doing tonight?
Her: Why do you ask?
Me: Idle curiousity and noseyness.
Her: Are you asking to meet me?
Me: Nope. I have a meeting with a friend to talk about a class I want to offer and besides, it’s a school night [True, I had to meet with my friend Michael at his wine shop after work]
Her: What about afterwards? [she clearly wants to meet me]
Me: That can work. I’ll let you buy me a drink.
Her: I’ll buy my own drink.
Me: That will work, too. [This becomes significant later]
Her: Time and place?
At this point in the conversation, it’s time for me to be alpha and determine the time and place. I’m going to pick a place close to where I’m meeting Michael. She’s going to come to me. Also, I’m not going to meet her in the village because if she turns out to be, well, an ugly nut job, I don’t want to be the subject of town gossip.
I pick a place, sports bar, right across the street from Michael’s wine shop and tell her 7:30PM. She counters with 8PM and I agree.
Fast foward to after my meeting with Michael. It’s 8PM and my date, Katrina (named changed), is running late. No biggie, women run late. It’s their job.
I’m sipping a beer and chatting with a guy at the bar. I tell him about meeting a date for the first time. In true guy code fashion, he offers to move further down the bar to give us some privacy. I was grateful. Actually, he paid his tab and left.
A few minutes later, the phone rings. It’s Katrina and she’s parking her truck. She’s a surfer and needs a suitable vehicle to tote around her boards. I tell her where to find me at the bar.
She’s not skinny, but she’s not the typical “few extra pounds” as she described herself on her Plenty of Fish profile. Overall, I give her a 5.
She orders a drink and we commence to the first date chit chat. I didn’t Game her real hard because preselection had already occured through our online chatting. She’s good company. While not educated in true SWPL manner, she’s friendly, flirty, and of good humor.
During a cigarette break, I move in for a kiss and she reciprocates willingly. She’s a good kisser with a passionate style. I was somewhat tempted to invite her back to my place (a three minute drive) but I refrained.
Back in the bar, she orders chicken wings and has a second cocktail (Long Island Ice Tea). There’s some physical touching but nothing hot and heavy.
We have another cigarette break outside and there’s some more kissing between us. She drops all sorts of hints about how sexual she is. My response to those hints is acknowledgment but not escalation.
At the end of date, we settle up after she has a third Long Island Ice Tea. I do not pay her tab. We pay seperately. Katrina is surprised by this. It’s time for the rationalization hamster to start spinning.
“I can’t believe you didn’t pay for me.” She sounded surprised, but not angry. “I think I’m insulted”. She was actually rather serious about this. This date could go seriously awry at this point. Likely, she was used to white knight pedistalizers paying for her expensive cocktail habit.
I didn’t say a damned word. I didn’t even acknowledge what she said. I just collected all my motorcycle gear (helmet, gloves, tankbag, jacket) and moved with her outside. I was fully prepared for a bad ending to this date.
As we were walking outside, her rationalization hamster reversed course. “Well, I guess I sort of invited myself so I should have paid for my tab.” I ignored her remark as we walked to her truck.
“I need cigarettes” she announced. I had been smoking hers because I had run out earlier in the evening. Fortunately, there was a convenience store within short walking distance up the road. We walked and held hands and then I offered to buy her cigarettes. She declined and I didn’t press the issue.
At her truck, we kissed some more. It was pretty late, about 1AM. Again, I briefly entertained the notion of inviting her back to my place. Again, I decided not to. My place is a bit messy and uninviting right now. She leaves, I get on my motorcycle and head home.
At work this morning I see her online. I don’t initiate a chat. I figure she might have thought more about our date and the fact that she had to pay her own tab. I would not have cared too much no matter which way it went.
At about 9:30AM the Yahoo chat window pops up. It’s Katrina.
“hello and good morning. Wanted to be the first to say so.”
So she’s not all bent out of shape that she paid her own tab. All hail the rationalization hamster!
I say good morning and the chat continues.
Her: so neither one of has a list….I do suppose this is good. Uh-oh, hopefully you are not working on one as we speak/chat [I was not responding immediately, but waiting a few minutes until a sent an IM.]
Me: A list? What list?
Her: ya know the list of why things can not or will not work out
Me: Not my style. Besides, one meeting does not create list material.
Her: Phewwww
Next time, I should make her pay my tab, too.
Gotta love the hamster.
Phoenix
/ May 19, 2011Good job. She’s into you.
No matter how many times a girl bitches at you for not being nice or genuine, just ignore and keep your frame locked down.
The outcome means shit. Whether you bang or you never see her again.
Girls want to be treated like princesses. What for? They’re a dime a dozen.
Workshy Joe
/ May 21, 2011That advice is GOLD.
NMH
/ May 19, 2011Yea, its good for me to read about your game, your writing makes is good enough to imagine what is happening exactly.
You handled her exquisitly. Its sobering to realize you have to be this good to get a woman. If I had known about game 20 – 30 years ago, my life would have been different: far more notches, but possibly a genetic legacy and nothing saved for retirement.
Well, if you can bang a 5, you have more testosterone than I do! I can barely perform for a 7 these days….
ZLX1
/ May 20, 2011I’m thinking these days if you meet them online always add +2 or +3 to their actual rating to determine how hard to game. This would be to account for the ego pump they receive from full inboxes on the dating site. Good post Privateman!
theprivateman
/ May 20, 2011Brilliant!
This is deserving of its own post and a couple of PowerPoint slides in my class.
Workshy Joe
/ May 20, 2011She sprang the trap and you neatly side-stepped it. Shit Test passed with distinction. She’s a fellow smoker too which makes things easier. Keep us all informed.
Jordan
/ May 21, 2011Great post. Great game.
Badger
/ May 22, 2011Classic frame testing. If she was really pissed off about the bill she would have left and not rewarded you with continuing social attention.
Girls who complain about jerks are showing that the “jerks” are under their skin. In fact, when a woman tells a man during/after a breakup he’s “selfish/such a jerk” what she is saying is “I’m angry that you are on my mind and I’m not on yours.”
theprivateman
/ May 22, 2011Badger for the win.
My ex still sends me some pissy emails that describe how selfish and ungrateful I am. She’s just upset that she’s still thinking of me in a romantic/relationship context.
Jennifer
/ August 22, 2011It looks like she remembered that she offered to pay for her tab and realized she shouldn’t whine. Why would you call that a rationalization hamster? It sounds like regular rationale.
DC Phil
/ January 20, 2012P k g c Q t X E
Just out of curiosity, what would you recommend to be a good strategy to follow regarding who should pay and to what extent? Here are some details of my experiences over the past year:
1. Very first date, I ended up paying $75 and not even a kiss goodbye. BIG mistake and, thankfully, I’ve not repeated that one. This happened with a 40 yr old who thought she was worth more than her value.
2. Paid on two separate dates with a 44 yr old corporate lawyer who clearly made three times as much as I did. (Looks, at best and age-adjusted, a 6.) Drinks for the first, and gelato on the second. She didn’t offer to pay for either, and on the second date, I paused before reaching for the bill and she then said, “Oh, were you expecting me to get part of this?” Yep . . . which she did. Clearly entitled, and no doubt because she had lived out in LA for six years.
3. Many of my first dates, I paid, but kept it coffee and light snacks, and under $20. This was hit or miss with a second or third date, and a bang, with some of these women.
4. Out of 30 odd-some odd women I’ve gone out with, less than 5 have offered to pay or have whipped out their credit cards to get their part of the bill.
5. One of my other first dates, she was running late because she overslept. She was very apologetic and I told her, via text, that dinner was on her for making me wait. I ended up banging her later that night after she drove me home. Caveat: I met her at a speed-dating event and she already selected me for a bang. I could tell it in her eyes and behavior. The dinner date was just a formality.
6. 26 yr old . . . first date, I got drinks, then she wanted to get some food. So, I told her that she could get the food, which she agreed to. Didn’t bang her after three dates, however, but managed to make out on two of them.
Yes, I have had a couple who have asked me why I seem to “insist” on Dutch for the first date, and with one, I was honest and she understood my reasoning. I’m banging her now.
But, it would be nice to know of a strategy. Is it usually better to assume that I, the guy, will pay on the first date, and keep it really cheap?