I married a 9 face and 7 body. She was tall, blond, spectacular from the waist up, a bit heavy in the booty. She was also somewhat intelligent, studious, and a very good lover – after she made me wait seven months before we finally did the deed. Yeah, seven months. Does that give any indication to my alpha or beta status at the time?
We ended up living together outside of a New England city for two years before we got married. During that time, we had sufficient conflict in the relationship where my proto-wife felt that counseling was necessary. I agreed, not knowing what to expect. Being raised in a stereotypical SWPL (stuff white people like) fashion, I was taught that counseling was always a good thing.
Counseling was interesting, if not a pain in the ass logistically. The counselor, a woman in her mid 30s, made the observation that the roles in my relationship with my proto-wife were reversed. I was acting like the woman, she was acting like that man.
My proto-wife’s primary complaint came to this bit of dialog that we often had:
Her: “Let’s do something”
Me: “OK, what do you want to do?”
For some reason, this made her angry and frustrated.
Her: “You should find something for us to do.”
Me: “But it’s your idea.”
Hilarity did not ensue. Anyone reading this should be thinking that she wanted me to be more alpha.
The counselor was surprisingly ill-equipped to deal with our relationship scenario. Perhaps she was also a SWPL and felt that women should be taking the lead in relationships.
My proto-wife was also ill-equipped to deal with the relationship because she was a take-charge, career gal and couldn’t bring herself to ask me to take the lead in certain areas in the relationship, especially since she was working 60-70 hours a week at a technology company. She also claimed to be a feminist.
I was just happy to go with the flow. We had a pretty nice place to live, plans for an epic adventure the next year, and enough money. However, I was thoroughly annoyed at her working hours so much so that I took a part time, evening job just the fill the hours. Her career was more important than the relationship.
As beta-man extraordinaire, I didn’t take the lead, I followed along. When it came time to postpone by a year our great adventure – at her insistence because of her career – I was furious. Yet I still acquiesced.
Then came the drama regarding the engagement. She gave me an ultimatum. “Ring on my finger by October 1st or I’m gone.” On October 1, I was ready with the ring. Of course, it galled her that I didn’t get on one knee to propose. I simply tossed her the ring box and said “here’s your ring”. Thankfully, two of her female friends were there so she couldn’t pitch a fit.
At this point, you’re wondering how I managed to get involved with such a beautiful, if somewhat difficult woman. She was bossy and domineering and became even more so over the years. Originally, I met her my sophomore year in college. I unintentionally Gamed her. There was a brief phase in my college life where I was thoroughly enmeshed in being social and having some college fun.
The first time she become more aware of my presence was when I did not thank her after she opened the door for me on the way out of Western Civilization class. I was on crutches at the time due do a stupid knee injury. She was one of the relatively reserved girls who didn’t party on campus. She was a day student and lived at home. Regardless, she was used to men deferring to her. I was talking to a classmate and trying to negotiate the door and simply didn’t notice her. For years she told that story to our family and friends. Unintentional Game at its finest.
I was now on her radar. A few weeks later I met up with her at the local campus bar, just before the end of spring semester. We exchanged phone numbers. I was busy with an active social life and so didn’t call her for a few days. She later revealed to me that she was going to call me but that it was wrong for a girl to call a man.
So, we started dating. In the beginning, I remember that one night I said that I couldn’t go out. I don’t remember the reason why but I eventually ended up at the same bar where I met my proto-wife. She drove past after her evening job and saw my car in front. This pissed her off and she left a nasty note on my windshield.
My response was classic beta. I was intensely apologetic and became increasingly supplicating as I dated her. I guess that my only redeeming alpha feature was that I was about to embark on an epic, around the world adventure involving exotic Asian locations and then school in England for a year.
After my adventure, we both attended school in England (by coincidence, seriously), she in the North, me in the South. I visited her far more often than she visited me. On one of the few occasions when she did visit, I had not returned to my flat to meet her. One of my flat-mates actually came and found me with the report that she was pissed off and waiting for me. Hilarity was absent.
Fast forward quite a few years… past one house in one city to another house in another city. We had established a bad pattern. Every two years or so we ended up moving because of her career. I was the trailing spouse. Sometimes I found good work, sometimes I didn’t. Regardless, it was not until late in the marriage that I actually exceed her income; that required I live in one city and work in another.
The end finally came when I decided to be the best possible husband, on her terms. I ran errands, took care of dinner, and was basically even more of her submissive houseboy. Sex? Only when she wanted it and by then, it wasn’t often.
When I returned from a business trip, she sat me down and asked me if I were to ever want kids. I had maintained a firm and uncompromising position on that – no kids, ever. She revealed that she had consulted a divorce attorney because she wanted the option to have kids, or so she claimed. In retrospect, it was about losing respect for me. To her credit, she could have “oopsed” me into fatherhood at any time in the marriage. She didn’t and for that I am grateful.
Always the beta, I claimed that I would be even a better husband (I still would not relent on the kids thing) and that a divorce wasn’t necessary. That was my worst decision ever and an ultimately extremely expensive decision.
About a year later, divorce ensued and I was actually lucky to get away with any assets. In full disclosure, it was my infidelity that ultimate broke the marriage. I went elsewhere to find the passion and respect that was long absent from my marriage. I blame myself for many of the reasons that ended the marriage.
Had I known about Game in the context of marriage back then, things would have worked out so much differently and, most assuredly, happily. I was a progressive SWPL back then and felt that marriage must be on her terms, never mine. When I did try to stand up for myself, I did it in the most manipulative, passive aggressive way imaginable. What kept us together for so long was the frequent moving and the time and energy it required. We were really good at relocating but when things were stable for about two years or more, the marriage suffered. We were not meant for each other because we were both following the conventional relationship wisdom of the time.
Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life
/ April 13, 2011Oy. It’s always bittersweet reading these stories. I always get a surge of emotion “I can fix this!” and then it’s all done and too late anyway.
Thanks for sharing. Let’s hope some else makes the changes sooner rather than later.
gettingtothere
/ April 13, 2011Why did you want no kids, and is that still your opinion?
theprivateman
/ April 13, 2011Yes.
My vasectomy backs me up with actions over words.
Why?
Sleep
Friends
Sex
Money
I like all those things.
Workshy Joe
/ April 14, 2011I’ve considered getting the snip myself. Easy procedure?
theprivateman
/ April 14, 2011For me, it was very easy and almost no pain.
But if you get one, don’t tell anyone:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html
Bronan the Barbarian!
/ April 16, 2011“Sleep
Friends
Sex
Money
I like all those things.”
That sums it up. Same reason why I’ll never have kids. That, and the hopelessly unhappy look of the parents I see on the street.
NMH
/ April 14, 2011Thanks for sharing this. Its similar to the relationship I had for 8 years with a girl (didn’t marry). She was a career girl, I was a beta and I moved to follow her in support of her career. After we moved, the sex slowly ground to a halt and she eventually dumped me. I was perplexed because what happened was not supposed to, as my feminist-programming taught me to treat a woman as an equal and to be supportive. Now that I have discovered the manosphere, it all makes sense.
I think our generation (you are 49 and I am 47) really got burned the worst by feminism. Its this generation where the MSM brainwashed women to pursue careers AND fo men to support them unconditionally. Occassionally leaks of the truth would come out but they were usually poorly articulated, because it was so unintuitive to us. For example, I saw a recent example of an article of Women’s Health describing successful career women desperately wanting “romance” in their lives—years ago, I would have thought the article to be interesting yet frustratingly unclear. Wasn’t my natural behavior of treating a woman as an equal and being considerate of her needs “romantic?” Now, however, I can read between the lines, and what these women yearn for is a man that is more successful than they are to wine and dine and f*ck them good with his alpha cock.
One of my problems is my natural instinct is to treat women as equals, so I’m not sure I can ever give the leadership that women crave. Also, if your career has not gone so well (like mine) then I think you are looking for an ever smaller population of women who has a career of less status than yours–it is likely that only these kind of women, whose hypergamy is fulfilled, that could accept you as a leader.
Feminism really screwed us all over. Basically what it has done has taken the most attractive women in the population (intelligent and physically attractive) and, because they become educated and successful but cannot let go up the hypergamy, made them impossible to please.
As I get older and my sex drive wanes, its now much easier for me to say to these women that they need to sleep in the bed that they have made for themselves.
theprivateman
/ April 14, 2011Wow, quite the similar experience. I strongly suspect that the younger generations of men will suffer the same experiences that we did unless the reach of the Manosphere spreads more widely and more quickly.
I think one of the most important concepts to spread amongst men is that of hypergamy.
NMH
/ April 14, 2011Agreed about the hypergamy. Up until recently I could not understand what a woman meant when she said she “needed a man to look up to.”I couldn’t understand it because I was so imbued with the feminist message the woman wanted equals, or could settle for something somewhat less if he was loyal and supported her. Looking up, of course, means that the woman is at a certain level, and the man is at a level above her. The more you are better than her, the better.
Asking a woman to beat this hard-wired evolutionary instinct is like asking me to get an erection for a fat chick.
My ex gf was a 9 in the face with a 6-7 body as well, except Ive been always an ass-man and gone for the very pretty, flat chested chicks. At least if she is flat chested there is a chance she will have some modesty. Modesty is rare in a woman with big boobs (eg “Wifey”)
I recall when dating my gf she said in frustration that “she wanted a man!” I was like: What? Im a man, whats the problem. Now I know what the problem was exactly.
Workshy Joe
/ April 14, 2011Me: “OK, what do you want to do?”
Ohhh man. That was me all over. Now, when I hear the words “let’s do something” I say something like:
“Hmmm. Lemme think about it.”
I’ll stroke my chin for a while and then force myself to come up with a definite suggestion. I also make a point of not doing stuff that I would hate just to keep the peace.
NMH
/ April 14, 2011Regrettably, this is the song that goes through my mind when I think about my relationship with my ex gf of 8 years coming to an end, after the revelations from the manosphere:
The music in this song is fantastic, despite the beta lyrics. Women could not create something like this. Perhaps Tom Scholz in the late 1970′s understood women better than most men today.
wingman
/ April 14, 2011PM – You’re too hard on yourself. The way you describe the personality of your ex, a couple of things come to mind:
1) her immaturity gave her an unrealistically high sense of personal importance, ie, probably anyone would have disappointed her, beta or not.
2) being more alpha may have temporarily tipped things favorably, but I think you would have been locked into an eternal ‘clash of of the titans’. You may never have been able to break that horse.
3) she was so self-focused, what was in it for you in the first place?
I think being more alpha is not just learning to tame a beast, but about being more respectful of your own needs/desires. Many of us have had to learn that painful lesson.
final point: relax, you da man.
theprivateman
/ April 14, 2011LIfe has been interesting, that’s for sure. You know more of the story than most.
I was in it because she was a very attractive woman and that was good for my ego.
I’m glad that I have discovered the Manosphere.