Archive for February, 2011

Be Taciturn, Not Garrulous

Sue me. I am a pedantic man. I use big words. It’s my nature to be sesquipedalian.

My advice here is thus – when a man is dating, he should shut up and let the damsel do the talking. Please, keep quiet. Your daring stories of fiduciary acumen are not exciting. Your stories of relationship misery and woe are simply awful. Keep silent, look deeply into her eyes and let her speak.

I recommend this for the following reasons:

1. A quiet man resonates mystery. For all the words not spoken, the woman is forming an internal narrative with the man (you, hopefully) as a key performer. Realistic? Maybe, maybe not. This is the way of women.

2. For every word spoken by the man, the woman is interpreting, analyzing, and looking for a reason to reject him. If you are doing the online dating thing, this is important. While she might love your profile and your photos, the first date is crucial. If you haven’t had sex yet, a woman is looking for reasons to reject you.

This advice also applies to online dating messages. Keep the words to a minimum. Every word is expensive.  Every word is sacred, every word is pure (hat tip to Monty Python). No woman wants three hundred words on why you are the best man ever. Twenty words builds more mystery and women love, love, love mystery. If you can manage it, let her mind do the somersaults to fit you into her life. If you can’t manage it, your words are turned into a knife that is slitting your own throat.

Happy dating! ;)

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Describing The Feminine

There was a comment on one of the manosphere blogs where a girl expressed frustration that she didn’t know exactly what men consider feminine.

I scanned a few blogs and didn’t find anything specific, just lots of ideas buried within larger essays.

So I present a list of what this man sees as the feminine. Do bear in mind that I am pushing 50 and this certainly impacts my perceptions.

1. Appearing feminine

The feminine form has a set ratios of chest to waist to hips. This goes along with face that looks like a woman and hair this is a appropriate for a woman. The accoutrements of femininity, there are indeed feminine-looking clothes and a feminine woman wears those clothes appropriately.

2. Pleasant and happy in general.

While both men and women can possess these positive emotions, femininity should be about focusing on the positive emotions and avoiding the negative ones. Constant anger or sadness is not feminine.

3. Nurturing and caring.

Both evolution and social expectations encourage women to be nurturing and caring. This is what motherhood is all about. The truly feminine should go way beyond nurturing and caring in the context of just motherhood. Those characters should extend to all people in her, especially her man.

4. Demure

This is the big one. This is about being modest and reserved. The “in your face attitude” is hardly feminine. This is also where manners come in. The feminine is simply supposed to have more manners. The feminine is supposed to be refrained from calling attention to itself in negative or overtly sexual means unless in the correct context.

5. Sexual (in the right context)

Yes, being sexual is about being feminine. Note the huge caveat of in the right context. The whole lady in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom is spot on.

This list is key to a social contract where if women were indeed feminine, men could be masculine. We all what happened to the social contract when the feminine rewrote it without consulting or even caring what the masculine might have to say about the matter.

Things get complicated when women are in the masculine, private sector workplace. The purpose of business is to make money and this is a masculine space, even if occupied or perhaps lead by women. But when the workday is over, women simply must restore that essential femininity. Is that difficult? Well, if women think themselves as so strong and capable, it should be quite easy.

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Where Are The Men Online?

Imagine that you’re a marketing specialist and your job is to sell a new widget to men. It might be a fine widget and if you could find the men, they might buy the widget.

Your boss tells you to find the men, sell this widget. Your boss gives you a big budget but not enough for TV advertising. You have only enough money for Internet advertising.

But you can’t find the men online.

There are scads of websites for women. Those websites are all about celebrity gossip, style advice, relationship advice (always wrong), shopping, and the like. Those websites are colorful, vibrant, and without serious content. Men don’t visit those websites.

But where are the men online?

Welcome to the manosphere.

It’s a wild and untamed place. It’s a place where men exchange ideas and discuss issues that are relevant to men. There are nasty words. There are insults and there is derision. There are ideas at which the SWPL clutch their chests and cry out “I’m coming Elizabeth!” Google Fred Sanford, please.

Single men are looking for ways to be more attractive to women. Married men are looking for ways to strengthen their relationships or get the hell out. There are discussions of politics. There are discussions of guns, body building, motorcycles, and all things that men love to pursue without the cloying interference of women. The beer is cold, the furniture is mismatched, the music is loud.

Manosphere blogs are bereft of pretty pictures and the other tactics necessary to attract the attention of women. Manopsphere blogs are heavy on words, light on graphics. Expect no political correctness in the manosphere. Political correctness is considered both a moral and intellectual weakness.

You found the men. Hooray you. So now you must sell your widget in a ferociously tough environment. Good luck. While women seek validation, men want truths. The words and ideas are so tough that what the few advertising opportunities seem like placing a billboard in a minefield. The manosphere simply doesn’t care. If the billboard you wish to plant in that minefield doesn’t contain essential truths relevant to men, it will be completely and utterly ignored.

Yep, welcome to the manosphere.

Logic and reason are concepts that rule here. Go ahead, try an emotional appeal to sell that widget. It will fail. Emotions are the realm of women and you are supposed to sell the widget to men.

How do you sell that widget in the manosphere? You don’t. You present that widget in a logical and rational way and you pray that enough men see that. Ah, but once enough men see that your widget solves a man-related problem the men will talk. They will post nice reviews and recommend that your widget is good and does indeed solve a problem. You will succeed in your marketing endeavors.

If that widget is poorly made and fails, the men will talk. “This widget sucks!” will be both the refrain and the chorus and those words will be spread widely. You will be fired from your marketing job unless the engineers (all men) are given the incentives to make a better widget. There are few widgets advertised in the manosphere because the marketers are mostly women. There are also few widgets advertised because men have a higher standard for the products they purchase.

As the manosphere grows, advertisers will come calling. They will want to sell their products and services here. If they don’t understand the essential nature of the manosphere, those advertisers will fail.

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Is This Thin?!?

I peruse profiles.

It’s what I do.

So, I find this profile of a 41 year old woman on Plenty of Fish. She describes herself in words thusly:

I’m a bright, sexy, classy woman who is seeking someone special to enhance my already great life. I like to have fun and am equally up for a night on the town as a quiet night at home cooking dinner and watching a movie. I can throw a mean dinner party. I love to dance. I have amazing kids, a wonderful family, great friends…I’m a very lucky girl.

OK, fair enough. It’s rather generic.

She also describes her body type as thin.

Here is the only photo that shows her more than just a head and shoulders view:

This is “thin”?!

This is average. Note how her hips are wider than her shoulders. This is aspirational lying at it’s best/worst. The rest of her photos all show just head and shoulders shots. She’s not unattractive by any means. But thin? Nice try, cupcake.

This is a better example of thin:

Note the more slender arms and the hips.

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Mom Was Wrong – A Personal Narrative

“Be nice, be yourself”

I remember those words well. I took them to heart for decades and it almost ruined me.

Nice. I was supposed to be nice she told me. At the time, I really didn’t know exactly what “nice” meant. I just remember being an active young boy and when I got to be rambunctious there was usually an adult female with the “be nice!” admonishment. OK, nice means calm. If I took something away from someone when I was playing with other children, it was “be nice!” from an adult female. OK, nice means not doing or taking things that you want. Nice means restraint. Nice means non-assertiveness.

“Be nice, be yourself”

Those words were spoken to me by mother just as I was entering the hormonal throes of puberty. I was starting to notice girls in a very different way.  The words were the result of a perfectly normal boy’s curiosity. My mother was an early adopter of the single mother household and I only saw my father on weekends so she was the most convenient parent to ask this fateful question:

“How do I get girls to like me more?”

In retrospect, I should have asked my father.

I remember my mother smiling as she answered my question with those soul-damning words. She was so proud that I was taking an interest in girls. Private Boy was becoming Private Man! Of course, a few years later when I was about to graduate high school and still a virgin, that same mother, unaware of how her words affected me, told me flat out, “It’s OK to be gay.” She simply didn’t understand that I actually took her original advice about girls and it had yielded no results in the realm of having actual sex with a girl. My mother thought I might be gay. Sure, I had plenty of friends who were girls, just no girlfriend. High school was all about the Friend Zone for me.

As for the “be yourself” part. I also didn’t know what that really meant. Being myself meant being an active boy and being curious about the world. Actually, the “nice” thing seemed to cancel out the “be yourself” thing.  Quite a contradiction for a 12 year old boy to absorb. But to make mom and girls happy, I went with the nice thing to carry the ball into the end zone of sexual failure.

One of the reasons I took a year off between high school and college was partly the result of not wanting to be a virgin when I entered my freshman year. That year off was full of adventures and yes, some of them were sexual. There was the summer overseas in the Southern Hemisphere. No sex there. I was attending an all-boys Anglican high school complete with uniforms and corporal punishment. There were a couple of mixers with the local all-girls school but I never met anyone.

Back home for a few months and working retail, I kissed a few girls but didn’t make the beast with two backs. Then, another adventure presented itself – to go to Colorado to be a ski bum. I didn’t know how to ski but an opportunity is an opportunity. As my high school friends were already in college, I stayed with some of them in their dorm rooms as I drove westward across the country from New England.

On the way out, I spent a night at Rensselaer, a very math and science kind of school. My friend, Eric, let me stay in his room. While hanging out and meeting the other freshman on that floor of the dorm, I was briefly introduced to a very cute blond. I was friendly to her but it never even entered my mind that she could be interested in me. Later that evening, one of guys in the dorm told me that she thought I was “really cute” and that she had a room on the third floor of the dorm. But I was nice and didn’t visit the cute blond. Yes, so nice I was.

While in Colorado I worked two jobs, learned to ski, and didn’t really meet any girls at all. The snow didn’t quite fall that season and the work dried up, forcing me to return home, once again staying with former high school classmates in their dorm rooms as I drove back to New England.

The University of Michigan at Ann Arbor is a huge place. My female friend and former classmate, Cathy, was there for her freshman year and it was my plan to stay in her dorm room for that night – the floor and sleeping bag thing. She had a cute roommate whose name I have long forgotten. The roommate and I hung around all evening together after I arrived because my friend had to study. The roommate and I enjoyed each others company for a few hours. I wasn’t really looking for sex but it happened.

My friend’s roommate was my first. The sex was brief and awkward for me. That’s probably the reason I don’t remember her name and likely she doesn’t even remember the encounter at all.

OK, the virginity was gone with a one night stand at a freshman dorm in 1980. I was 18 years old. In reviewing the events of that night, there was no Game, no acting all confident. I was just being nice . Could Mom have been right after all? No. I didn’t need Game to seduce that girl.

Looking back, I realized that she seduced me. I was in the middle of an alpha adventure, driving alone across country after doing something vaguely risky. Plus, I had already been overseas doing something reasonably exotic. I distinctively remember the girl saying at some point “what you did was exciting” or words to that effect. As well, my original friend likely prequalified me to the roommate. That’s a real female friend.

I did some other interesting things before going to college. With one exception, girls eluded me romantically and sexually because I was being nice all the time. I do remember hanging out a lot at Harvard in the freshman dorms because I had quite a few former classmates attending there. I actually met lots of girls and had anyone taught me the most basic elements of Game, I could have cleaned up. Shit, I was riding a motorcycle then and working a somewhat dangerous job in a state mental hospital. I was doing alpha things but with a beta attitude. No sex for the Private Man.

The only exception in a basically sexless span of time between returning from Colorado and starting freshman year in September of 1981 was on a major motorcycle trip from New England to the top of the Dempster Highway in the Northwest Territories. That’s above the Arctic Circle and in Canada for you geographical illiterates. Once again, I passed through Colorado so I could stay with some friends I had made the previous winter while doing the ski bum thing.

I spent a week in Colorado at a house in the mountains (Summit County) rented by four, footloose young guys. They were all good guys. They all worked hard, didn’t party too much, and were quite friendly to me despite that fact that I was taking over their sofa during my stay. One of the guys was a muscular, good looking guy. He was from somewhere in the Midwest as I recall. He was sweet on a girl who lived nearby and invited me to join them for a beer at a local ski resort bar.

I need to apologize to that guy, a sincere and honest apology. Buddy, I didn’t mean to steal that girl. I really, really didn’t. I knew you really liked her. I knew that you wanted to pitch sweet woo to her. You told me so. I violated the guy code and for this, I am deeply sorry.

The episode in Colorado with that guy’s girl was all about Game. I just didn’t know it at the time. Consider the overall situation and my frame. I had just spent two weeks on the road on a motorcycle. Already I had two wrecks  but I managed to persevere and keep going. I had a few thousand miles in front of me and I was feeling confident, very confident. I was doing an alpha adventure and finally had an alpha attitude to accompany me. In retrospect, it was the attitude that sealed the deal.

The worst of it – again, I really do apologize to that guy – is that I had sex with the girl on the sofa not 20 feet from his room while he was supposedly sleeping. I wasn’t being nice as Mom had instructed me. Unfortunately, I was an awkward and incompetent lover, it being only my second time. I set up a second meeting with this girl before I returned to my trip and she stood me up. Lesson learned. If you’re going to have sex with them, do it right if you expect a second time.

[Post script on that epic motorcycle trip - the motorcycle was stolen in the Yukon and I finished the trip to Inuvik and Tuktoyaktuk hitch-hiking and flying and then returned home the same way.]

A few years back and before I completely understood Game, I was on Jewish online dating website. While I’m not Jewish, my step-father is and I spent my adolescent years in a mostly Jewish household. The Jewish women I dated  – the strong and independent type – all complained bitterly about the Jewish “momma’s boys” and how I was so refreshing. Those women were complaining about beta men, nothing more. I didn’t ask these women how they were raising their own sons. I didn’t want to see a Jewish rationalization hamster have a heart attack. Oy.

Going to mom for advice about girls is the worst thing a boy can do. This is where fathers and other male family members come in. I have told on numerous occasions to my ex’s sons (17 and 25) that being too nice to girls will get them friends, not sex. They seem to understand. Sadly, there is a generation of men who never figured it out. They never learned to take the lead in dating and relationships. To them, all women are mom in a certain sense. These men are the white knight pedestalizers.

I am sincerely grateful for discovering the manosphere. It has helped me learn from my past experiences and to sweep away negative feelings about that past. The manosphere is the link between experience and wisdom and is unique to men.

To all the dads and uncles out there, be honest with the boys young men in your life. Tell them the realities of life, of girls, of being more alpha. Tell them not to be so damned nice.

47 Comments

A Confession

I really do want to see men and women in intimate and satisfying relationships. While the marriage contract is a terrible business arrangement, men and women can be committed to each other, regardless, and be very happy. I want men and women to actually respect each other in the context of intimate relationships. I find it wonderful to see an elderly man and woman walking together and holding hands.

Just call me an old softy.

The challenge lies in breaking down the social expectations which sabotage relationships even before they begin. Both men and women too often yield to those social expecations because they think it’s the right thing to do when, in fact, the contemporary social expectations of the past two generations have been poison for marriage and relationships.

I am not advocating returning to the past. I merely wish to open some eyes and point out that for many social expectations there is at least one negative unintended consequence that results in relationship fallout.

Some examples:

Social Expectation: All men are boobs.
Relationship Fallout: A man’s needs and desires are not to be taken seriously.

Social Expectation: Women can have it all.
Relationship Fallout: Stressful, hectic lives where the relationship is low on the priority list. See also the divorce fantasy.

Social Expectation: Men should be more expressive emotionally.
Relationship Fallout: Loss of respect by women. The feminine is attracted to the masculine.

Social Expectation: Women must be more masculine emotionally to be strong and independent in her career.
Relationship Fallout: That masculine strength is brought home and into the relationship leading to conflict and loss of desire.

Social Expectation: The Knight in Shining Armor will rescue me and I will live happily ever after. I can only date the most attractive women even though I have little to offer.
Relationship Fallout: Unrealistic and therefore unfulfilled expectations.

For both men and women, I urge you to ask yourself the following question in your dating and relationship-seeking endeavors: “Am I doing this only because I’m expected to?”

For many years, I fell in line with the social expectations. It cost me a marriage. I’m not making those mistakes again. I’m also completely ignoring the conventional wisdom about dating and relationships. The conventional wisdom is horribly wrong and the statistics bear it out.

The following generations have it much, much worse.

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Beware the Fake Online Dating Profile!

Fake profiles are the minefield of online dating.

Does the photo look too good? Is there only one photo? Do the words seem generic and written by the Online Dating Profile Robot? Does a woman in North Dakota like long walks on the beach? It could be a fake profile.

There are scammers, pranksters, and attention whores everywhere. Even fee-based online dating websites have fake profiles.

Let’s be honest, should you receive a wink, a favoriting, a message, or an IM from a hot babe in her twenties with a gorgeous photo are you going to fall for it? Unless you’re devastating handsome, shockingly intelligent, unbelievably witty, and amazingly affluent (with the the award-winning profile to back it up), why would such women be reaching out to you? If we expect women to be honest with themselves, we men must be just as honest.

The biggest giveaway is the photo. A photo which looks like a scan from a fashion magazine is usually just that – someone has scanned something from a magazine or hit up Google images for a “pretty girl”. There’s usually just one photo because only the most recognizable pretty girls have more than one photo.

The second biggest indicator of a fake profile is the language. It’s incredibly easy to copy and paste a generic profile and way too many women have the repeat language of the generic profile. Here is an example of the typical, unimaginative and rather generic profile that way too many women write:

I’m a friendly, easy going, fun loving person. I’m very active and like to keep busy. I enjoy having get togethers with my family and friends which always includes food and wine. I’m honest, thoughtful and loyal.

I’m adventurous and love to travel and would like to meet someone that has similiar interests.

It only took five nanoseconds to find one. I kept the spelling mistakes intact. Yes, it’s from a real profile and is amazingly similar to about a zillion other profiles I have read.

Worse, a woman will find a great photo of someone else and write real words behind it. Have fun on that first date when the svelte, beautiful woman online turns out to be a walrus in real life. In effect, it’s a fake profile.

Additionally, the English may not be quite right. The profile or the message to you is just a bit off. Words are put in the wrong places. Now, if you happen to live in a city where many people are not native English speakers, then you might have run across a real profile by a woman who is still mastering English.

The third biggest indicator of a fake profile is a short list of requirements in the man, especially age. A hot babe is seeking a man from 25 to 50?!? Oh, pah-lease. I know that some men are dense. I know that some men are after poontang and nothing else. Regardless, let’s be real. If you think she’s out of your league, she likely is and it’s likely to be a fake profile. Note – this does not apply to real life Game. We’re only talking about online dating.

Another huge indicator of a fake profile? She’s not from this country. She’s from Russian or Nigeria? Block those profiles, move on. Please, it’s for the sake of your self esteem and your wallet.

There has been some discussion on other blogs that some online dating websites create the fake profiles to lure guys into signing up or continuing to pay. I have only experienced this once or twice Match.com. I got a wink from an attractive women and when I went to check on the profile, it had suddenly been yanked within minutes. It was kind of odd but as I was already corresponding with several women, I wasn’t disappointed at the deleted profile.

Gentlemen, beware the fake profile. If you see one, post it up here.

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